DeviantChaosOrder
by beledx
Summary: Edward has obsessive compulsive disorder, a secret he is desperate to keep. Bella has her own secret pain. Together maybe they can they help each other. highschool.OOC, Language. No Vampires. romangsty.
1. Chapter 1: I know it

**Deviant-chaos-order**

_**I know it's over**_

**Edward Cullen**

My hands were clammy as I repeatedly traced my thumbs over my index finger in a swift rhythmic motion. The bus had stopped, I had said I would be there for nine but the bus had stopped. I could hear my watch ticking; it seemed to be echoing over and over again in my ear louder than my own thoughts, and every tick faster than it should have been. The bus driver kept stepping out of his seat looking around telling the bus 'my covers late' to which a ricochet of grumbles ensued from the passengers. Now the foot tapping started, 3 taps on the left foot, followed by 1 tap on the right another 2 on the left and lastly 3 on the right before the pattern would restart. The woman sitting next to me peered out of the corner of her eye after noticing my squirming, I had noticed her when she sat down because her perfume was so sickly sweet and it seemed to engulf anyone in the area, but now I was too distracted to give a fuck that she was watching me.

It was a hot day anyway but no one else was quite sweating like me, a bead of perspiration seeped from my forehead into my eye, making me run my trembling hands through my sticky hair which before would hang down my face but now so easily slicked back.

I could stand it no longer; I stood up rapidly, startling the woman next to me who tried to shuffle out of my way as I pushed out of the seat. She looked at the other passengers waiting for them to share her very obvious feelings of disgust, which a few people did, mimicking her distasteful expression in comfort.

'Sorry' I grumbled meaninglessly as I strode down the walkway eyes fixated on the bus doors, there was a slight breeze which hit me but not enough to cure the overwhelming heat around me. I had not planned what I would do after I got off the bus or how I would possibly get anywhere faster but I had to escape.

These were the situations that I could not handle; I had a plan, a problem free plan and now it was destroyed by stupid careless Dicks.

I paced backwards and forwards, clutching my mobile, frantically trying to think about a way of getting there, but I was too far gone. I couldn't even remember the address, barely even recall my birthday.

By now I had begun to draw more attention, my anxious pacing and the whispers to myself were highly noticeable to the bored bystanders who were glad for the gossip which conveniently distracted them from their own late bus grumbles. One woman asked the strangers around her whether she should ask me if I was okay, to which they all scrunched up their faces in indecision.

I wanted to just go fucking home and admit my failure but I had promised them that I could do it. Several times we had had to discussed it, he couldn't decide what was best himself, he was torn between pushing me to go and terrified I was going fuck up like last time. I hated knowing that everything was true when I had placed so much hope in myself, this was pathetic I told myself. I wouldn't go home and look at Esme's face, that expression, disappointment, 'no' I said aloud. I strode down the pavement, it was clearer now, the pressure in my chest was beginning to release and I could feel an invisible breeze because now I had a new purpose, a new plan set out and one I could accomplish.

**Bella Swan**

The first day is filled with so much ecstasy, so much expectation, there's very little worry because there's so much false hope. I rang the doorbell for the third time, poking my head through the letterbox searching for some sign of life 'helllllllo' I sung down the hallway but still no one. My patience finally wore thin as I slammed the letterbox down and marched away determining that Emmett had forgotten about our meeting. Typical.

Not until half way down the road did I hear him, 'Bella' he shouted, I flipped around to see him hopping along the pavement manoeuvring his arms into his jacket, my eyes closed in on his shoes which were still unlaced.

'I called through your letterbox five times' I hollered

'I know but I wasn't dressed' he mumbled as his head disappeared under his jumper.

'You're still not' I said

'Woods' he ordered

'Oh for god's sake' I complained 'it's just laziness.

Emmett ignored my protests and turned into the woods, I thought about carrying on the mud free route but as Emmett knew too well I gave in and followed behind. The trees blocked out the rare sunny morning and shadowed us with a dark canopy.

'Are you nervous?' I asked.

'Why?' he questioned confused.

'First day and all' I explained.

'Why would that make me nervous?' he objected.

'I don't know, just new year' I clarified wishing I hadn't asked at all.

'Not really...every things the same' he grunted. I shrugged; I knew it was stupid to ask Emmett if he was anxious, everything came in his stride. I guess I just wanted to know that someone else felt that weird niggling inside.

Abruptly Emmett interrupted my train of thought 'Shit , look at that kid' my eyes followed to find him staring at the lake, I didn't notice him at first, he blended into the trees but standing on the edge of the lake was someone, he wasn't a kid though, he was tall with longish brown hair. His eyes gazed into the water below him, as if he was intently searching for something.

'What is he doing?' I asked alarmed by the guy's closeness to the edge.

'I think he's going for a swim' laughed Emmett.

I batted my hand on Emmett's chest to silence his laughter, as if in perfect correlation the kid leaped into the air and just as quickly disappeared under the water. Instantaneously I dropped my bag and sprinted over to the lake, I stared into the olive water waiting for the stranger to remerge. Tiny bubbles met the water's edge but the green moss that formed on top obscured my view of underneath.

'Where is he?' I shouted in alarm to Emmett who was now stood beside me, also intently watching the water in a daze, but he didn't reply.

It was a natural reaction for me as the panic set in, I slipped my first shoe off but Emmett caught hold of my arm realising my plan.

'What the hell are you doing?' he cried.

'I don't know, he's under there' I exclaimed not really sure of how I would find him under that disease ridden lake or how I alone would drag him to the surface but I still popped off the second shoe and followed the track to where he had jumped.

**Edward Cullen**

I didn't think you could smell under water, but the stench of rotten moss stung my nostrils, I was still fighting back against the gush of olive water which was desperate to flood my lungs. My head pounded as my body realised that the last bit of oxygen which I had trapped was slowly running out. As I felt my chest tighten, I lifted my palm and placed it on top of my heart but I couldn't feel it beating amongst the panic. My eyes shot open, now I was drowning, the realisation suddenly terrified me and I kicked out my legs as water finally found its entry and surged its way down my throat.

Bubbles surrounded me as my body convulsed, my eyes searched frantically for a way out of this deep green pond when I saw her Chocolate hair rippling against the water. Two arms constricted around my waist pulling me, she was slowly trying to move towards the surface where a muffled noise broke through the cavern of water. Her body kept faltering under my weight, but I could feel her arms tugging me upwards, her legs hitting mine as she struggled to tread the water. My eyes were blurred over now but I could tell she was failing on what appeared to be some sort of rescue mission. I pushed my body upwards.

Water finally brushed my face until I immersed, even in my panic I suddenly felt the ice cold, my arms threw out frenetically trying to grab the wooded track I had only minutes ago bounded off. Once again from nowhere two arms grasped me and hauled me onto the deck, I fell onto my knees coughing, water spluttering from my lungs, each cough stung my tender throat as I desperately gasped for breath. The first gush of air was such a relief I collapsed to the floor until I was sure I was breathing normally again. I rubbed my misty eyes clean before looking up to find two strangers staring down at me a little horrified by what I was sure had looked like a suicide attempt. I tried to speak not realising my voice was now gravelly, I coughed again but it did little to take away my gruff tone.

I looked up clutching my throat to the girl who was standing in front of me, she had hair down to her back, it was wildly curly as it dripped down her now wet through t shirt. She did not look so angry but her friend or boyfriend possibly, looked furious as he examined me.

I pulled myself up from the floor, brushing down my clothes as if somehow that would help my drowned through appearance, I turned round and noticed my bag was still sat where I had left it, I approached it realising that now my explanation would be ten times worse and my appearance stopped me from even being able to blag to my dad that I had been to school.

'Wow! Where are you going?' shouted the guy noticing my plan to disappear. I guessed the guy was in the mood to start an argument, no doubt for making his girlfriend jump in after my moronic plan. The mood I was in right now, it wouldn't have been wise for him to target me, the anxiety was gone but the two annoying interferences in front of me were just what I needed to make me lose my shit.

I sighed in frustration 'Home'; I hauled my bag onto my shoulders, the water still felt lodged in my lungs, I was desperate to cough more but out of the two eyes that watched me with such intense bewilderment.

I had hoped that the guy would have left it at that but his prying nature forced him to meddle in my business 'Why the hell did you jump in the water?' he asked irritated, assuming he deserved some sort of explanation. It was me who deserved an explanation as to why they felt it necessary to rescue me from the water.

I let out a deep breath of which I had unknowingly been keeping expectant of this question 'My bus broke down and I was going to be late for my first day' I stated matter of fact, to anyone it would seem ridiculous but it was the only truth I had and conceiving a story at this point seemed wasteful, they had seen me dive into the water, truth or lie's I was a freak.

Neither of them spoke, their mirrored response was to raise their eyebrows.

'Could you not wait for the next one' he enunciated every word as if he was speaking to a foreigner or more fitting in his mind, an alien.

'It is complicated to explain' I groaned growing increasingly angry with the guy's incredulous expression. Even if I did clarify I knew their furrowed brows would remain and they would make no sense of me.

The guy turned his head, looking at the girl, he mouthed something but it was too quick for me to catch. Surely it was some sort of mock aimed at me, which was my cue to get out of there before he pushed me beyond simply irritated. I turned on them, removing my jacket which weighed heavy on my shoulders now that it was sodden with water; I shuffled through my bag searching for my ear phones as I walked.

'Hey' I heard booming from the guys obnoxious voice 'how about a thank you, you ungrateful freak'

I spun to face him and strode over, confusion spread across my face 'Thank you?' I asked disbelieving, the words _ungrateful freak_ circling my mind; I dropped my bag and clenched my fists shaking with rage. My calm voice hadn't expressed how angry I truly was 'Thank you for what?' I growled closing in the distance between us.

'She saved you from drowning' he yelled undeterred by my fury, I wanted him to cower away from me but his shoulders held tight, something told him not to fear the weird guy who looked like he was trying to kill himself. It only made me more determined to see his smug face fall.

I approached him until I was close enough to see the stubble encroaching on his chin, pathetic excuse for a beard. The guy was big, no doubt he had some tough guy rep to keep up with but I guessed he was more mouth than fists. 'firstly' I snarled ' I was not drowning' then I flipped my head to stare at the only person who seemed to actually be cowering, the girl tugging on her chocolate locks suddenly looking so young and fragile I almost felt bad for what I was about to do, but my wrath overwhelmed me 'your girl should keep her nose buried in your crotch and out of my business' I sneered, her eyes widened in shock before I faced the tough guy again who now seemed to mirror my thunderous temper. His hand flew out but I ducked guessing that actually words were probably not his strong point.

'Emmett' the girl cried before his hand could lift for a second chance 'don't' she begged, Emmet as he was apparently named looked into her suddenly pleading eyes and took a step back. Talk about whipped. I smirked purposely; hoping to piss him off further knowing now that his girl had him wrapped round her skinny little fingers. She abruptly looked at me, she was nervous of me as her quiet voice stuttered 'Can you just go' maybe I was too quick to judge this Emmett, her toffee eyes earnestly hoping I would leave were impossible to deny.

I turned away, collecting my bag and leaving the two, I could hear her as I departed scolding him for going to hit me, her voice strong and commanding was almost comical to her timid behaviour with me.


	2. Chapter 2: This will be our year

**Deviant-chaos-order**

_**This will be our year**_

**Bella Swan**

I could still see his black eyes pounding into my face with such maddening fury; Emmett had already forgotten it as he jabbered on about something on the television. So eager to start a fight yet just as easily forgotten. I wanted to shower away the stench of mildew that clung to my still wet hair but Emmett would be my shadow for the rest of the day. I had proudly never skived before not that today I had any choice in the matter, my perfectly planned day had been demolished, I could hardly turn up to school squelching. Of course Emmett was all too fond of accompanying me for the day, anything to avoid a day at school.

I was terrified of Mrs Harper seeing me; we crept down along the shrubbery bush but I could imagine her pokey eyes still noticing us as we broke for the door. As far as neighbours went, I had been cursed with my dad's self appointed bodyguard who liked to inform him if a cat had crossed our path, a daughter home 5 hours early would almost defiantly make the Harper 6 o'clock news.

Emmett made for the fridge as usual, stuffing his face with cold pizza, while I ran upstairs and removed my damp clothes which now hugged my skin in its sticky grime. By the time I had finished Emmett had comfortably spread himself across my sofa rubbing his stomach, I could guess how much pizza he had eaten.

Usually I would have been glad to miss a day at school but first day seemed kind of crucial, and I knew my best friend would never forgive me.

I didn't expect much questioning from my dad; Charlie was hardly sergeant major around this place, I still felt slightly nervous though, I was new to this skipping school after all.

'How was School?' he asked, while riffling through the fridge, home time hunger driving him.

'It was Okay' sudden enthusiasm over school would have been suspicious.

'What lessons did you have?' he questioned, peeking behind the door eying me guardedly .

I flicked my eyes in Emmett's direction, I needed time to gather my thoughts, and he piped up 'Mostly just introduction lessons today'

'Oh, what a waste of a day?' Charlie groaned.

'Yeah, hardly any point going in' smirked Emmett raising his eyebrows at me, I gave him my best stern face, worried enough that I was going to get caught without him making jokes.

'Bella?' I snapped my head towards my dad suddenly hearing my name in such a probing tone 'Did we not have Pizza in here?'

I sighed in relief 'Dad, can you not see Emmett's here...take a wild guess where your pizza may have gone'

Eventually Emmett left, soon after my dad began questioning him on why he never ate at his own house. That night I wondered about the suicidal guy, I had saved some one's life today yet it felt like I might as well have pushed him. I thought that charitable acts were suppose to make you feel good, this act made me feel oddly embarrassed, as if I had wrongly barged into someone's personal act. There is hardly common conduct for these kinds of situations, except it seemed that for him the right thing to do would have been to apologize, I didn't expect insults. I couldn't recall a single bit of his clothing, my eyes locked onto that furious expression, especially his black eyes which burned into mine, seemingly never seeing joy.

I knew as soon as those degraded words left the guy's mouth, Emmett's hand would follow, I didn't deny him the first shot, unabashedly I hoped he would at least get one punch. Of course as soon as he missed I was relieved, despite all his hostility, I hated fighting and always ended up pitying someone.

Stranger than that was that I was beginning to pity the stranger anyway, curiously wondering what made him want to jump into the water? Was he as dark inside as his onyx eyes suggested? I shouldn't have cared, I wished that I had dispelled him from my mind as easily as Emmett but I held onto him, replaying his movements and then every harsh word. Initially Emmett was worried that I was shaken up by him, asking me every minute if I was okay. I was used to that by now but it was the exact reason I acted indifferent when really the whole day had been more stressful that I was prepared for.

Morning was simply a replay of yesterday, only hopefully I would make it to school today, Emmett still kept me waiting while he finished his breakfast. We took our usual route, passing the pond which now held a significance it never did before, Emmett tutted and shook his head but made no comment, and so neither did I.

If I had thought that suicidal guy was scary, then I had underestimated my best friend's reaction to being unceremoniously abandoned with first day boredom. Her arms folded along with the swift right foot tap were Alice Brandon's very clichéd expression of anger; I knew that I better have a good excuse as soon as I spotted her standing by the car park.

'Morning Alice' I greeted as nonchalant as possible knowing soon I had to face the wrath of Alice, she glared back at me silently, obviously not in the mood for pleasantries 'I'm sorry about yesterday' I apologised realising I should get straight to the point.

'I actually talked to Mike Newton in English you know...I was that bored' she complained 'I think we both actually would have rather been talking to you'

'I'm so sorry Alice' I begged for forgiveness.

'I'm still waiting for a reason' she huffed.

'This guy was drowning in a pond and I had to save him' I quickly explained.

'Do you think it's funny?' she snapped furious 'Mike Newton for an hour!'

'No...I'm serious' I shot a glance at Emmett who nodded encouragingly 'this guy was trying to commit suicide'

Alice eyes stayed angry for just a moment longer before they popped open in overenthusiastic interest 'why? I mean how?' the words fell out of her mouth 'I need details' I kept the details as she put it, as vague as possible. The suicidal guy had taken up enough of my thoughts already, I would not let him get to me anymore just enough to give Alice her gossip intake.

While I walked to collect my timetable, Alice was quick to fill me in on the horrors of yesterday, which I'm sure she exaggerated to make me pity her. It really had been just a day of introduction lessons; I almost rejoiced to Alice that I had missed it until realising she would most likely return to her sour puss expression.

I groaned as soon as my eyes found my first lesson, biology I was hoping that I would be able to join Alice in English, instead I would have to suffer through Mr Banner's save the rainforest talks.

Mr Banner smiled eagerly when I entered 'Bella' he stuck his thumbs up 'nice to see another member of last year's class returning to me'; I smiled half-heartedly peeping behind him to see that the entire class was pretty much the same, Mike Newton waved but I was glad to see Eric Yorkie had already taken the seat next to him.

'Hmm Seats are pretty sparse this year' he held, tapping his finger on his chin 'there' he pointed briskly towards a table near the back. I couldn't believe that only now I noticed him, the image of his hard angry eyes suddenly flashed into my mind, it was strange because I wasn't sure if I would remember anything more about him but as he sat there with his hands pressed against his most recognisable feature, I still knew it was him.

My eyes scanned the room nervously hoping that there was a saviour seat, suddenly I hated Eric for taking my place next to Mike, maybe I could force Eric to move although did I need to give Mike another reason to ask me out. Mr Banner placed his hand on my back guiding me to my seat.

His tense shoulders huddled over the table while his elbows propped himself up, his fists still hiding his eyes as I approached. I perched on the stool, watching anxiously for his hands to drop, he was defiantly less scary without those black eyes. I emptied my bag; never taking my eyes of him, all along his first day was at our school.

Abruptly his hands flew off his face in accordance with Mr Banner beginning class; I watched expertly out of the corner of my eye luckily he had no interest in his new partner, instead watching Mr Banner intently. Brown strands of hair would fall into his eyes every couple of minutes; he didn't seem to mind the repetitiveness of pushing it back behind his ears whereas I was irritated no end.

I eventually noticed I was behind on my notes, as I hurriedly scrawled down my partners, his hand suddenly moved picking up one of my abandoned pens he slid it until it was facing straight north. I peeked up confused but he had already slipped back into concentration. I continued my scribble, occasionally checking to see if he had noticed that his partner was the interfering bitch who needed to keep her nose out of his business, I'm sure he had put it something like that.

In my speedy catch up, I had unconsciously moved the pen which he had lined up, within minutes of placing it back down his hand naturally swiped across the desk rearranging it into the north facing position. I didn't look up this time; he was slightly freaking me out, I was scared to touch my own pen.

By the time the bell rang he had done it again, apprehensively I had purposely moved my pen making sure I scattered it carelessly I watched him... from the corner of my eyes, of course. He was focused on Mr Banner but as soon as his vision drifted towards the paper to jot down notes, his eye shot towards the pen. There was this frustrated look as his jaw locked down; he shook his head before repeating the exact action I was waiting for. It was bizarre; I daren't do it again this time seeing the visible aggravation it caused him and knowing he had a temper, it was stupid to have even pushed him but my curiosity drove me.

As the bell rang he picked up his books, striding out of the classroom I watched him before looking around to see nobody else had even noticed him. I wondered if maybe I was just watching him too hard, imagining he was weird because of what I had seen yesterday.

**Edward Cullen**

This was torture, I had to get outside and fucking smoke, one hour and I was already feeling paranoid, I think I had done pretty fucking well, hiding all my shit but when that girl moved her pen again I thought I was going to snap. If I couldn't stand somebody moving their pen how the fuck was I going to survive a year full of trivial little things. I was trying everything I knew, concentrating on that boring ass teacher as he rattled off crap about genes, blocking out every crazy urge I had and everybody around me but then I thought fuck it...it's just a random girl and it first day I'm aloud to slip right.

Except I had slipped yesterday, or maybe slipped isn't the right word, monumentally fucked up might be more reasonable. Jesus I had got too worked up, it was my dad who did it, his constant questioning me _are you sure son? No rush son. You are better but are you ready for this? _ Just a bit over fucking protective, my dad would lock me in the basement given half the fucking chance.

It wasn't just him, I can't exactly blame him for my unnecessary behaviour, I look back now and I don't even know why I couldn't just sit the fuck down and wait, I just knew I was going to be late and once my dad said the words get there for nine, I knew nine oh five was not going to suffice. So irrational and then the water oh Jesus the water, could I get anymore illogical?

It did the job though, as soon as I was out of that rotten water, my senses returned. Just didn't expect my first feeling to be embarrassment, the dread as I looked upon two love struck teenagers who's stroll I had just unceremoniously destroyed, and the guy just had to be a prick, okay yes I was being a prick first but it was true, I didn't want his bitch interfering.

Now I was outside I could feel the tobacco soothing my irritability, it wasn't quite as effective as my usual cure, weed but hell it would have to do. Looking round my new school, it was exactly what I expected hearing countless tales of Forks high before. When dad agreed to let me go back to school, he had a million different prep schools in mind who he could pay off to put up with my bullshit but I knew exactly where I was going, though standing in the shithole I wasn't sure why I was so Godamm insistent. At least at one of those boarding schools I would be surrounded by messed up kids with mommy issues and drug problems, I would blend in like a fucking normality.

A girl with blonde hair waltzed past, laughing to someone down her phone; I could suddenly remember one reason, high school girls. Jesus, another reason I was going to be normal, high school girls aren't keen on the guy who can't fuck until he's folded his clothes. She smiled at me, her white teeth gleaming; I should get in all these girls before I slip up.

'Not a chance' I heard through a chuckle, spinning to see the real reason I was at forks high.

'Fuck, finally I was considering bailing' I said patting his back relieved to see Jasper.

'You don't waste a minute' he said motioning towards the blonde's rear as she departed.

'I spent the last year in home school, I'm allowed to be eager' I argued.

'So how's it going? 'oh God that question held a lot more weight than just enquiring after my health, If I wasn't used to that shit, I could tell by the noticeable raise of the eye brows in apprehension.

'Nobody knows I'm crazy yet Jasper' I sighed.

'Yet?' he laughed.

I shrugged 'It's only been an hour'

'Ahh man it's good to have you here' Jasper already getting fucking sentimental on my ass, but I couldn't deny this felt pretty good. I had been so edgy about this whole day, yesterday can account for that but now I had jasper this shit didn't seem as bad, even if everything fell apart I was out of that Godamm house chilling with Jaz.

Jasper was insistent I met his friends, that shit made me tense a bit, it's all right when you're with somebody who no longer gapes at you but as soon as the first person gave me that _what the fuck_ expression I knew I was likely to get angry. I'm not the best as making long term friends unsurprisingly. I blew him off for now, telling him I had a class to go to but of course promised to later, no escaping that forever. I wanted this to be normal anyway; I just had to not be so fucking Edward Cullen for a few hours a day...Jesus as if it was that easy.

History was bearable, single desks saved me from annoying people; it would have helped my concentration if the teacher didn't have a monotone voice though. Half an hour in I noticed I had been counting the amount of vowels on the board, at least it was unnoticeable weirdness, I thanked my lucky stars for that.

Jasper found me at lunch back where I could take the edge off, inpatient bastard couldn't wait for me to get to know his friends.

'Not hiding are you?' he smirked.

'Can't a guy have a smoke, these friends of yours best be fucking interesting' I moaned enjoying my last drag before stubbing on the wall.

'It's not like you have anything to choose from?' he chuckled, cheeky shit.

I followed him to the parking lot, seemed to be a weird fucking place for people to hang out but the place was littered with prepubescent kids, didn't this school even have a playground. Jasper greeted most of the fuckers, but he kept walking until he stopped suddenly by a blonde girl, she looked me up and down before turning to Jasper not saying a word.

'All right' he nodded

'Where is everyone?' she questioned.

'About to ask you just that' he said scouring the park with his eyes 'this is Edward by the way' he said pointing at me with his thumb.

'The one with the obsessions' she blurted, Jaspers head abruptly spun to face her before just as quickly turning to check me out, gaping just when I thought I was over that shit with him.

'That would be me' I grinned a little taken back by her fucking honesty, I guess Jasper had to fill them in on me, probably preparing them. By his angry expression I guess the blonde just broke rule 101.

'Sensitive Rose' he heatedly sneered through gritted teeth.

'What? I'm not going to tiptoe round it all year' she snapped.

I laughed 'I'd rather you didn't to be fucking honest' nothing worse that someone smiling at me all sympathetic pretending as if I'm not out of my mind.

Jasper huffed sitting down; I leaned in saying it so that blonde didn't hear 'is that the friends you were so desperate for me to meet?' knowing that would piss him the hell off.

'No' he snapped angrily before looking at rose who was now flicking through her phone 'well kind of' he said suddenly changing his mind 'I mean not just her but I guess when it's not bitching season...Rosalie is one of us, otherwise I wouldn't have told her about you know...I only told our friends' it was weird hearing him describe them as our friends I hadn't even met the fuckers well except Rosalie who I could guess would take more than a minute to be friends with.

'Jasper it's all right...I don't want the whole fucking school knowing obviously but you know I can't stand the elephant in the room shit' I said, my own family still liked to evade to the weird Cullen and it drove me up the wall.

Jaspers 'friends' never appeared, I joked with him that they never fucking existed in the first place, he took me to English successfully pissed off.

The rest of the day flew by; it seemed a little too easy after all my apprehension, why did I spend a year being taught by my step mom if it was this fucking simple.

I furrowed my brow as I came round the corner to my house, eyes focusing on a silver Volvo parked outside our house, wondering who the hell would be visiting. Esme was sitting at the window watching for me, I rolled my eyes; she'd probably been there all fucking day, she waved with a smile creeping up on her face. Greeting me at the door, she watched my face expectantly; she was so Godamm disappointed yesterday when I turned up at eleven soaked in dirty water.

'Esme' I smiled

'So?' she asked impatiently, I looked at her pretending to be confused.

'Edward, how did it go?' she asked irritated.

'I'm still alive' I said all nonchalantly as If I hadn't been freaking out about this myself.

My dad cleared his throat, standing in the doorway 'survived then?' he asked.

'You two seem a little too fucking anxious; you should get some therapy for that' I jeered walking up the stairs knowing full well that would either piss them off or make them laugh.

I collapsed on my bed exhausted; I was never this tired with Esme teaching me, she must have been more of a soft spot that I realised. I glanced around my room, feeling my eyes drifting when I noticed the picture frame slightly off centre, I groaned closing my eyes _ignore it!! _But after a minute I climbed up straightening it out knowing I wouldn't pass out with it looking like that.

'Edward!' Esme's voice shouted 'dinner' I opened my eyes feeling like it should be morning, but I could clearly smell Esme's Spanish chicken, celebration dinner...Jesus you'd think id cured cancer.

I skulked down stairs, a little too groggy from my sleep; Esme was bringing plates into the dining room, smiling at me as I came in.

'Finally. ..Esme is desperate to hear about your day' my dad said as I pulled a chair out, Esme joined us, a banner saying well done hanging above my dad's head didn't escape my notice.

'Guys...it's one day' I sighed 'can we chill the fuck out and stop with the premature celebrations' knowing that it was very likely tomorrow or the next day I would fuck up and these over the top festivities would seem really stupid.

Dad laughed 'I guess you don't want the premature celebratory present then' he glanced at Esme who was smirking.

'What d'ya get?' I questioned skimming the room for a box or package, still seemed a little unnecessary but hell I wasn't going to refuse gifts.

My dad chucked me a leaflet, I grabbed it reading the blue writing, I looked up at them confused 'you bought me a fucking bus pass' they looked pretty serious, was I really suppose to rejoice over this shit.

'No' my dad suddenly spoke up, serious dad expression clear 'but I want you to remember how disappointing it is having a bus pass because if you don't take care of the real present sitting outside on the drive, I will be handing you one of those'

I stared at him incredulously, not daring to assume any awesomeness, not a chance in hell they would buy me a car. Then I remembered that fucking shiny silver Volvo I had admired when I got home, I stood up gaping at them, and Esme eventually burst into laughter.

'Is this a joke?' I demanded, hoping as hell it wasn't.

'How do you feel about Volvo's?' questioned my dad grinning, I threw my chair back onto the floor and shot towards the window to see the beautiful fucking shiny Volvo.

'You're fucking kidding me?' I yelled, but they were already behind me.

'Yesterday wasn't you're fault...but we think it might be a little easier if you drove yourself to school' I was actually getting a car for screwing up; this has to be my fucking lucky day.

'Keys!' I bellowed holding my hand out expectantly, I couldn't wait, I had my own car, a brand new Volvo at that.

'Tomorrow Edward...tonight we are having a family meal' nice way to be a buzz kill, I could hardly concentrate knowing that beautiful piece of machinery was mine. They quizzed me on every possible trivial thing, but after a hundred shoulder shrugs they gave up and let me go back to my room. Unbelievably I was still shattered; I passed out again dreaming of my beautiful Volvo.


	3. Chapter 3: From the edge of the deep

A/N: Thanks guys for the reviews. My first fanfic and to be honest I have no idea what I am doing...hope this chapter doesn't disappoint.

**Deviant-chaos-order**

_**From the edge of the deep green sea**_

**Bella Swan**

Maths, of all subjects Mathematics was the worst, in previous school years I had learnt to cope by disappearing into the crowd, teachers didn't often pick on me, they usually sensed I had issues with maths and so left me alone. That was until Mr Varner became my Maths teacher, it wasn't that he picked on me, he fired questions at everyone but no one seemed to find it as humiliating as I did. There would be no relaxing in Maths; I had discovered that as long as I was alert I could answer most questions correctly with minimal degradation. Today though seemed the day for all my previous planning to be discredited, half an hour into the lesson came my second question on quadratic equations; I had been listening intently but no amount of model pupil behaviour prepared me, I had no idea what the answer was. The whole class was waiting on my reply; I could feel the newly embarrassed ruby complexion rising to my cheeks.

'Erm, I don't know' I was hoping that admitting I was a idiot now would destroy any chance for further discomfort and remove all eyes of me, of course it couldn't be so simple.

'No come on Bella, try harder' pushed Mr Varner.

Now I really had begun to panic, there was no escaping and the pressure just made it harder for my brain to work, I shutoff, staring meaningfully at the board as if somehow the answer would reveal itself. I wanted so much to stick my head out of the window, I could feel my whole body radiating with mortified heat.

'Can anyone tell Miss Swan the answer' he sighed disapprovingly

I saw several hands shoot up from the corner of my eye as I dropped my head waiting for the embarrassment to pass. The sniggering began, sounding like it was coming from not so far behind me, I tried to recall who it could be before something hit the back of my head, a piece of scrunched up paper fell to the floor near my feet. I first thought it might be a love note gone array however nobody came to claim it and I realised I was probably the target.

Mr Varner didn't ask me another question and I wondered if his human side had noticed my obvious unease. When everyone was leaving I packed my bag slowly, curiosity driving me to find out what the note on the paper said and which jerk had thrown it.

With no surprise Tanya Denali and Lauren Mallory walked past no longer noticing me but I could be quite definite it was them. Once the class was suitably empty, I crouched down and unravelled the paper ball, it read one childish word.

_Dumbass! _

Despite expecting as much from them, I was still angry, I cursed them under my breath desperately wishing I could do something to remove their smug smiles. The rest of the Morning seemed to pass without torment, I met Alice underneath the science block, and she was reading a magazine, scrutinizing fashion I guessed. She greeted me followed by asking how my morning had gone; I lied rather than admit my maths torture.

Alice talked over lunch but I heard little of what she said, as much as I wanted to deny it, the maths episode was still on my mind. I know I care too much what people think of me but I couldn't help it, if those two jerks were thinking I'm an idiot, maybe everyone else was and tomorrow I would have to face it all over again.

Unexpectedly Emmett slammed his fist down on the table 'Fucking Dick' firstly I was shocked to even see Emmett at lunch time but then the fact that he was this angry told me something bad had happened, he was usually chilled out.

Alice tutted as she wiped a paper cloth over the juice Emmett's hand had callously knocked over, I waited for an explanation but Emmett was pacing backwards and forwards too occupied in heated frustration.

'What's happened?' I asked a little impatient.

'That dick' he barked, Alice rolled her eyes at Emmett's failed explanation.

I realised I wasn't going to get very far with Emmett in this mood so I sat back watching him as he gritted his teeth, deep in angry thought.

After final resignation, he slumped down in a chair beside me; ready to explain 'that dick from the park' I knew it was only a matter of time before he found out that our ungrateful rescue mission was actually a classmate. I had considered telling him after school yesterday, yet I held back wondering if there was any point, Emmett would only get antsy.

'What about him?' I asked playing stupid, I should have known they would cross paths eventually.

'He's here, he goes to this school' he explained staring at me waiting for a shock horror reaction, I widened my eyes in over exaggerated expression 'and he's such a dick' he continued.

Alice huffed 'Okay Emmett we get he is a dick, can you get to the point' she waved him along with her hand.

'I just had an argument with him...he knows Jasper somehow...Jasper expects me to chill with the dude as if were fucking buddies'

'Is this the weirdo who jumped in the water?' asked Alice confused.

'Yes' Emmett snapped 'he was just sitting there with Jasper'

The bell abruptly rang cutting Emmett's drawn out story short, we got up walking to our separate classes, Emmett mumbled more angry words, strange guy had some weird effect on him, infinitely able to rile him.

'Emmett?' I wondered 'what is his name?'

'Huh' he looked at me puzzled, before regaining his thoughts 'oh Edward something'

It seemed as if our run in with Edward was not restricted to just water sports, he had already had two encounters with Emmett and I feared the moment he recognised that his science partner was the person who saved him. He had looked at me with such resentment that day but I had a feeling he held back, there was more fury in him than he had actually unleashed.

What I wanted was to go home, relax and take my mind off school, I could have settled for even an English lesson but instead I had Science which had never held the dread it did now. Since Emmett's run in with Edward, I was sure that my time would come and soon enough I would face his wrath. I had that butterfly feeling, except maybe butterfly wasn't the right word because that implies meadows and nice things; this was more like a tornado in my stomach. I had gotten to Biology early so that I didn't have to walk in front of him; it was ridiculous he was my lab partner, how long realistically was I going to hide from him.

I hid my face behind a book, pretending to be engrossed in Cell production, could there be anything more unrealistic. I didn't see him walk in until I heard the stool next to me scratch against the linoleum, I jumped ridiculously throwing my head further into the book until my forehead was almost touching the pages and the words were nothing but a blur.

Mr Banner started the lesson jabbering on about genes again; abruptly I heard my name 'Bella' I recognised it straight away as my teacher 'Bella I'm sorry would you rather go and sit in the library and catch up on you're reading' oh god sarcasm, a way to make old people feel like comedians. I peeked my eyes above the top of the book 'no sir'.

He held his hands up signalling me to lower the book, I dropped the book from my face and placed it on the table 'beautiful' he exclaimed before carrying on. Did I have a signal on me today saying _teachers pick on me_? Luckily there were no Tanya or Laurens in my biology class to make fun of me, Mike Newton turned and smiled at me, nothing seemed to turn him off me.

I suddenly remembered the reason I was hiding behind a book, my eyes wandered beside me, freezing when they met his black eyes which were squinting through his forceful expression. I fleetingly looked away, taken by surprise until I glanced back to find him still glaring at me...my cover was up.

'Bella' he said expectant although it didn't seem to be a question.

'Yes?' I questioned, I daren't meet his eyes, terrified that my mouth wouldn't work if I had to look directly at him. I was met by silence, so I peeked up too see him but he was back concentrating on Mr Banner I wondered if he had even heard me.

I found myself watching him again; discretely of course, his body was so rigid he never moved an inch even his blinking seemed slower. I was curious, I removed my pen from my pencil case, and I quickly jotted my name on my pad then causally tossed it in front of me. There was no pause this time, his eyes shot towards the red pen as soon as it hit the plastic table, that same aggravated expression covering his face, before his glare focused on me again. _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Why did you just do that?_

He released his jaw which had been locked down 'can you not do that' he growled.

Startled I stared at him for a minute before I recovered enough to say 'Not do what?' acting dumb was my best bet.

He sighed 'Never mind' shaking his head, Mr Banner was once again the only blip on his peripheral.

I could feel my cheeks get hot, embarrassed by my own stupidity, wondering why I had just put myself purposely on the firing line for another angry encounter when it was the exact thing I was aiming to avoid.

**Edward Cullen**

I wasn't in the fucking mood for this science lesson, I had the feeling I wasn't going to make it through, this much anxiety in a day meant only one thing for me. I was so Goddamn content yesterday, of course it was all going to come crashing down on me.

I sat up on the stool, hoping I could somehow focus, I knew if I didn't I was on the road to a pretty early fuck up. Banner was stalling, I wanted him to hurry up and give me some shitty work to take my mind off. Suddenly he looked at me, I wondered if id subconsciously already been giving away tell tale signs, no leg tapping, I'm pretty sure I wasn't shaking or rocking then suddenly he said that name, that skyrocketed me back to lunch.

I looked to the seat next to me, those chocolate locks falling downside her cheeks desperately trying to conceal her blush before those matching eyes met mine, that same timid girl. _Bella_

I was sitting quite fucking satisfied that I was in a school lunch room next to jasper actually rating high school girls. It was kind of a simple thing but it was huge when I considered last year's source of pussy was mainly from bitches with mental problems. Unfortunately we were joined by the blonde Rosalie, who I figured I would find sexy as fuck if she didn't have that constant broom up the ass look on her face.

'Em's coming...he's just getting drinks' she said sitting down beside Jasper, I got the feeling she was still fielding me out. I hoped Em wasn't short for Emily any more girls and I was sure Jasper was turning queer on my ass.

'Her' jasper pointed to a chic with blonde hair, she skipped along the room, I already recognised her.

'Oh god not that bitch' I groaned.

'You know her?' questioned Jasper.

'Nah, she sits next to me in Math, fucking annoying, laughing all the time...she tried talking to me but her whiny voice made me want to smack it shut' I blurted recalling her throwing paper at some girl who got really fucking embarrassed because she couldn't answer a question, I could see her drop her head as if the whole world imploded because she didn't know her equations. The blonde turned to me, trying to be all flirty; all I could think was that she had an odd number of clips in her hair.

Rosalie looked at me disapprovingly before she waved to someone behind her, maybe she was friends with the blonde, and in that case I probably deserved the look.

'Jasper!' I heard the booming male voice from behind me, and then I felt the hand resting on my shoulder 'dude I rang you yesterday' I gritted my teeth and tried to unassumingly shrug the hand off.

I saw Jasper notice my irritation but he knew better than to interfere so he said 'Oh did you...sit down man'

'Where were you?' the obnoxious guy bellowed still leaning down on me as if I was a fucking arm rest, I shrugged more forcefully now feeling myself growing more unnerved 'where's this weird dude you wanted us to meet anyway?' he continued.

I bolted up from my seat sending his arm flying backwards, I spun around to see the annoying dick, realising it was an annoying dick from my past. There was no doubt he recognised me as he glowered back, there was a silent stare off before he faltered over his words.

'What the hell are you doing here?' he yelled.

_Shit_. I knew it then, my cover was wrecked, already somebody had seen me freak out and I had not so cleverly pissed him off enough to hold a grudge. I knew how high school shit works, an hour and I would be the crazy kid who jumps in ponds forever. It's too late to go back; I might as well go down fighting.

'It's called school' I stated rolling my eyes.

'You go here?' he questioned already irritated by my sarcastic tone.

I looked around 'Oh wow look at that...this is a school'

He clenched his fists 'Look man, what's your problem?' he asked.

'No problem...Just prefer you didn't touch me with your greasy hands' I snarled.

I saw the blonde stand up but Emmett as I remember him put his hand up to stop her 'You're a freaking psycho, dude, I'm not wasting my time with you' he waved me off with his hand, retreating but then he remembered something and spun back to face me 'oh but you better stay away from Bella'

'Who the fuck is Bella?' I asked confused.

'Bella is the girl who saved you from drowning you dick!' he roared, _whoa soft spot._

'Oh yea the girlfriend' I mumbled.

'What?' he questioned.

'Your bitch, woman whatever you call her' I flippantly dismissed.

'I call her Bella, you asshole' he shouted really fucking angry his teeth gritted and everything; it was slightly too much fun pissing Emmett off and a little too easy. He turned around, while every bit of me told myself to leave it, of course I demanded the last word.

'Whatever, like I care' I grunted.

I should have known he was about as stubborn as me, he bolted towards me his finger in my face 'You should fucking care, I'll tell everyone about your pond stunt, don't doubt me' he whispered so that only I could hear.

I rolled my eyes as he finally departed, as cool as I was playing it, that was exactly what I didn't want, every fucker in this school avoiding the crazy kid. I wanted to be normal; maybe I couldn't manage a year but more than a God damn week at least.

Now the girl who Emmett was so fucking protective off was sitting beside me and that momentary glance told me she knew exactly who I was, of course she remembers it; she jumped in stinking shitty water after me. _Fuck _two people already know, I stared at Banner trying really fucking hard to control the urge, right now I wanted to start tapping, I could feel the niggle in my leg. Block it out I thought, _gene structure, gene structure, _I could freak out later right now I just had to get through an hour.

I was nearly cool, until the red pen caught my eye; she has to be doing this on purpose now, no way was anyone that clumsy.

'Can you not do that?' I growled unable to hide my frustration.

She bit her lip, her eyes dropping I couldn't ignore the fact that she looked just like she did the first time I spoke to her or actually spoke about her. God she was hard to be angry at, she was so nervous and then when those barely audible words shook from her lips 'not do what?' Oh Jesus I was failing on all levels to intimidate Emmett, so I had resorted to scaring girls, I really was pathetic.

I dismissed it, knowing the girl most likely, was just trying to get through the science lesson sitting next to crazy; I didn't have to fear her gossip. Me and Emmett were treading on a fine line though, I wouldn't last long sucking up to someone and he was unlikely to take anymore of my shit.

Then as if to pull me from my reverie, I heard the murmur beside me, so quiet you would think she was talking to herself 'I'm sorry' she mumbled her face looking off to the desk.

'Sorry?' I questioned, she seemed to squirm under my eyes so I followed her example and looked away.

'For saving you in the water' she explained 'I didn't mean to interfere...I just...I don't know' she tripped over her own words, as if her life depended on the explanation. I thought as much, 'saving' she was under the impression she had witnessed a suicide attempt.

'Sorry to destroy your ego- trip but you're not a hero yet...I wasn't drowning' I retorted a little annoyed by the ridiculous assumption.

I was met by silence, until I glimpsed at her, she was sitting chewing on her fingernails, confusion spread across her face. I knew exactly what she was thinking but she was too spineless to ask, was it better for her to assume I was suicidal or explain the real fucking crazy reason. I realised it didn't really matter; she was hardly going to pin me by the balls when she couldn't even look at me, but she could be the key to Emmett. How manipulative could I be?

**Bella swan**

The tone told me everything, I had pried once, and I wouldn't again.

I hoped apologising would remove any resentment he held for rescuing him, it did seem pretty stupid apologising for trying to save his life but anything to avoid that angry stare. In usual Bella style; I seemed to only annoy him more, he wanted to deny what I had seen, pretend that he hadn't jumped feet first into liquid green. Impossible to deny, after all I had been there with him, surrounded by bubbles as I tugged on his reluctant waist, I had been in the water only seconds yet I could already feel the sting in my throat he must have been drowning nevertheless his fight was less with the water and more with his body.

He suddenly groaned, running his hand through his hair 'Just ask' he snapped, I guess my disbelief was a little too visible.

I was hesitant but I was pretty sure my silence only annoyed him more 'Sorry, I was just wondering what you were doing then, in the water I mean'

There was a weighty pause before he answered, he seemed to be choosing his words carefully 'I get stressed, it was a way to calm down' I could see him peeking at me from the corner of his eyes, so I was wary of my expression, I nodded 'oh'.

'It's complicated, I don't expect you to understand but I would like to keep it secret' his eyes now met mine completely, the blackness of them hiding the white as he squinted fervently at me 'that means you keeping your mouth shut'

I stuttered quickly 'I won't...tell anyone I mean'

He nodded, before questioning 'How about you're Emmett?'

'What about him?' I asked.

He sighed 'You seem to be able to stop him from punching me...could you stop him from opening his mouth?'

'Emmett wouldn't tell anyone' I protested, Emmett was hardly Forks highs version of gossip girl.

He rubbed his hand over his forehead, I had a feeling I frustrated him even though I was trying extra hard not to 'Look, just make sure he doesn't' I was hoping that only in my imagination, that last line seemed like a threat.

'Okay' I mumbled, I was unsure whether his reason for jumping in the water was simply an excuse, he was defiantly against me thinking he had purposely aimed to harm himself.

Just as if we had never spoken his focus was right back on Mr Banner, I felt relieved, if that was my Edward encounter it had to be less traumatic than I had feared. As long as I didn't tell anyone about his pond moment, I seemed to have escaped with a slightly scary exchange; I would accept that any day. I hoped Emmett had calmed down by now and didn't have any plans for revenge or I would have to steer him.

Alice was waiting for me after Biology, I had for some unknown reason promised a shopping trip as an apology for missing Monday. I tried to drag Emmett to our shopping trip, hoping it would soften the blow if I had an equally repulsed shopper with me but Alice refused and obviously so did he. I thought I knew Alice quite well enough but after today I also know the colour of her briefs. I blushed when she appeared out of the changing room in a yellow underwear set; I had to fight the urge to muscle her behind the curtain like an old woman. My main question was where does one look in these situations, I tried to awkwardly keep my eyes focused on her eyes, all the time feeling just about as uncomfortable as someone can.

'Alice remind me why we are underwear shopping? Is this not kind of a private thing?' I asked while flicking through a magazine, simply for avoidance purposes.

'I have a plan' she announced 'and I need your advice on seductive underwear' she winked before laughing at I guess, my incredulous expression. I was in no way helpful in this department, not that Alice would truly trust in my opinion on clothes anyway, she was far too clued up on fashion to need my advice.

'Maybe you should have let Emmett come then' I joked.

'True' she agreed chuckling 'but I mean it; I'm going to seduce a guy'

'By stripping down to your underwear?' I questioned.

'No Bella...God you are so naive sometimes' she argued 'wearing sexy underwear makes you feel sexy and confident and therefore more likely to come across as seductive' I tried not to act as if I was so inexperienced, I wondered whether this was just something girls knew.

'So who is he?' I probed.

Her only response was a wink but she was visibly excited by the prospect her new challenge. The evening's conversation followed on much the same, Alice was like my very own teenage novel dipping in and out of the conflicting feelings of a first love. Alice had actually told me she had been in love many times before but now that she had her heart set on secret boy she had realised that those loves were all 'false mockeries of love', this was finally the real thing. I tried not to be sceptical, after all what did I know.


	4. Chapter 4: where is my mind?

A/N Hmm took me a while...but finally chapter 4...reviews are always appreciated so muchhhh! Hope this doesn't make you hate Edward =)

**Deviant-chaos-order**

_**Where is my Mind?**_

**Edward Cullen**

I'm a dick, that shouldn't be a surprise but even for me, this is grade A dick. That timid girl was anything but timid as her sad toffee eyes searched for a reason as to why I was such an asshole. The only reason being, that I'm a selfish prick, who's resorted to blaming a stranger for my own problems.

Just as was my problem, I had slipped back into content, pretty fucking satisfied that I had a beautiful car, a pretty normal existence and that I had successfully bribed Bella into keeping my pond stunt forever more a secret. That's the problem, me and contentment just don't mix, but it had been a week since I had been driven to scare her into keeping her mouth shut. It seems Bella was right about Emmett he hadn't even filled jasper in on why I and Emmett had this unspoken rivalry.

He needn't have bothered; I still told Jasper about the infamous water moment which seemed like it would forever haunt me, of course not before I made Jasper beg for it, strictly for comedic purposes. I needed at least one person I could bitch at and jasper whether he liked it or not was that such guy.

Turns out he wasn't willing to come between us childish fuckers, so lunch time was a pretty awkward situation. We had managed to escape any blows, instead we now seemed to have evolved in to an unspoken truce whereby we both tolerated that the other existed. I took extra long smokes so I could lose the temptation to wind the obnoxious guy up and through uncomfortable observation I learnt that Emmett's bitch wasn't Bella but Rosalie. She kept him pretty distracted, I made sure to keep my eyes off them at lunch, nothing worse to put me off my food than them two getting it on. I guess it figures bitch and ass together. So it was a pretty secure assumption that I was in the safe zone with Emmett, I think it was mainly to pacify Jasper but either way I felt relieved.

Dad and Esme were so Goddamn happy as well, every day was like their newly reformed son had come home, occasionally I still saw a flicker of disbelief in my dad's face. It was just a little too easy in his eyes that I would come home without any issues; I had resolved to not tell them even if something did happen. One freak out and I'm sure he would demand I was home schooled again, can't ruin Carlisle Cullen's reputation as a stand up guy.

As my second week came to an end, I was awoken to the truth, nothing stays secret for long.

Lunch was coming to an end, one more lesson and I was free form this shit hole, I wanted one last smoke to get me through Maths and Tanya fucking Denali.

While finishing up, I noticed a pixie girl giving me the eyes from across the lot, she wasn't exactly my type but she was defiantly attractive, I gave her a nod. I guess that's all she needed as she danced across to me, she was tiny, we would be a fucking freak show relationship all right.

'Edward right' she smiled.

'Yea' I asked eyebrows raised, I thought I had gone pretty unnoticed in this place.

'Hey, I've seen you with Jasper a few times, how's it going?' her white teeth gleamed at me.

'Yea me and Jasper go way back, you friends with him?' I enquired wondering if Jasper had filled her in on me as well.

'Not really, we have a few lessons together' she shrugged 'What school did you go too before?'

'Reservation' it was easier to lie.

'Oh wow, why did you move?' nosey bitch, I didn't realise I was playing twenty questions.

'What did you say you're name was?' I asked skilfully diverting the questions of me.

'I didn't' she giggled 'Alice, sorry if I'm being full on, I've been curious of you ever since I heard about you'

I smirked 'heard about me eh? Only good things I hope'

Her lips tightened into a line 'well, when I heard about you jumping in the water, I thought you must be mad'

I coughed, the ashen smoke escaping my lips, I froze for a second before I met her confused eyes 'who told you?' I barked.

She looked at me disbelievingly wondering why my mood had callously turned sour 'Bella mentioned it' she sounded out slowly.

_Fuck_ I could feel myself turn rigid, anger burning my insides, I tried to breathe and ignore the urge to kick the shit out of something. I was sure I had warned Bella enough, she promised me and now the bitch had been telling any Goddamn person she felt like. I was most likely the joke of the school, maybe I hadn't noticed, I usually lived inside my head. Unknowingly people were probably taking the piss out of the Crazy Cullen and I had just been walking around on top of the fucking world like a dumbass oblivious fucker.

I tossed my cigarette on the floor; I had to get out if this public place, I wasn't sure if it even mattered anymore, my cover could already be up. I turned my back on the pixie, retreating from the car park I suddenly felt paranoid, a person laughed and I was definite it was at me. The pacing began, back and forth behind the canteen praying that nobody walked by, I felt too far gone to pull myself together, I needed this, it had been so long since I could just let it out. I held my breath, counting how long between each exasperated gasp until I could hold it no longer. I felt exhausted; I doubled over a wall, my head buzzing from lack of oxygen. I was furious and I knew exactly who I wanted to take it out on.

**Bella Swan**

The building was empty that afternoon, everyone was at lunch, and I could finally concentrate on my art although truthfully I was still finding no muse. Mr Harding had forced me into submission with threats of failing if I didn't branch out, and so I was now creating an artistic masterpiece on the 'evolution of change' as it was stated in the art guidelines. I was still decoding exactly what an 'evolution of change' could refer to, but with very little success. Mr Harding would appear every half hour or so, hoping that I had created something inspiring or at least made a start I guess, but he didn't say anything to me instead pottering around and occasionally glancing over. He had told my father that I was 'struggling to find an outlet for my creativity and so I hid behind copying other peoples work', Charlie just nodded along as he always did on parents' evenings usually distracted by the fact that he was missing the mariners play.

The silence would occasionally be disturbed by excited freshman enjoying high school a little too much. I seemed to be the only one, who had excused herself from lunch to work, until I saw Mike Newton standing outside the glass art door struggling with an art canvass. I ran to unlock the door, and he shuffled his way through trying to manoeuvre his canvass through the rectangle door way, while saying 'thank you'.

"What are you doing on that?" I asked curiously

"I chose History of the worlds, so I'm doing a aliens view of the world after apocalypse" he answered

I looked at him puzzled, this was one of the reasons, I was failing art, the ability to take a subject and imagine up some bizarre art piece which somehow fitted even though to me it seemed ridiculous. If I get a subject called the 'evolution of change', my first thought is start drawing the monkeys turning into humans, but in Mr Harding's words 'Bella, you are being too literal'.

I quickly snapped my jaw shut and moulded it into my best smile "sounds great", I was not about to tell him he sounded crazy because after all, it was more than I had at this point. I was beyond jealous when he began colouring red pastel on his canvass, racking my brain for ideas had now become a bore.

"So I don't suppose you have any suggestions for mine" I was desperate for someone to just tell me what to do, so I could at least begin and be over with it.

"Hmm, well you could do the gay or civil rights movement" he said, while luckily still concentrating on his canvass, because my face was a picture of bewilderment as I tried to find some words "What you think?" he continued

"Err yeah could do" I answered, Mike's reply was my final nail in the coffin, I was screwed for definite, I just don't have the imagination for this. I should have dropped Art last year but I love the whole creative bit where I can paint for 5 hours and then get a grade for it.

The clouds had been warning us all day, but not until now did they decide to unload a shattering of rain upon us, three girls ran past the window screaming as the rain dishevelled their perfect blonde curls. I had been purposefully delaying my next lesson as I always did but as the bell went; I knew it was time to face Maths. At least I could relax safe in the knowledge that the weekend was only a couple of lessons away.

The hellish lesson of Maths was in full swing, me waiting with baited breath for a question when déjà vu hit me over the back of the head, this time the paper ball falling onto my desk. I looked up to check Mr Varner hadn't noticed and then unravelled the paper.

_**Bella**_

Just my name, no abuse surprised me, I scrunched the ball back up and shoved it to the side of my desk, drawing my attention back to class, I was sure this was some form of annoyance Tanya and Lauren were aiming at but they were more creative usually.

Within ten minutes another Note landed on my desk, this time I was more nervous to find its contents seeing their first note had failed to rile me; they may have extended to more extreme measures.

_**Hello**_

I questioned what they were aiming at achieving now, I turned slightly to the side and peeped out of the corner of my eye, finding they were not looking at me but Instead writing, I scrunched up my eyes did they really expect me to not know it was them . Maybe they expected me to reply, in which they could then laugh over whether I believed we were friends. I turned back, pushing the note to my side, but within minutes a third annoying note landed on my table and now a few kids beside me had noticed and were questioning to themselves why I was so popular today.

_**Morning Bella**_

I stared at the words, confused by the meaning of these riddle notes, desperate to turn around and swat the two of them away. It was while in mid thought that I heard him.

'Miss Swan, May I disturb you for a second and ask you how you would calculate this sum, that is if you're not too busy'

My head shot up, to find Mr Varner staring at me, my hand still holding the note, my heart seemed to skip a beat and then increase in pace instantaneously.

'Erm...well would you' I could hear the sniggering begin behind me, which certainly didn't help my panic 'subtract ...and then ...erm multiply'

'You don't seem very sure... maybe you should listen instead of passing notes'

I could feel my eyes well up, as embarrassment hit at an all time high, it wasn't simply being caught out on a question, it was the realisation that those morons had managed to set me up, their notes were just a way of getting me in trouble.

Tanya's shrill voice suddenly piped up 'oh Mr Varner I know...it's easy' she bragged, rubbing my idiocy in. My whole brain shut off, her voice and the guffaws behind me blurring in the wake of my humiliation.

It was like I had suddenly hit their radar, a speck on their windshield ready to be eradicated. My whole meltdown was like a comedy show for them, I was surprised that anyone could be so heartless but it seemed they were willing to milk my shame for all it was worth as long as it won them some favour with their friends.

By the end of the lesson I still hadn't recovered, I packed my bad speedily hoping to escape to the science block where I could pull myself together, every time I thought about it I felt my face heat up and the moisture in my eyes resurface. I was half way down the corridor when I heard my name, I was surprised to find anyone wanted to speak to me, but I was in no mood to converse afraid I would break into tears.

'Bella, you left this' he called after me, I checked my belongings as I walked sure that I hadn't forgotten anything.

Unfortunately he caught up to me, running alongside was Edward, he handed me another note, smirking. I stopped, inspecting the message

Pay backs a bitch

I blinked at the paper puzzled, before glancing at him to see the same black eyes that I had come to fear.

'I asked you to keep your mouth shut Bella' he snarled.

I shook my head, connecting the dots 'you sent the notes'

He simply glared at me, his jaw set.

'Why?' I whispered mostly to myself, confused.

'Because I saw how Goddamn pathetic you were when you were asked a question...I want you to understand the embarrassment I'm going to have to deal with now because of you' he snapped, the words quickly falling out of his mouth.

'I didn't tell anybody' I stuttered, trying to recall accidentally slipping but I was sure.

'Well that chick Alice must be a fucking Psychic' he growled, my denial visibly irritating him, I shivered away from his bitter tone.

'I told Alice before I knew you went to forks...before you asked me to keep quiet' I protested, recalling the moment I had told Alice about the guy who had been nothing but a stranger, I could feel my eyes hazing over as tears tried to escape. I was some sort of game, so easily nervous, he enjoyed watching my downfall.

'Whatever Bella' he chortled 'It doesn't matter...I got a good laugh at you'

'I never told anybody' I shouted, frustrated I threw the note at him which drifted to the floor just as my tears did. I hated that he had brought me to tears over something that I didn't even do, ever since his warning I had been extra cautious not to even speak off him. Alice had asked me about him, curious as to why he had jumped in the water, I had purposely shrugged it off, afraid off facing this sort of confrontation. Despite all of my tip toeing, here I was in the arms of the monster. I hated him, his spiteful nature which so arrogantly revelled in my shame.

Turning on him, I carried on walking, closer to my paradise of escapism, but Edward still followed. He called my name, coming face to face with me; his expression had changed to genuine disbelief whether it was my outburst or the fact that I was crying over something that seemed so trivial to him.

'Look I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd cry' he yelled unremorsefully.

'Yea, well congrats, I'm sure you can run along and laugh about it some more' I cried, a little taken back by my own melodramatic outburst, despite the fact that he stood dark eyed and furious, my pained anger drove me.

'Seriously Bella' I cut him off 'Please, just leave me alone' he stood still as I paced away. As soon as I made it into the block, I plonked myself on the flour, glad to find that I was quicker than Alice, I had promised to meet her before last lesson. I preferred her not to know about my little episode, I pulled my sleeves down on my green jumper and dabbed at my cheeks hoping to remove all the evidence, but I could imagine the shade of my cheeks. I heard her chatting before she came in, so I quickly pulled out my book and pretended to be deep in reading; she continued talking about something on her mobile. I couldn't quite catch the gist of her exchange but I was relieved enough to find it distracted her from me.

I was mortified, I wanted to crawl into a ball under my covers and pretend the whole hellish thing hadn't taken place. It seemed so trivial and simple, he had said it himself, I was pathetic but it didn't stop me from feeling so damaged.


	5. Chapter 5: There goes the fear

A/N: Thanks subscribers and reviewers...I am Amazed that anyone at all has bothered to read but I really appreciate it...this is kind of a continuation on from Chapter 4 so it is a bit short.

**Deviant-chaos-order**

_**There goes the fear**_

**Edward Cullen**

Only now did I ask myself the question, which should have been first on my list. What if she didn't sell me out to Alice? That hurt expression in her soft eyes hit me right in the stomach, I had done far worse shit than that in my life but staring into her glassy eyes, shit I felt guilty. Of course she wouldn't tell Alice, the girl was Goddamn terrified of me, I had realised that while sitting next to her for the past two weeks, she spent every Biology lesson perched on the edge of the stool, cowering away from me.

I had noticed her in Maths, realised that the girl who couldn't stand attention was In fact Bella, so what did I do? I used her biggest fucking insecurity and flaunted it for bitches like Tanya Denali to laugh at.

I was so full of irrational rage when I figured if Alice knew, everyone must know. I just wanted to hurt her, take my revenge but I never figured how Goddamn in the wrong I would feel afterwards, probably because I didn't expect to see her look so broken, probably because I genuinely didn't account for the option whereby Bella had done nothing wrong.

Then even when I said sorry, I sounded like a dick who didn't really mean it. I had resolved to speak to her, muster the balls and words to apologise seeing as my first one seemed so insincere. I had figured I would have to wait till tomorrow in biology however half way out of Forks High I saw her, that unmistakeable chocolate hair in front of her face, her chin practically on the floor.

I slowed my car, driving beside her as she trudged down the path; eventually she turned her head to see me and just as quickly shot her head forward in protest. I smirked at her effort to be spunky when she was always so clearly scared. I wound down my window 'Do you want a lift?' I shouted.

'No thank you' she said it curtly so I would know that her politeness was disingenuous.

I pumped the door open 'Look just get in'

She continued walking, increasing her pace slightly as if she could somehow compete with my beautiful Volvo 'No, I am just fine walking but thank you' the false civility of which she spoke, naturally made me laugh.

'Oh stop the crap and get in' I stopped the car 'don't make me get out' I threatened, being a sneaky fucker and using whatever

She stared at the car weighing up some invisible options; she eventually hesitantly slipped into the seat and began fidgeting with her hands, I wanted to hold them still.

'Look I'm sorry about today; I guess I took it too far' I said starting up the car; she stared out of the window as if I hadn't even addressed her.

'I really didn't mean to upset you like that' I continued.

'Ha' she scoffed, before biting her lip surprised by her own admission.

'What?' I asked, curious as to what she would have said if not for the annoying filter in her head.

She glanced up at me before deciding to continue 'Well, I thought that was kind of your goal'

'To upset you' I questioned.

'Yes. You told me it was funny' she accused.

It wasn't funny at all, during her whole shameful fall I had felt uncomfortable, leading the lamb to the lions. Or maybe I was the Lion, after all I had pounced on her adversity, pretended to revel in her humiliation.

'Bella...I was pissed off...I thought you were going around telling any old fucker about me'

She shook her head and I could tell that she was being evasive 'What?' I demanded trying to control my frustration annoyed by her silence.

'There's nothing to tell' she stuttered 'You jumped in a pond two weeks ago...why are you so worried?'

I wasn't about to explain that fucked up crap 'Why are you so worried when you're asked a question in math?' perfect diversion tactic.

She shrugged her shoulders, nice save Cullen, she wouldn't answer either.

'So where am I taking you?' I questioned, she followed with precise directions before turning her head back towards her window, I felt like the goddamn beast the way she always averted her eyes from me, was I that much of an ugly fucker.

'I don't like Math' she unexpectedly spoke; I glanced at her far away face 'I feel so useless, so when everyone is waiting on my answer like that...I guess I can't handle the pressure' my jaw just about dropped open with her confession. So did my heart, Jesus I was the jerk who made her feel like that, guilty much?

**Bella Swan**

I considered the cold slog home against the warm car which invited me in; of course the frosty driver was a much stronger reason to run screaming or less dramatically refuse adamantly to get into his car. I felt so broken already, how could a drive home with Edward be any worse, I would just avoid his eyes.

It stunned me when he began to apologise, this time with what almost seemed like regret, could he really be lamenting his angry tirade? It still seemed like he was running through the motions of an apology without really feeling it, he had confessed to enjoying my squirming I didn't understand why there had been such a striking change of heart.

He held onto this pond moment so fanatically, two weeks had passed yet he lived in fear as if it revealed something horrific about his character. That moment when I saved him from the water was not the moment which had stuck in my head, it was the ensuing arguments, the constant irritable wrestle with anyone who got close to knowing who Edward Cullen really was.

It wasn't completely with ease at which I told him, but it was certainly easier. Edward compared whatever his problem was with one of mine, which meant I didn't have to fear being the bizarre nervous one because for once someone else was strange. After all, it was hardly a heart wrenching confession, to any person it was obvious I was terrified of math or the attention Math brought me.

There was a silence, I didn't expect him to follow my example and express his own troubles, I had learnt by now how closely he locked them to his chest. I relaxed into his car seat, the warm soothing smells of new car and aftershave surrounding me.

'You like the car' he smirked; I blushed not realising he was watching me or that I was so overtly enjoying the rare lift home.

'Yes...it's nice to get a lift...forks hardly has the best stroll home kind of weather' I admitted.

'True, where's your walking buddy today?' I guessed he was referring to Emmett, who hadn't mentioned Edward since his run in, I was curious as to whether they were on speaking terms now.

'Emmett has football practice...how are the two of you?' I asked sceptically.

'I am fine...I can't speak on behalf of him' that just about summed up their relationship, icy would be my guess 'guy's got a temper'

'Ha' I accidentally scoffed for the second time, finding the sense of irony too humorous, I bit my lip wishing I could take it back and pretty sure he wouldn't let me get away with it.

I glanced up to see his face glaring at me for an explanation 'It's just Emmett's such a pussy cat where as...' I stalled unsure if I should reveal my opinions on him so candidly.

'I'm...' he continued, waving his hand for me to finish.

'Well you seem to have the temper' I mumbled.

He was silent, which made me edgy, whenever in his company I waited with baited breath for the moment he turned into the livid Edward willing to tear down whoever crossed him. I knew only too well, having been one of those people.

'Plan's for the weekend?' he finally spoke after a couple of minutes of only radio filled silence.

I wished I had some interesting plans to tell of but Alice had a secret boy strategy which needed to be put into action, so I was likely going to be at home. I internally groaned at the thought of me and Charlie in each other's hair all weekend.

'Nothing interesting, you?' I answered.

He didn't answer instead pointing outwards, I followed to see we had pulled up outside my house 'this it?' he asked.

'Oh yea' I had failed to notice how close we were to home, I was torn between the inevitable relief at being released from his always unpredictable company versus the want to know more, the hope I held that I would catch a glimpse into the mystery which sheathed him. Edward had always been so unreachable, a distant anomaly who showed no soul, no humanity. For the first time, we had done the unthinkable, we had spoken.

I unbuckled myself 'Well thank you' I said before trying to open the door which I found to be locked. I clicked the latch a couple of times, before glancing at Edward who was watching me with a grin 'I can't get it open' I explained still fiddling frustratingly with the unruly handle.

Abruptly the scent of aftershave hit me, Edward leant over me, his face uncomfortably close to mine, he effortlessly lifted the handle and the door popped open, he smiled his mocking smile 'you have to lift it'

I giggled embarrassed, before faltering out of the car 'Bella' he said, I turned to meet his eyes 'night'

**Edward Cullen**

Despite how annoying her panicky nature was, I couldn't deny the charm of the amusement she unintentionally caused me. It was as if she didn't realise how blindly obvious she was, trying desperately to hide the fear which she felt towards me; God knows why she still felt that way. Leaning over her was wrong; I admit that was the intentional cheeky shit in me wanting to see if she was still scared of me. Of course she was, she nearly fell out of the car, I had drawn lines in the sand, in her eyes I had made my intentions clear on that first day we met and no amount of goodwill would erase the lasting memory of crazy Edward Cullen.

She was so normal really, just a shy girl, yet I could tell she didn't feel normal. She had her own irrational fear whereby she seemed to think the whole was scrutinizing her, when in fact I doubted anyone noticed her in a room, not because she wasn't pretty or because she was even uninteresting but because she purposely hid.


	6. Chapter 6:Atrocity Exhibition

**A/N okay this seemed to take me ages for some reason but here is chapter 6, this is the next day from chapter 5 just in case that wasn't clear. Reviews are always appreciated from you wonderful readers thanks!**

**Deviant-chaos-order**

_**Atrocity Exhibition**_

**Edward Cullen**

Saturday meant extending my fake normality beyond just the school week, Jasper's birthday had arrived and Emmett my new best friend had decided at lunch to throw a spontaneous birthday party in his honour. I could have passed up on it, saved myself from a tricky situation but Emmett's party included alcohol which meant no anxiety for me, the magic of vodka is I stop giving a shit. I also realised that there was no point going to Forks, if I wasn't going to enjoy the benefits of teenage parties, two weeks in this place and I still hadn't pulled, that would have to change pretty quick I can't have Jasper getting more bitches than me. I revelled in the fact that I would be in Emmett's house, it was like my personal backhand and I fully intended to rub it in because he knew he couldn't stop me from coming. I said I'd pick jasper up, no way did I want to be stuck at Emmett's house alone, that would be a fucking awkward situation, I can hear the radiated silence form here. Especially if his bitch Rosalie was there, she wasn't so withstanding on her opinions about me, every opportunity she had she flaunted her distaste for me. Nothing direct just very obvious huffs and groans, then that constipated face she wore whenever in my company, I had learnt a lesson, do not fuck with Rosalie Hales boyfriend.

Jasper was waiting on the wall outside his house when I arrived, eager fucker. He jogged over, before sliding in; no one had been in my car before, well except for Bella actually, but as soon as I saw Jasper's crappy shoes on my dashboard, I knew It wouldn't help the obsessive in me, luckily it was only Jasper. I didn't have to tip toe around him anymore.

'Shoes off my goddamn dashboard asshole' he jumped, but with no hesitation lowered his feet to the floor, he was lucky that I even let him touch that.

'Jeez, no need to shout' he shrugged 'honestly how do you get it on with a girl, hardly charmer of the month are you'

I chuckled 'I can be when I want to be...but I'm not trying to get in your pants Jaz'

'Thank God' he yelled.

We pulled up to a large house, kind of matched its owner, hulking unnecessary eyesore. Music was already blaring out of an amplifier; he had even gone to the effort of attaching a banner scrolling Happy Birthday Jasper. Once inside, I headed straight to the drinks, while Jasper went to find Emmett, it was already reasonably full. Emmett's gaudy decorations extended beyond the outdoor sign, with balloons and happy birthday banners lining the ceiling, I was beginning to realise that Jaz and Emmett were actually good fucking friends and I would have to just accept that.

I was gulping down my first vodka when I heard a voice bellow 'Cullen' I looked beside me to find the exact guy I was thinking off, I choked back the fiery vodka as it skidded down my throat 'didn't mean to frighten you Eddy' he thumped me on the back pretending to clear my chest like the good Samaritan I'm sure he was. 'Emmett' I said through gritted teeth hating the name Eddy, he grabbed himself a glass, filling it with beer he turned to me 'the pools outside if you fancied a swim' he smirked purposely thumbing towards his garden. 'Maybe later' I grinned trying my hardest to not let the cheeky bastard get to me, he chuckled to himself before walking away pretty fucking satisfied with himself.

I was more of the observant party goer, I felt like an annoyed parent tutting as I watched normal teenage kids transform into dicks due to their alcohol induced euphoria. Idiots like Mike Newton get drunk of his ass and come on to girls he would typically never dare speak too, bitches like Tanya Denali turn into even bigger sluts than usual and Emmett gets even louder...yes that is possible. Jesus I sound like a grumpy old man, I decided to get alcohol...I knew that was my one way to survive this party.

**Bella Swan**

I had happily resigned to spend my weekend at home, I was in full cleaning my bedroom mode when I heard my dad chatting to someone and I knew that choral voice anywhere.

'Alice' I shouted down the stairs questionably.

'Yes Bella' she answered my question, I flew down the stairs to find her laughing with my dad, luckily Alice had the patience to put up with Charlie's ill advised jokes because I didn't.

'What are you doing here?' I asked knowing she had plans with secret boy this weekend.

'Change of plans, how do you fancy a party?' this was a request, a silent plea for me to accompany her.

Before I had even uttered the words yes, she had me upstairs throwing clothes at me, while also very noticeably tutting, at I guess my lack of fashion variety.

'I'm not sure Alice...I don't know if I'm in the mood' I complained, quite content to spend the night in.

'Please please please' she fell to her knees tugging on my hands 'I can't go without you'

I sighed, nodding a yes.

Eventually she forced me into a t-shirt and jeans combo, I secretly grabbed a hoody so I could cover up the less than favourable t-shirt she had chosen.

Jasper's birthday was not something I would usually celebrate; I was surprised to see Alice so keen on attending, he was more a friend of Emmett's. I had also noticed he was a friend to Edward, I was curious as to how they knew each other, part of me expected Edward to be more the lone and brooding type but I had caught him sitting with Jasper at lunch, seemingly looking so ordinary. From the outside the strange behaviour I had observed seemed outlandish, he was a good actor, or maybe I had spent too long theorising about him.

Emmett only lived round the corner, we walked over, the vibrations of music mounting every step, and I suddenly felt sorry for his poor neighbours who would have to endure Emmett's raucous rap all night.

Alice danced off as soon as she was inside, she promised to be back in a couple of minutes but I was dubious, Alice was naturally more sociable than me, once she got chatting there would be no dragging her away. I decided to find the only other person I really liked, Emmett. I scoured the crowd huddled by the makeshift dance floor, then what seemed to be the drinks and snacks region before spotting him and Rosalie making out on the sofa; suddenly I wasn't so keen on speaking to Emmett.

I watched everyone for a bit, the revolving door of Emmett's house seemed to welcome more and more people in. After spotting an inebriated Tanya coming my way, I decided it was best to make a quick escape, I figured drunk Tanya would be more malicious than her usual self. I was relieved this party was at Emmett's I could skulk up to his bedroom and wait till Alice was all mingled out.

Emmett had sectioned off upstairs with a piece of tape, but I ducked under, heading straight to his room. Shutting the noise behind the door; I plopped on the bed, comforted by finally being away from everyone. I left the lights off, flicking Emmett's table lamp on I searched the room for distractions.

Unexpectedly, I heard a chain flush, my head shot towards the bathroom unaware I wasn't alone, I eyed the door nervously. It swung open, doing up his belt buckle as he walked out, Edward Cullen emerged. His hair looking even more dishevelled than usual; he was too distracted by his unruly belt to notice me, it seemed like time dragged as I waited for him to look up. Eventually he tutted, giving up his eyes met mine.

'Bella' he stated surprised.

'Hello' I greeted timidly.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

I paused, thinking of an excuse before conceding with the truth 'escaping the party'

He chuckled 'don't blame you' I expected him to leave but he just stood there, looking awkwardly around the room, I waited picking at my fingernails hoping he would slip out but every glance up he was still standing there shuffling his feet.

'You should probably go...I mean Emmett catches you up here...it's a no go area' I joked

He sniggered 'are you the exception then'

'Oh' I blushed 'well I think Emmett can trust me not too trash his room'

He raised his eyebrows 'do I look like the room trashing type?'

I stuttered 'No no... I just mean' he held his hand up to silence me before saying 'I'm just kidding', I lived in perpetual fear that he was going to turn into the Mr Hyde of his personality.

He ran his fingers through his hair 'I was wondering about that' I glimpsed up confused feeling as if I had missed part of the conversation 'how you and Emmett are friends'

'We've been friends since we were young...I live round the corner' I explained.

'Oh but you're not friends with his bitch or Jaz'

'His bitch?' I questioned before giggling 'oh Rosalie' I suddenly realised.

He let out a laugh 'yea'

'If anything Emmett's her bitch' I joked.

He let out a deep throaty guffaw, eyeing me surprised 'ah man I'm going to have to use that one' he abruptly grabbed a glass full of clear liquid as he starting walking towards the bed, before seating himself on the edge away from me 'I think that might have made my night' there was a silence again, I was considering excuses for leaving when he continued 'so you do know them or not?'

'Not really, when we got into high school we just ran in different circles'

'So you just going to sit up here all night?' he questioned, I could feel his eyes on me.

'I guess, until Alice gets fed up' I shrugged.

He nodded, before running his hand through his hair 'do you want to do something?'

'Do something?' I questioned a little worried.

'Yea like make time go faster' he stated.

'No I'm all right' I shook my head, anxious as to what he was suggesting.

'Bella I just mean like watch a movie or something fuck I don't know' he shrugged agitated.

'Don't you want to go back to the party' I asked, wondering why Edward was suggesting watching a movie with me instead of partying like the rest of them.

'Fuck no' he chuckled before sighing 'I just don't think that I'm the partying type...hell I can't even seem to get wasted' he jolted up his glass spilling some on the bed, he glanced at me smiling 'that doesn't count as trashing the room'.

I giggled involuntarily 'don't worry I won't tell anybody'

'So it would seem' his face serious, I realised that comment applied to more than just his drink spillage, did he still not trust me?

**Edward Cullen**

All I could think of is 'These violent delights have violent ends', the violent ends not so surprising but the delights, they are so rare for me. That brief fleeting moment with Bella seemed so peaceful, in the silence she finally seemed calm, an odd infrequency when I had already accustomed myself to that terrified look she wore in my company. The same look I met when I walked out of the bathroom to see her sitting in the shadows of Emmett's blue room, her expectant face waiting for some sort of onslaught. I had sneaked up here to use the bathroom because no way in hell would I be sharing with thirty random fuckers, but I had been caught by the most unsuspecting person possible.

It would have made sense to leave her alone, I certainly wasn't the type of company she craved yet I did crave company, she didn't want to be downstairs with the other shits, there was only one other person that felt that way...me. There were moments when I contemplated that I had read her completely wrong, that joke about Emmett for instance nearly made me consider the thought that she wasn't that reserved, of course as soon as the notion entered my mind as if to prove me mistaken she went quiet on me again. She had seemed overly resistant to spending time with me reminding me at any chance that I shouldn't be in Emmett's room, I was at the point now where I just wanted to prove to her that I wasn't some violent crazy guy who screams at girls. Hard to prove when fifty percent of it is probably right.

My watch a movie idea seemed to have gone unnoticed, I decided to bring it up again if anything just to remove the grave silence that occupied the room. I strolled over to Emmett's extensive DVD collection, tracing my finger along them I wondered what films she liked, hoping she wasn't a chic flick kind of girl.

'Emmett has a lot of films' I said suggestively 'we could watch one' I eyed her biting her lip, did watching a fucking film with me really scare her.

'I guess' she shrugged her shoulders.

I glazed over the covers, before picking up Anchorman; I didn't even bother asking what she fancied watching because in truth she probably wanted me to just fuck off and leave her alone.

I joined her on the bed, chuckling at the way her body went rigid even though there was a palpable distance between us, I was torn between hating the fear she had towards me and then secretly finding it funny.

As time went on she relaxed, laughing recurrently at her muted volume, I couldn't help but watch the crease at the sides of her eyes tighten. Unexpectedly she glanced at me, noticing that I had begun to stare, the smile disappeared, replaced by that worried expression.

I smiled back 'Good choice then?'

'Oh yes' she nodded coyly.

'Bella are you scared of me?' I asked leaving all formality out the door, I was sick of wondering what kept her at such distance, what made her shiver when I simply spoke.

Her eyes widened, she had most likely believed she was doing a good job of covering that shit up 'scared?' she mumbled ' not scared, erm wary ' I rolled my eyes at her semantics, wary meant the same fucking thing as scared in my books.

'Because?' I waved my hand for an explanation.

'I never know when you're going to just' she paused considering her choice of words 'explode'

'Explode?' I burst out laughing.

She chuckled, the red appearing on her cheeks 'yea...like when one minute you are calm and then suddenly you explode with anger'

Huh, she had read me so right but yet so wrong, I was never calm before I exploded with anger, I had obviously hid the anxiety that preceded the fury better than I thought.

'I only got angry twice' I argued.

'Three, and in the space of two weeks' she disputed.

Shit, was she taking notes, three times in two weeks was fucking miraculous for me but I guess to Bella Swan I was pretty much a mass murderer.

'I'm working on it' I mumbled 'but you shouldn't worry, I'm not going to get angry with you'

'You have twice' she disagreed.

I laughed 'God Bella you're not going to forget this are you'

She blushed 'sorry I just remember it'

'That scary eh?' I chuckled.

'Yes' she hastily replied.

I really had left my mark; I stared at her surprised 'why?'

She bit her lip, glancing at me unsure 'Your eyes' she said almost incomprehensibly 'you get this dark look in them'

I had to resist the urge to laugh, I had considered my tone of voice, the fact I said fuck every third word, the fist clenches or even the weird leg twitching but my Goddamn eyes. She waited with baited breath for my reaction I could tell that much, I looked away from her preparing my best creepy eyes although I wasn't exactly sure how I did it. I spun to her looking as forceful as possible 'these eyes' I whispered sinisterly, her face suddenly froze up into terror before I burst into laughter. She looked at me incredulously before following my lead, her quiet embarrassed giggles gloriously relaxed.

I moved my head near to her with my eerie eyes burning into her again calling 'Bella' she threw her hands over her eyes 'stop it' she giggled.

'Okay Okay I'll stop it' I chuckled but as soon as she had cautiously removed her hands I replaced the peculiar appearance which so amusingly scared her, causing her to once again hide her eyes and jokingly scream 'Edward stop!'

Before I could reassure her I would stop, the words 'what the fuck?' roared into the room, turning to see Emmett standing at the door almost gnashing his teeth at me 'are you fucking kidding me?' he bellowed.

I got up off the bed and mumbled mostly to myself 'for fucks sake' before Emmett started demanding 'what the fuck? I let you into my house and you're still an asshole'

I sighed knowing I was about to enter a battle zone 'let me? I didn't ask for your permission' I disputed.

'I warned you Cullen, I asked you to stay away from Bella but you got a thing for scaring girl's right'

'Emmett he was joking' I heard Bella call from behind me still sat on the bed.

'She doesn't need another dick frightening her' Yelled Emmett, a little fucking unnecessary seeing as we were pretty much face to face now.

I rolled my eyes 'all right Emmett, why don't you chill and find out your details before you burst a blood vessel in one of those unreasonably beefy arms'

'Fuck you!' he roared, 'I know all about Bella and all about you, I was there when you went crazy on her ass remember'

Shit, there were certain things that pushed me over the edge and Emmett always seemed to know what they were, I clenched my fist and before I knew it, my hand was meeting his lip. He didn't even pause to feel its full effect before his hand had simultaneously met my jaw. Without time for either of us to build up into a brawl Rosalie had grabbed Emmett and was shouting all sorts of crap which didn't even register, I was too busy urging myself to calm the fuck down so that I didn't aim behind Rosalie.

'Get the fuck out of my house' I heard him snarl through his nose as he tried himself to calm his shit.

'Gladly' I fumed, turning to the bed I searched confused to find Bella had disappeared, my eyes wandered around Emmett's room but she was gone.

'Bella left when you two dicks were throwing your handbags at each other' Rosalie spat sharply.

I rolled my eyes at her, passing the two of them I left sending a message to Jazz to find his own lift home; I was too fuming to explain this shit to him now. Emmett the interfering bastard has caused me to lose my shit again and I am pretty sure I just secured Bella's opinion that I was a crazy violent dick, not to mention that the count would now be four screws ups in two weeks...shit.


	7. Chapter 7: Unafraid

**A/N hmm a bit long and dramatic but I swear there will be romance soon**

**Deviant-chaos-order**

_**Unafraid**_

**Bella Swan**

I couldn't decide who I was more livid with, Edward owed me nothing yet he had fooled me into sitting with him, letting me be carefree while I laughed with him when all along he was still the frustratingly angry enigma that I knew he was, I mentally scolded myself for being such an idiot.

Emmett though, my friend had revealed unknowingly that he was betraying me at every junction, warning people not to talk to me, like I was some unstable delicate flower. Whether it was in good will or not, he knew the last thing I needed was everyone thinking they better avoid the unhinged girl.

When Edward's hand lashed out, I decided I was not sticking around to witness their childish argument, neither of them knew each other but they both clung onto some pathetic disagreement.

I threw my arms to my side and stormed out of the room, I flew down the stairs until I met the doorway and I was gone. The bitter air hit my scorched cheeks, before I could register how cold it was out here tonight. I scrunched down my eyes, forcing my angry tears away rejecting the emotions that bubbled in me. My livid strop had brought me to the next street before I felt the back's of my legs tense up from the intensity of my stride. I perched on somebody's wall catching my breath and stretching my legs while realising that I had left Alice at Emmett's. I rang her, giving the excuse that I didn't feel well, but she wasn't fazed explaining she had already found a lift home from someone.

Charlie stared at me confused when I slammed the door behind me, 'Where's Alice?' he asked, I huffed realising my hope that he had gone to bed was unfulfilled. 'dad I'm going to sleep' I stated while heading for the stairs but of course he didn't let it go 'Bella, where's Alice?' argh why couldn't he just let me be 'she's not staying over' I yelled before disappearing into my room, I threw my clothes off pulling on some pyjama bottoms, I slid into bed pulling the covers over my head I strained myself into sleep.

Sunday, seemed to be a fallout of the night before, my dad quizzed me on the party trying his best to seem uninterested when I knew in reality he was being nosey. Alice rang to see if I was okay while also needing an outlet for gossip, I listened pretending to be consumed but really I had had my fill of Emmett's party, my night so disastrously pointless that I was ready to forget it. Emmett also tried to catch up with me but I had forced my dad to screen an excuse, not yet willing to facade a happy response. I wouldn't bother telling him he had upset me, Emmet was so obtuse he wouldn't understand the problem.

I woke Monday morning to the familiar smell of bacon, my dad knew how to cook bacon at least, I pulled my cardigan on feeling the cold air hit me as soon as I left the warm coven my duvet provided. My entrance into the kitchen perfectly in correlation to the popping of the toast from the toaster, as my dad greeted me with a 'Morning'.

Over our silent munching, I finished off my English homework, considering tonight's dinner, I was just about to broach the subject when my dad interrupted.

'A car has just parked out there' he was staring out of the window still crunching down on his toast 'is it someone for you'

'No, why would it be for me' I stood up and crossed over to the window, to my horror I recognised the shiny silver car 'What is he doing here' I exclaimed aloud.

'Who?' asked my dad, his nosey self rearing its ugly head again.

I fumbled for words, 'he is a friend of Emmett's' the statement would have been ridiculously funny if I wasn't apprehensively watching Edward Cullen get out of his car. I couldn't fathom any reason why he would be outside my house, I tried to deny any concern that he was purposely here because this was my house...no this was a freakish coincidence.

'What's he doing here?' asked my dad while inspecting him from the window, his eyebrows rising as he watched Edward, who walked around the car rubbing his thumb over the scrutinized paintwork. I kept silent mesmerized myself, watching him as he studied every inch of his car, as if searching for something specific.

Just as I had feared, his eyes left the car and were now focused on our front door as he approached our house, I gasped and my dad eyed me suspiciously.

I ran to the door, yanking it open I almost fell straight into the statue like Edward, his finger hovering above the bell, his face a little taken aback by the overwrought me.

'Morning' he grinned.

'What are you doing here?' I shouted closing the door behind me, he backed up.

'Lift?' he questioned, the grin falling slightly.

'No, no lifts go away' I whispered, winding my head round the corner to see if my dad was still watching from the window.

Edward's grin had completely gone now, his face confused, I was too distracted by my dad's observance to worry about Edwards flaring temper.

'But you said you didn't like walking in fork's weather' he stated, recalling my appreciation the first time he had taken me home.

'I walk with Emmett' I said sharply 'remember him' I don't know why I was being so bolshie all of a sudden, especially with Edward who scared the heck out of me usually.

He stood there slightly stunned, as was I before replying 'Yeah, about that'

'It doesn't matter' I cut him off rudely 'can you just go'

He noticed my weariness as I searched for Charlie's watchful eye 'are you not allowed to speak or something?' he wondered following my eye to see what I was looking for.

'No, I mean yes...look I don't need a lift' then I heard it 'hello' my dad's voice rang past my ear as his head peeked past mine, he held out his hand for some kind of gentleman's shake, Edward stared at it intently deciding something before it cupped my dad's 'nice to meet you' he smiled.

'Bella tells me you are a friend of Emmett's' resounded my dad, giving away my carefully considered lie.

Edward smirked glancing at me 'yes me and Emmett have a lot in common'

'Nice car' coughed my dad, admiring it from the porch.

'Yes I was thinking I could give Bella a lift' hoped Edward; I glared at him annoyed by his disregard of what I wanted.

'Oh that's nice' chimed my dad, he reached behind me, picking up my schoolbag, he ever so helpfully handed it to me.

'I don't want a lift' I said through gritted teeth, faking my best indignant stance.

'Do you want frostbite because I'm freezing my b...' Edward stalled glancing at my dad 'brain off' a smile creeping up on his face.

'She's always moaning about being cold' grinned my dad uselessly 'what's wrong Bella?'

Huffing in response, I snatched the bag out of my dad's hand; flying down the stairs past Edward who stood smirking at my dad's side until I was standing outside his car door.

**Edward Cullen**

It was kind of cute, watching her all flutteringly irate, she was actually going to be angry with me, or try to be at least. At first I was truly apprehensive when she snapped, but then she has that unsure look, not quite confident enough to tell me to piss the hell off. Bella didn't know that simply asking me to leave her wasn't going to be enough and this feisty Bella just had me more intrigued.

I pretty much slept through Sunday, after leaving Emmett's I was too pissed off to go home and act normal, if Carlisle saw me, he would have known, he was used to my shit. I decided against radical methods of chilling out seeing as my last attempt had been so fatal, my dealer would satisfy this anxiety tonight. After smoking a good part of a bag, I drove round the vacant night streets relaxing with my music, I could feel every bit of tension releasing, Emmett becoming an unknown.

Monday morning I already knew I was going to pick her up, Saturday I had nearly cracked through, come close to dissolving the things she thought she knew about me, of course at the same time I had confirmed them but for some reason I was eager to try again.

Her stroppy stride to my car made me laugh; she was trying so hard to be a firecracker, letting me know that she wouldn't happily give in to me.

I jogged over to the car 'doors open' I smirked at her arms folded position, she blushed and I knew I still had her. She slammed the door behind her, but as soon as she heard the bang radiate she looked at me cautiously, like a child waiting for a rebuke. I pretended to ignore it, starting the car we sped off towards school but I knew a long way which would give me more time.

'How was your Sunday?' I began.

'Fine' she mumbled, her face screwed up, I waited but no that was all she was going to offer.

'You have quite the temper today Bella' I spoke as seriously as possible trying desperately to hide the smirk.

She was silent, so I glanced at her to find her staring at me disbelievingly, her mouth gawping, I nearly burst out laughing then but suppressed it 'you don't think?' I asked playing stupid.

'Me!' she exclaimed, her usual meek voice bursting to be heard 'I have a temper!' she almost shouted incredulous.

'Yes, that's what I said' I patronisingly held.

'Oh my God Edward, this coming from the person who has an argument every five minutes' she yelled, her beetroot cheeks giving away her frustration.

'There you go again, getting all irate' I smirked not able to stifle it any longer.

A flicker of intense rage came across her face before she turned her head to look out of the window away from me, now it was her that was suppressing something, most likely the urge to smack me across the fucking face.

I left it for a bit, let her simmer down before the silence was too much and we were getting close to school 'So where shall we meet after school?'

Her eyes shot towards me 'what?' she asked her eyes wide.

'Lift home?' I invited but I could tell I had done little to win her round in this car journey, in fact she was hating me more, it was just too damn irresistible to rile her. I enjoyed watching that fucking cute frustrated Bella who I waited urgently for the moment when she would just kick me in the ball's for being such a dick. Maybe she never would, I didn't understand why I cared so fucking much about changing her mind about me, I didn't like that some unfortunate girl was scared of me. To finally see her show a bit of spunk made me contented for some reason.

We pulled up to school, I beeped several people out of the road as we found a parking spot, she tooted in disapproval of my rudeness I guess, but that only made me do it more. As soon as I turned off the engine she flung the door open to escape but in true Bella style she caught her foot and spluttered to the ground, her hands flew out in front to catch herself. As soon as I saw that she was steady on the floor, I couldn't hold it in; I burst into boom laughter.

She lifted her head to see me holding my stomach as I chortled, the red on her poor shameful cheeks rising before she shouted 'It's not funny, I've hurt myself' her hands were covered in scratches where the gravel had broke the skin; as she tried to pull herself up.

I came towards her feeling a little guilty for laughing at her, I held my hand out 'Come here' she batted my hand away replying 'Go away'.

I folded my arms as I towered over her, staring while she collected herself together and began walking away, rubbing her bleeding swollen hands, I followed of course.

'It's not my fault you fell out of the car' I lectured.

'No but you had to laugh at me' She continued still reeling from the embarrassment; kids were gawking at her with smirks and giggles.

I grabbed her bag which she was struggling to carry not waiting to ask, 'only because you were being so stubborn trying to get away from me' I disagreed, watching her as she dabbed at her swollen hand 'give it here' I ordered, grabbing her wrist, I blew on the grazed bloody mess.

She watched me; with that same pissed off expression before hastily pulling her hand back 'I have English' she spoke roughly, snatching her bag out of my hand.

'Can I take you home later?' I requested, pretty sure I knew the answer.

'No Edward' she snapped even sharper than I expected 'leave me alone' she demanded before pausing, worry on her face she decided she better add something 'please. Just leave me alone' a pleading tone told me she was completely serious, this wasn't just a fact of being a little annoyed, she was begging me to leave her the fuck alone and suddenly I felt like a stalker dick.

'Okay' I mumbled a little stunned; I thought we were kidding around.

Maybe I just wouldn't be able to change her mind, her opinions were just to set in stone.

**Bella swan**

The teacher noticed my grazed hands and asked me if I wanted to get them seen to but I refused, they throbbed all through and I couldn't concentrate on Wuthering heights. who the hell laughs at someone when they fall over? Edward Cullen, who seemed to think I was hilarious, God he was frustrating, I could feel every bit of my face red raw from rage. I hid it well but the whole time I wanted to explode, normally I would have been fine, I was used to being teased but I still held the resentment after Saturday. I would not allow Edward to fool me again, I knew who he really was underneath all his joking around, he was angry and violent and I didn't want either in my life.

I trudged along to Art after English, I was ashamed to still be thinking about him; I purposely clicked it out of my head and started up a conversation with Mike.

'So how's the alien thing going?' I was afraid to say I still had got no further with my own piece and it seemed I wasn't the only one to notice.

'Bella Swan finally decided to dedicate some of your precious time to art' bellowed an all too familiar voice from behind me; I spun round to see Mr Harding standing with his hands folded.

'Yeah' I coyly smiled.

'Did we not talk about extracurricular art' he continued.

'Yes I'm sorry I' I fumbled for an excuse when really I just had lost all motivation.

'Don't say sorry to me Bella I passed my exams I did my degree, I don't need you to pass'

'Yeah' I frowned facing the table; I actually liked Mr Harding, despite all his badgering I didn't want him to give up on me. Then I felt his hand on my shoulder 'but I would hate to see you fail when I know how talented you could be' I looked up to his comforting smile.

'Yea, me too' I agreed

'Okay then so twice afterschool this week sometime' there was no escaping it, no matter how much I hated the prospect of after school art; I was going to fail without it and decided that I might as well start tonight. It cheered Mr Harding up no end, I think he believed he had stirred up some fresh enthusiasm in me when in reality I dreaded every minute.

By the time I got to lunch Alice was already waiting along with Emmett, Alice was sharing out a pack of jelly beans, arguing over flavours.

'Where were you this morning? I waited outside' complained Emmett.

I had to think for a minute, there were too many questions if I told them the real reason they didn't see me this morning and I was in no way ready to tell them about the new annoyance in my life.

'Err my dad dropped me' I answered.

'How come?' he persisted.

I shrugged in response before trying to change subject 'did anyone finish the history'

'What happened to your hands?' asked Emmett defensively, why did he have to be so observant?

'I fell over, I was erm taking out the rubbish and fell' I lied

'They look pretty fresh' he pushed

'Well they're not' I glared at him, hoping he would back off.

He seemed to take the hint, throwing a handful of jelly beans in his mouth and shrugging.

'How's the secret guy Al' I enquired

'Oh we are getting very close' Emmett snorted, causing Alice to throw a jelly bean at his head it pinged off his forehead 'Shut up' she shouted.

He rubbed his forehead but was clever enough not to say anything more so she continued 'he's taking me out on a date'

'Ooh will I be able to meet him soon' I asked, faking cheeriness.

'Maybe you already have' she smirked, taking a swig of orange soda.

I eyed her but knew she wouldn't give up any more details until she was sure they were into it. I nodded along as she discussed her busy weekend, all the girlish problems of what she should wear, and what they would do, how many hours they had before she would be drawn apart from him again. I wished I could understand that kind of obsessive infatuation with someone, I was pretty sure that when I found a boyfriend I would never fall that head over heels. I cherished all the love stories from the past where a heroine is swept away by some gorgeous man but in real life there was no Mr Darcy.

We split up, I had Maths dread but for the first time in my life Maths flew by, I was asked one question which I answered instantaneously feeling quite proud of myself I nearly turned round and stuck my tongue out to Tanya before remembering she would only hound me more, besides it was more gracious to silently cheer.

I was so cheery, I had almost felt stupid for being so angry with Edward this morning, my little maths triumphant made the whole weekend seem unimportant. I decided I would talk to him 'You know I was still waiting for a paper ball to hit my head' I joked as he walked passed my table, I was expecting some funny remark but he simply walked past me as if he hadn't heard a word. He must have heard me, but the blank cold expression as he strode past seemed so dead. I couldn't understand it unless he thought I was addressing someone else. It was the Bitter Edward, who seemed so much icier now that I had seen his warmth.

Mr Harding was waiting for me at quarter past three, several books spread across the table

'Okay Miss Swan today we are going to decide on a theme, take a seat' he took me through a million different themes all of them absurdly hard and abstract, I repeatedly refused until his patience wore thin 'Bella pick one, we are running out of time, you have a whole project to create'

By six o'clock unbelievably Mr Harding had to ask me to leave so he could shut up, I was strangely enthusiastic now that I had a focus. I agreed to come back Thursday and that I would work on it at home and I wasn't even lying. It was such a relief to not have to worry about it anymore.

The playground was dark now, an odd feeling standing under the night sky while still at school and the eerie emptiness, I could actually walk across the field without worrying about a ball hitting me, there were a few classrooms still lit up, teachers marking their workloads no doubt. I had to collect my bag which I stored under the science block, so that Alice could copy my History work before she left. I went up the Maths block, I saw a guy on the stairs, I had no idea what his name was, he was one of those expendables, someone in your year you didn't notice because they weren't in your circle of friends but neither were they someone you hated. He smiled as I passed him which I friendlily returned, I hadn't really thought anything of it but he then spoke.

'Where you off to? He asked smiling widely.

'Err home' I nervously giggled.

'Want to come home with me' he sniggered.

I wasn't sure whether he was actually joking, just some jerk joking or was there a reason I didn't recognise him?

I Just giggled and carried on making a break for the door, I thought I would probably be embarrassed later by the fear bubbling up inside me but then hastily I felt his hand grip my arm, I looked up to meet his eyes hoping I had just dropped something but the childish smirk on his face had now turned sinister.

'What are you doing?' I questioned.

'Beautiful hair' he murmured rubbing his face against my scalp.

'Ew get the hell of me' I squirmed trying to wriggle free from his grasp but it suddenly became tighter under his large hands.

'Come here' his face all of a sudden descended towards me, he was aiming to kiss me, I twisted in horror, the realisation that this man was attacking me made me fall to the ground but he spied his opportunity and threw his body on top of me.

That's when the screaming started, uncontrollable shrieks from my lungs hoping he would scare off but he didn't even try to cover my mouth, he was intent on kissing me as he repeatedly lunged forward. I threw my hands in front of my face and began kicking my legs out, I could feel them repetitively striking his body but I daren't look instead blindly stuck in a wild kicking motion. Then I heard a voice, it was too muffled to understand in my wild fury, I should have felt relief but I wasn't convinced that this was safety, I was actually terrified that this was it, his friend had come along and now I stood no chance. I scrunched up my eyes under my hands; I could feel tears beneath my lids, my voice cracked and raw, and my exhausted legs still kicking out unable to give up. He grabbed my arms pulling on my wrists but I forcefully held onto my forehead, terrified to look into the strange mans menacing face. Then I heard my name, a soft voice close to my ear, at the moment I burst into hysterical tears unable to be sure whether I was imagining the kind voice humming in my ear but the hands pulling my wrists were not forceful, they were gently coaxing me before they released me and moved their hands to my head stroking my hair then again the temperate voice purred 'Bella, stop'. I gradually slowed my movements, curling my legs into a ball against my chest so that I could concentrate on the voice but I was ready to start kicking again at any minute. They moved their hands back to my wrists 'Hey its okay' he whispered I could tell it was a man for definite but it wasn't the hoarse voice of my attacker, he pulled again to release my hands but I was petrified of finding it was still them tricking me. His thumbs began tracing my forearm 'shhh' he hushed and I felt his hot breath against my hands, I was still sobbing frenziedly but his touch was somehow comforting. I was beginning to realise that nobody as rough as that attacker could be as gentle as this man was with me now. I followed his tender tug and slowly began moving my hands away from my face, he still held onto them pulling them down as if he was helping me lift them. My eyes still stayed tightly shut, every effort into scrunching them closed it hurt my face and I could feel an instantaneous headache coming on. Still holding my hands, he lifted one hand and rubbed my eyelids with his thumb 'Bella, open your eyes' the same warm cotton voice lulling me to comfort. It worked, his trusting temperament convinced me and I peeked from the slits in my eyes but the cloudy watermarks obscured my view, I blinked before opening my eyes fully to see him. My whole body went limp as if I might faint, my heart unclenched as I dropped my head gasping for air.


	8. Chapter 8: Blindsided

**A/N you have probably forgotten about this story... I took so long...hope you have not deserted it completely. Please review if you read Thank you.**

**Deviant-chaos-order**

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Blindsided

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**Bella swan**

My breath came in hitches 'I am never afraid of what I know', now I knew I was safe. I knew it was over but yet I could not calm the effects of the fear. I wrestled with the reality but the shock overwhelmed me.

It was Edward I was safe I kept telling myself, as I wept. He lifted my head up and looked into my damp eyes 'Bella calm down' I couldn't speak, the hysterics wouldn't surrender as I kept convulsing with relief and terror. I just about could see his face through my blurry vision, gazing back into my eyes; I couldn't imagine the image I was reflecting.

Abruptly he threw his arms around me and pulled me into his chest 'breathe' he stammered, I think I was freaking him out, I wanted to say it was okay, that I was okay but my body wouldn't allow it.

It took time but I slowly could feel myself changing, I was calming. I had closed my eyes and lay in his arms trying my best to regulate my breathing, eventually I gave up on trying to seem sane and just slowly let my body relax at its own pace. He didn't say anything but his arms stayed tight around my shoulders.

Eventually I managed words 'I think I'm okay' I whispered into his chest.

He released me slightly, just enough for me look back into his face, he watched my eyes, I now noticed the panicked expression on his face but it soon went soft once he saw that I was back to normal.

'Are you hurt?' he asked looking me up and down.

'No, I'm fine' I reassured, I wasn't fine I just had the shock of my life but I was now desperate to get home and lie in bed. I was mentally and physically exhausted 'will you take me home?' I begged.

'Of course' he ran his hand down my cheek I shivered at his touch; his eyes were still weary of me expectant that I might fall back into hysteria.

I stood up, slightly unsteady on my feet he secured me 'wow easy there'.

We didn't talk on the way to his car but he watched me constantly. As soon as we were inside he turned up his heating and asked me if I was okay again to which I nodded.

'What happened to that guy?' I questioned, noticing that my voice was unusually shaky.

'Oh, well I scared him off but I got a good look so we can report him'

'No' I objected rapidly.

Edward threw his head towards me confused 'Please I don't want anyone to know' I pleaded.

'Bella you got attacked, you're a state' he urged, I didn't think I still looked that bad.

'Please Edward, I just want to forget it...if Emmett and Charlie find out it will just be all this drama and I can't do it' my voice broke.

'Okay' he said hesitantly fearful I would break out into tears again, to which I very nearly was.

I gathered myself back together, ironing out the crack in my throat 'Thank you' I replied 'for helping me back there'

He laughed quietly 'well I would hardly leave you' then he went serious again 'what happened?'

'I don't know, he just appeared and then it was so fast' I covered my face again the memory haunting me, the man's face luring towards me.

'Hey' he held my wrist like before while trying to steer the wheel 'don't talk about it'.

I closed my eyes and lent my face against his chair, I must have fallen asleep because his warm hand stroked my cheek again as he hummed my name 'Bella'. We were parked outside my dark lightless house 'is your dad home?' he asked.

'I don't know but you said you wouldn't tell anyone' I cried alarmed.

'And I'm not going too but I'm worried about you being home alone right now' he reassured 'I'll walk you in okay?' I nodded letting him follow behind, I could tell my dad wasn't home, unlike normal parents I was the one encouraging him to turn the lights off to save electricity.

I went straight into the living room while Edward disappeared into the kitchen, before long he was back with a glass of water; he sat down next to me while I sipped at the glass to pacify him.

'I'm okay you know' I tried to assure.

'Of course you are' he grinned 'no idea where your dad is?'

'No but you can go if you have plans' I said worried that my episode was keeping him from something. I was also slightly embarrassed by my house; his eyes would wander inspecting my living room. The same 10 year old wall paper and unmatched chairs showing us to be a little pokey.

'Shut up will you' he moaned.

There was a slight silence before I thought of something to say

'So I talked to you today and it seemed liked you ignored me' I said bit by bit nervous that he simply hadn't heard me and I had made something out of nothing.

'Yeah I know' he looked at my face dead pan 'you asked me to ignore you' he stated.

'Oh I didn't realise you would go as far as to actually ignore me' I mumbled.

'Bella what did you expect, your exact words were leave me alone' he said bitterly.

'Yeah I know but' I began to dispute.

'And you know what pisses me of' oh god I had unleashed the Hyde 'I was taking you to school, trying to joke around with you'

'Yeah and being a jerk about it as usual' I argued when really I should have learnt to shut up.

'Oh God I'm wasting my time, you're so stuck in all your stupid assumptions about me'

'Assumptions? They're not assumptions Edward, they're fact, you punched Emmett in the face I saw that with my own eyes' I disagreed.

He jumped to his feet 'he punched me in the face...You don't tell him to fuck off!' he yelled

'Emmett is my best friend...you're just' I shouted back.

'The schmuck who saved you from a maniac' he interrupted

I bit my lip 'you can just go' I whispered.

'No, I'm not' he said firmly sitting back down, I folded my arms and looked away from him in disagreement.

There was a long silence; I wished I had put the television on so at least there was a noise that made the moment less awkward. Then my redeemer arrived home as I heard the key in the lock, my dad called me 'honey' I stood up to meet him, he eyed up Edward though and a confused expression covered the smile.

'Edward?' he said, remembering him from this morning.

'Hi, I just gave Bella a lift home' claimed Edward.

'Just now' he said glancing at his wristwatch.

'Yea' I interrupted 'I stayed for art and Edward offered me a lift'

'I had football practice' held Edward, his mouth pressed into a hard line.

'Oh that's handy' chirped my dad 'you want to stay for some food?'

'No I have to be going' he didn't look back at me as he strode out the door but his voice was thick with the antagonism he held towards my ingratitude.

'How do you know him again' asked my dad while removing a slice of pizza from the takeout box.

'I'll be right back dad' I don't know why but I didn't want that to be how I left things after all Edward had saved me from a crazy man, taken me home and promised to keep it all a secret, I guess I felt guilty for my angry tirade.

'Edward' I called, he was already sitting in his car but he flung the door open after seeing me, I dashed down with no idea what I was going to say.

He stared at me waiting 'I'm sorry' I began a little breathless 'I don't think I've been completely grateful'.

He stepped out of his car, face to face with me, his features still filled with dark edward 'You know that's not why I'm pissed' he scolded.

'Why then?' I asked

He sighed 'Because Bella, I can't do anything right, fuck I'm trying really hard here' he tangled his fingers in his hair in frustration while I just stood there not sure of how to continue 'It doesn't matter; I just thought I might have changed your mind' he mumbled.

'What do you mean?' I asked a little confused by the gloomy state he had suddenly taken.

'I have a temper...I have problems...I don't know if I can change that' he groaned, shaking his head.

Edward had actually been trying to prove something to me I think. I suddenly felt awful because I couldn't help reminding him of his temper. I didn't imagine he cared about his rage but now I saw some sort of self deprecation.

'Can you pick me up tomorrow? I asked realising that when he offered to take me home today, he was trying to be a good guy, trying to show me he wasn't the violent angry jerk; I had thrown that in his face.

He looked at me questionably 'Bella you don't have to...' I interrupted him 'please...I want a lift'

**Edward** **Cullen**

I had been pissy all day, I couldn't find a way to chill out, every lesson was a struggle, and I already knew I was going to break before it happened. The day had been a slow built up, warning me that it was inevitable and because I couldn't work out what had got me so anxious I couldn't stop it.

P.E was hardly a lesson I enjoyed anyway, there was too little structure so my concentration techniques wouldn't work here. Hockey was the sport of the day. Not such a good idea to give me a stick and ask me too aggressively steal the puck from someone, especially when I was feeling this volatile. I decided that I would be as unobjective as possible by watching from the sidelines, I couldn't fuck up if I didn't participate. Though watching I noticed guys took this game fucking seriously. Maybe this sport was actually for me, even Mike Newton who I had noticed to be a bit of a fruit usually, shoved his stick into Emmett's shoulder, and nobody seemed to give a crap, it looked fucking painful as well.

Mr Baker called me into play and I quickly learned that I had developed more of a reputation than I realised, kids gawking at me like a monster had been asked to play. I didn't understand their expressions, whether it was fear or wonderment. One thing I did know very quickly was that Hockey was not the game for me after all. I hadn't accounted for the dirt, as I went in for a snatch my foot slid beneath the sludge and I met the floor. I usually wasn't that bad with being clean but I guess my mood and the overt amount of mud on my clothes made me freak and I knew I needed to clean up speedily.

I threw my hockey stick to the floor, slightly disappointed that I couldn't participate in some harmless violence.

'Cullen!' Baker threw up his hands as I departed 'where you going?'

'I'm done' I said not bothering to turn back to him.

'This isn't optional Cullen' he shouted sarcastically.

'It is for me' I exclaimed before disappearing, I could still here him shouting as I turned the corner but my only thought was get this shit off me.

I didn't even throw my sweats off, leaping into the hot shower, I breathed in the steam. The water was almost scalding but I couldn't deny how quickly it relaxed me. Water seemed to have some sort of fucking magical effect on me, took every anxiety and washed it the hell away. I stripped my sweats, watching as the stream of dirt disappeared into the plug hole.

Just as I had finished showering, the class returned along with a very pissed off teacher, I was called promptly into his office so that he could publically punish me, hoping he might restore some respect and regain his balls. Detention, my first one I had decided attending was best if I wanted to keep daddy Cullen none the wiser.

When I returned, I had the same bemused looks from my class, suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and horrible déjà vu feeling seemed to be creeping up.

'Dude, I've never seen anyone speak to Baker like that...awesome!' Ben Chesney stood in front of me his hand raised up for a high five, I nodded in response smirking.

'Yeah man' backed up Tyler Crowley as he did up his shirt 'he nearly shit a brick'

'Is it true you hit Emmett as well?' I heard from behind me. Jesus I had my very own fan club here. I chuckled at my own irrational fear, earlier I had assumed they were staring at me because they knew I was messed up. Really I had developed a reputation for being the guy who told teachers to fuck off.

I sat with them at lunch; I was making a conscious effort to stay away from Emmett. I didn't care whether we kicked the living shits out of each other but everyone else did. I was mostly doing it for Jasper who capriciously blamed me and therefore asked me to chill the fuck out with whatever grudge we had going on. Truthfully I didn't understand what our problem was, except that Emmett was a hasty motherfucker who knew how piss me off. Either way a lunch away from that table seemed best, I had a feeling we needed more than a weekend before we could return to our fake smiley ignore each other crap.

These guys weren't too bad but at the same time I knew they weren't my type of friends. They had a constant happy go lucky temperament that never made sense to me. Plus we had little in common, I found myself sitting in silence observing their carefree chatter. My mind halfway in a whole different place.

'Prom might be cool this year' suggested Mike Newton who had joined us, spinning his bottle lid.

'Got to be better than last year' huffed Eric 'you going to actually take a date this year then Mike?' he scoffed and the table joined him in some unknown joke.

'Shut up man' mike yelled elbowing Eric 'I had a date'

'Yeah but did she know that?' piped up Ben and once again an eruption of laughs boomed round the table.

'Well, I'll make sure Bella knows when I ask her' he interjected.

'Bella?' questioned Tyler, his eyebrow rising slightly.

Mike responded with a nod a little unsure of something.

'Have you asked permission from daddy Emmett?' continued Tyler sceptically.

I eyed Tyler realising that I wasn't the only guy he had warned off.

'Yeah what's up with that?' I questioned.

'Something happened to Bella a couple months back, now Emmett thinks he's her bodyguard or something' explained Mike bitterly.

'What happened?' I asked surprised with this new revelation.

'Dunno' shrugged mike 'she was gone for like couple weeks when she came back, the whole school was told to be respectful and shit'

'She seems fine to me' held Tyler.

'Nah...She's like a hermit now...I don't think her dad lets her out' disagreed Ben.

'Might have to take someone else Mike' suggested Eric, they all fell into the subject of possible dates and I could tell the subject of Bella was off the table. The only thing I found myself interested in, I had been purposely trying to not think of that one person. I infuriated myself with how much I wanted to change her mind and how much I knew it was a wasted fucking cause. Point blank she had told me to leave her the fuck alone and I knew I was going to this time. After all how could I change anything she believed if I believed them myself?

Detention was a waste of time, I was told to sit there and consider my attitude because there is no fucking work in PE. Running around the field would have been better than sitting on my ass staring at the walls; it was like a lesson on how to get me acting up. Luckily I contained myself in time for release.

I fled the room bolting out the fire escape stairs, I was sure I heard a scream. I paused, my hand grabbing the banister I listened wondering if I had began hallucinating but just as I took a second step the shrieks blare. A high pitched female scream that I knew not even I could make up. I turned on myself, returning to the block I followed to the second lot of stairs.

I flung open the door not prepared for what I would meet. Bella, the girl who had seemed to occupy my mind all day, her hands spread across her face yet I still knew it was her. Her whole body ricocheting, against some guy who pinned his body forcefully against her.

I stood incomprehensible before the heat came. Boiling fury overwhelming me as it so often did, I shook not quite sure of what to do before I charged at him. I sent him flying on to his back, his own shock kept him motionless, giving me time to knock my fist into his nose. The blood pulsed from his now purple tip; he stumbled to his feet juddering. I watched him stagger away catching the crimson as it dripped down his front all the time checking that I wasn't following.

As soon as he was out of sight I could take her in, she kicked relentlessly despite there no longer being an attacker. God it was a horrible sight. The all quite non consuming Bella, wild and frantic. I needed her to know it was over, that she was safe. I grabbed her wrists wanting her to see me but she would not stop. Words whispering as close to her ears. I had no idea what I was doing, all I knew that I was desperate to help her. Desperate to take it away.

She slowed her movements, before finally releasing her hands.

My stomach dropped to see her, her cheeks raw scarlet and tear stained. The hesitant look in her eyes even when she looked at me. Her whole body still trembling, she seemed half a mile away. It felt instinctive, the only thing I wanted to do. I threw my arms around her pulling her slight body into my lap; she gave no resistance, no sign that she even registered me.

She lay static, I nestled my face into her hair realising that she showed no sign of moving any time soon. I could smell her, the comforting scent of her shampoo. I rarely found it in me to touch people, being this close to a stranger was unworldly for me. I had expected myself to feel the impulse to pull away however instead I felt so strangely reassured. When I fucked a girl, It was never some intimate thing, it was an in and out job. Esme always wanted to hug me yet I would shrug her off before shouting at her because she knew better. In this moment I did not want to let go, the chance to feel someone and not care that I might be contaminate them or they me. It felt so freeing.

Eventually she did pull away; I searched her features, a little bit of me hoping she wasn't recovered so that I could pull her back to me. She was considerably better though, her voice gave away some fear but that was to be expected.

She fell asleep in the car, her face calm and serene such a polar opposite was nice to see. She had begged me to not tell anyone about this attack. I agreed but only to pacify her in truth I wasn't so sure if I could keep such a promise. If something had happened to her as my new found buddies this afternoon suggested, then maybe I should tell Emmett. I didn't know what she had been through.

As we pulled up to her house, the dark shadows cast over it told me she was probably home alone, not a good idea.

I stroked my hand across her cheek, just enjoying being able to so relaxingly touch someone. Her eyes fluttered open and she agreed I could come inside.

She kept asking me to leave, I hoped it wasn't because she genuinely wanted me to go. Then she spoke and brought me back to reality.

'So I talked to you today and it seemed liked you ignored me' she said slowly.

Recalling Maths earlier she had spoken to me but I purposely ignore her. I had realised that the reason I was facing detention was because Bella had pissed me off. I had been pissy all day because of her and now she was going to try and talk to me. 'Yeah I know you asked me to ignore you' I stated the obvious.

'Oh I didn't realise you would go as far as to actually ignore me' she mumbled, fidgeting with her hands.

'Bella what did you expect, your exact words were leave me alone' i said bitterly annoyed by this apparent naivety she was trying to play.

'Yeah I know but' I began to dispute.

It was at that moment that I should have shut the fuck up and just left it. She had just had the worst night of her life probably yet me the insensitive bastard had to prattle on about myself and how I felt. In the heat of the moment though I could not stop myself, I was pissed off because she never gave me the time of day. What did I have to do to prove myself and why was I so adamant that I should.

Either way I stormed out of her house as soon as her dad relived me of my duties. Even though the whole thing had never felt like a duty, for once I felt like I wasn't a useless dick. I guess that didn't stop her from thinking that way.

I was nearly about to put my car into gear before I saw her flying down the stairs. I ended up rattling about how I was trying to change her mind, spewing the truth like some Goddamn idiot.

Suddenly she wanted me to pick her up and I realised I had made her feel guilty. Jesus now I was a charity case, poor Cullen's obviously got issues.

I looked at her shaking my head 'Bella you don't have to...' she interrupted though 'please...I want a lift' I knew better than to believe her 'you can come in for pizza if you want' she continued a little too quickly friendly. I looked back at her house 'you don't have too I just thought' she sighed. I slammed the car door and smiled at her not sure why I was agreeing to sit at dinner with her fucking father, chief of police.

I followed her in and her dad eyed us suspiciously while chomping on a slice of pizza.

'Edward is going to stay for pizza after all' she said slowly.

'Okay' her dad held up the pizza box and I took a slice.

Bella smiled at me awkwardly, because this was possibly as fucking awkward as it gets.

'You can sit' said her dad pointing to a chair. I took the hint and so did she. The three of us just sitting in silence munching on pizza. I was fully aware of Charlie's eyes on me and Bella's on the table. He kept clearing his throat as if he might fill the silence for us but he never did. Until just as I should expect from a police chief he noticed the one thing you don't want him to.

'Pretty bad cut on your hand there' he nodded towards the graze on my knuckles, I instinctively covered the bloody skin with my hand. Before looking to Bella who had dropped her head assuming the worst, me fighting as usual.

'Yeah I'm not very good at hockey' I laughed it off but I could guess Bella would not be so easily placated.

**Bella Swan**

This was beyond awkward; I wanted my dad to leave us although I wasn't sure if that would be worse. I didn't often know what to say Edward, I felt more comfortable that I had though.

Eventually I think Edward realised that my dad would be a fixture at the table and the silence became too much for him. 'I should probably get going then but thanks for the pizza' my dad nodded, his eyes busy reading the paper. Edward eyed me and signalled with his head towards the door for me to follow him.

We silently walked to the car, I shivered feeling the night chill.

He leaned against his car, focused on the ground; I shuffled my feet not sure why I had followed him out.

'Are you going to be all right' he asked.

I chuckled wordlessly not sure if I could manage to fake the lie yes. He still seemed to understand as he lifted his hand and brushed my cheek again, silently. That's when I noticed the hand that my dad had pointed out, the skin broken revealing his bloody knuckles.

'Oh' he snatched his hand away from my face and covered the bloody skin with his hand the same way he had done at the table. I looked away although I knew in reality I would never be able to turn my head at his fighting. For some reason I kept expecting something more.

'It's not what you think' he interrupted the image of Michael punching Emmett, an image that I never seemed able to shake 'It was that attacker guy, I saw what he was doing and I just flipped out'

I lifted my head to stare into his face, his eyes met mine, begging for my trust, I did believe him. I reached hesitantly over to his hand 'Let's see' I requested, he revealed the scratched marks from beneath his other hand and placed it in mine. I lightly ran my finger over the abrasions, his hands seemed so big in mine, and they were rough and warm. I looked up and his eyes were focused on my face watching me, his eyes scrunched up as if he was trying to figure something out.

'Does that hurt?' I asked.

'No, but I might need them back to drive' he smiled.

I giggled, pulling my hands back and folding my arms.

'I wish I made you laugh more than I made you cross' he announced.

I smiled in response, a little embarrassed; he defiantly noticed.

'So shall I pick you up tomorrow or will you bite my head off?' he uttered.

'No I guess I could let you' I grinned 'can I ask for something?'

'Sure' he hesitated.

'Well, I'm being forced to stay behind for art tomorrow and after today, I was wondering if maybe you could give me a lift home because you're the only one that knows and'

'Six o'clock?' he interrupted.

'Yeah'

He smiled, satisfied that to some extent he had won me over.

'Night then Bella'

He climbed into the car.

'Night Edward' I smiled, he met mine with a similar comforting smile before driving off into the frosty forks night.


	9. Chapter 9: I had the blues

_**CHAPTER 9**_

_**I had the blues but i shook them loose**_

* * *

_**Bella**_

Was I early? No its 8:00.

I paced up and down the kitchen glancing recurrently at the window.

Where is he? He had said he was going to pick me up. I'm sure of it. I think.

I had been doing this since 7:15 not sure what time he would arrive but now I was seriously questioning whether he was arriving at all.

I knew from his pond debacle that he didn't like to be late, so why the hell was he leaving it this last minute.

8: 15. My dad kept glancing at me from behind his newspaper which I knew he wasn't really reading but using as a prop to help spy on me. Since I was nine years old my dad has always left the house at 7:00 yet today he was still sitting in his chair.

'Dad' I snapped 'stop looking at me and go to work'

'I'm not looking at you' he cleared his throat 'I think your friend might have forgotten bout you though. Should I give you a lift?'

'For the fifth time. NO!' I shouted before grabbing my bag and heading out the door.

I jogged until I made it to school, cursing that I was twenty minutes late and colder than I had planned to be. In my hurry I had failed to pick up my coat because there was no need for a coat in my mind where I had imagined a care free journey in a well heated Volvo.

I trudged into English and plopped my self down feeling pretty frustrated and embarrassed. Had Edward stood me up or forgot about me? Was there even a good answer to that? And why did I care?

I don't even know what I'm doing asking Edward to pick me up or drop me home late at night in the dark. God I must be a masochist. I knew there was something wrong with Edward, he was obviously unstable, yet I was befriending him. Had I learnt nothing last year?

I had to stop trusting people. If he is damaged then it will only be a matter of time till he damages you.

I almost wanted to hit myself for being so careless. If Emmett knew I was even talking to Edward he would be furious with me. If my dad knew the truth about how I had really met Edward he would lock me up in my bedroom for even considering still beings friends.

'Argh' I groaned inwardly as I recalled the stupid things I had been doing, like sitting in a bedroom alone with this stranger, anything could have happened. I knew exactly why I had done it and I could feel the blush in my cheeks just thinking about it.

Edward was beautiful. The only reason I had done these dangerous things was because someone as attractive as him was talking to me. I had lost all common sense, in any other situation with any other boy I would have freaked out. Maybe Edward was so beautiful that I had turned into one of those girl zombie's. Even when I was scared, I was comfortable. I can hear the doctors now theorizing that its all just an effect of the trauma. Conditioned to be attracted to anyone who treated me like crap or scared the hell out of me.

Or maybe this just seemed a little too much like last time and I wanted to confirm to myself that not every person would hurt me. I could prove to everyone else that I was strong, I wasn't as broken and fragile as they liked to think.

I was beginning to realise I would never change their minds. Especially not whilst I was still having flashbacks, not whilst I was still letting kids at school get to me. When Edward saved me from that attacker, I knew one thing he didn't. I wasn't really being attacked.

I didn't know in the beginning when I first saw him, when he first lunged at me I believed it was all real. Only when I could think clearly could I process what I should have known all along. This was just another practical joke.

Four days after I returned from my 'break' Alice had dragged me to watch Emmett in a football game. Her best attempt at bringing me back to normality was making me endure dull sports. At half time I had persuaded Alice to let me go get sodas for us.

That was the first time I realised that I was scared deeper than a few memories.

I took a detour to the bathroom when I was spotted by Alec volt. Alec, had been part of the football team until he was replaced by Emmett. His ego was too big to be benched so he quit but not before he overheard a conversation between Jasper and Emmett. Few knew the exacts of what had happened to me but when Alec found out he decided to monopolise on both a chance to make his friends laugh and take revenge on Emmett.

He corned me in the girls stalls and began saying all the right things to remind me. I guess he expected a little crying but instead he got lucky and I completely freaked out. It suddenly wasn't Alec attacking me, it was him all over again.

When I finally calmed down and realised that I was having some sort of flashback, Alec was joined by three friends; all of them bent over in hysterical laughter at my outburst.

I stared at them incredulously until he explained that he thought it would be funny to mess with me but that he had never expected such a hilarious blow up. He called me a few obvious names like freak before leaving me a nervous wreck on the bathroom floor.

I guess his little move got him some amazing brownie points with his friends because ever since he had been employing kids to pull the same tactic on me every once and a while.

I never did tell Emmett or anyone, for obvious reasons. My goal was to have people trust that I was fine not expect a breakdown any minute. Besides he didn't do it that often, so I knew I could cope with it.

I like to think the first time it happened I reacted much worse and since then I had began handle them better. In reality though I feared I was deteriorating.

I suppose that was the only time I knew Edward was good, his one redeeming quality. He had saved me from a fake attacker.

Every time I thought I was strong again, Alec's little stunts seemed to bring me straight back to earth with a thud. I suddenly felt weak and scared again, defiantly too afraid to walk home alone at six. Edward seemed to have abandoned me by not coming into school today at all, which meant I was screwed. Or possibly safer for keeping away from him.

As much as I wanted to believe Edward was dangerous, inside I still had a niggling feeling that he wasn't. Maybe he had a temper, so does Emmett and he's my best friend. I had confused myself with a million theories trying to hate Edward but also wanting to be friends with someone new for the first time and not feel foolish for it.

I still felt bitter that Edward had left me by the time lunch rolled around. I was moping at the lunch table when Emmett bounced onto the chair next to me.

'morning buttercup' he smirked.

'Afternoon' I corrected taking a bite of my sandwich. Was I allowed to be annoyed by other peoples chirpiness?

'ye ye. Do you need someone to walk home with tonight?' he questioned sceptically.

I snapped my head towards him 'Why?' I asked confused by his sudden telepathic powers.

'Just wanted you to know that if you do, you can just ask. You don't need to send notes or get anyone to ask for you'

'What are you going on about?' I asked horrified.

He sighed before standing up and riffling through his back pocket until he retrieved a small piece of scrap paper and chucked it at me.

**Bella finishes art at six o'clock. She needs a lift**

'What the hell?' I muttered mostly to myself.

* * *

_**Edward**_

Shit. Late!

I rolled out of bed only now aware that I had slept through three alarm clock sirens. I picked out a white t-shirt and jeans before stumbling downstairs.

Esme and my dad were leisurely enjoying breakfast at the kitchen counter like they had all the time in the fucking world.

'No one think to fucking wake me' I growled trying to pull my feet into my uncooperative trainers.

'I thought you would enjoy the sleep in' Esme responded confusion spread across her face.

'Schools don't usually let you just take the morning off' I said sarcastically.

'Edward, you have a doctors appointment today. No school' they said blankly as if I should know.

'No one fucking told me' I moaned. I had told Bella I would drop her to school and pick her up. Shit.

'Its on the calendar' Esme explained pointing, I followed her finger which hovered above a red scribble saying 'Edward doctors'.

'I don't fucking look at the calendar' I retorted.

'Edward' my dad shouted 'stop saying the f word for gods sake. You're ready now so pull up a seat and you can join us'

I couldn't just leave Bella. Taking her to school might not be a big deal but I couldn't leave her at 6:00 with no one. I had witnessed her at her worst, shaking and balling from terror. If she had to walk home alone after that shit, id feel way to guilty.

'I just need to go do something' I mumbled before grabbing my keys.

'Be back by twelve' my dad shouted, I looked at my watch. Ten o'clock. I was definably too late to catch Bella. Schools starts at half eight. I stopped in my tracks not exactly sure of what I was going to do.

I pulled out my mobile and dialled my life line.

'Jasper. I need a favour'

He sighed in response.

'Get a piece of paper.' I ordered waiting 'got it. Okay write this, Bella finishes art at six o'clock. She needs a lift'

'What the hell?' questioned Jasper.

'Just do it okay and then put it in Emmet's locker'

'Why? Can't I just give it to him'

'No because then he will ask fucking stupid questions like you. Just do it'

'why can't you do it? Are you gona like ambush him there or something' he questioned.

'No! for fucks sake. I've got hospital shit all day'

He sighed 'okay. I'm on it'

'cool thanks. See ya' I hung up knowing I had only put off those questions until I next saw Jasper.

Now I had to face my doctor. One of many conditions that I no longer had to attend boarding school was that I had to have regular appointments to check my stability. Which meant being interrogated for a couple of hours with a million pointless questions.

Things like:-

Are you taking your medication Edward? NO

Have you had any episodes lately? Hell yes

How is therapy helping you? No so much. The fifty year old recently divorced woman therapist fell for some good old Edward charm and was easily convinced to pretend I am making strides with my recovery when in fact I had stopped attending all together.

Of course in reality I lie through my back teeth, smile and pretend that this is all a walk in the park.

I had made strides anyway without all their Hubbley bubbly bullshit. I knew what set me off and I knew how to chill myself out. I didn't like or need people interfering.

My Dad waited outside while I was in the doctors office. I was relieved, it always feels so much easier lying when he's not around to scrutinize my bullshit. Doctor old balls as I liked to call him also made the whole thing a lot easier. When your doctor is a 62 year old man who's pretty much just waiting for retirement, you find it a lot easier to get away with stuff.

The usual questions arose and I bypassed them easily enough until he asked if he could have a urine sample. Shit.

'What do you want a urine sample for?' I asked suddenly panicked.

'routine check up Edward' my doctor smiled.

'You don't usually want piss' I demanded.

'Your father asked if I would check that you were taking your pills' he sent me that condescending smile again.

'Interfering bastard' I barked, of course my dad would get involved. Even outside the door he was calling the shots.

If they took a piss test, they would know that I hadn't been taking my pills but also that I was smoking the reefa. First class ticket back to boarding school thank you.

'I haven't been taking the God damn pills all right' I groaned, hoping that admitting one drug misuse would hide another.

'Edward' here came the same monotonous lecture from doctor old balls 'I'm sure it feels all right living with OCD when you only get slight niggles but we both know how easily It can progress. Do you want a repeat of last year?'

'That's not going to happen' I huffed, staring him out.

He sighed 'I'm going to have to tell your father' of course he was.

I stood up and kicked the chair away before storming out.

I bypassed my dad who looked at me incredulously before shaking his head knowing full well that he was right all along. Congratulations dad your son really is a failure.

Dad met me in the car after about twenty minutes. We drove in silence, he was probably perfecting the most superior dad speech he could manage or he was just too pissed off to speak.

When we arrived home, I stalked into the house hoping I could escape his talk until tomorrow but of course he now decides to speak.

'Me and Esme want to talk to you so there's no point walking off'

I turned around and followed him into the kitchen.

'Oh Edward' sighed Esme as soon as she saw me.

I guess my dad had already filled her in. Great I always felt like shit letting Esme down.

'Do you have an explanation as to why you have decided to no longer take your pills?' questioned my dad in this calm tone which I knew only hid the real temper waiting to explode.

'I don't need them' I slumped down on the kitchen stool, folding my arms.

'Giving a self diagnosis now are we Edward?'

'Nobody knows me better than me right' I smirked like a cocky bastard.

I could see my dad's right eye twitch, a sign that he was seriously pissed off under that calm exterior.

'You didn't seem to know yourself very well last year' retorted my dad. Fuck. Why did they always have to bring up my mistakes?

'Neither did you and you're a doctor' I grinned.

'You blame me Edward? It is hard to see the truth when you have a world class liar for a son' he linked his hands together resting them under his chin 'so lets get it all out. What else are you lying about?'

'Nothing else' I stated indignant.

'Edward if your struggling with school' soothed Esme

'Fucks sake what does this have to do with school?' I groaned 'every thing is fine and fucking dandy'

'For how long?' questioned my dad.

'What?' I sneered.

'Well how long before you lose it?'

I stared at him shaking my head. 'I don't know dad. How long before you get the fuck over the fact that your son is a crazy bastard?'

'No one is saying your crazy Edward' interrupted Esme.

'He doesn't need to say it' I pointed my finger in my dad's face 'I know what he thinks of me'

Suddenly he slammed his hand on the table 'You're the one in the wrong here Edward not me. I wont allow you to turn this'

I stood up 'fuck you. I'm not taking the pills.' and turned to go up to my room.

I paced up and down my bedroom fuming. The same words leaving my mouth over and over again 'it won't happen' I breathlessly repeated. If I said it enough, it wouldn't happen. If I said it enough I could cope and I would survive.

My dad knew exactly how to set me off and yet he still pushed me. Even though I would spend the rest of the night having an episode, it was all right as long as he managed to win. Selfish bastard.

I must have passed out from exhaustion eventually because I awoke to Esme's soft motherly hand resting on my cheek as she blew her cold breath on my forehead.

'Edward' she removed a sticky strand of hair from my sweaty face 'you know why he is so upset don't you?'

I shrugged.

'because we look at you now, how strong you are and we can hardly believe it. We are so proud of how you've turned it all around but honey we have seen you at your worst. We are terrified it is all going to come back'

'It wont. I know what I'm doing' I tried to persuade her.

'We can't force you to take your medication but I wish you would reconsider'

'Don't worry, dad will just send me back to boarding' I huffed.

'No he won't. Edward you have come too far to just be sent back. Its not suppose to be a punishment' she said gently.

She pulled the covers over me like I was a kid again and kissed my head before leaving me alone in the dark room.


	10. Chapter 10: clearly

**_Hiya guys If your reading my little story will you please take a second to review the chapter so i have something to read tooo thanksssxx. _**

**chapter 10**

**Clearly**

* * *

For some reason I had decided that Bella was not the type of girl to hold grudges. She had forgiven me quick enough for being a dick in the park and then after purposely getting her in trouble in math and then after laughing when she fell over. Shit I really was an asshole.

However if she had forgiven me for all of that, then standing her up yesterday probably meant nothing at all.

I turned up at 8:00 outside her house as if nothing had even happened yesterday and rung her doorbell. Her dad met me at the door, a cup of coffee in one hand and a letter in the other.

'Edward' he smiled as if he had been expecting me.

'Mr err Swan' I stuttered a little hesitant by the creepy smile on his face.

'Chief Swan I think you will find' he stated still wearing the unsightly smile 'Bella mentioned that you might stop by'

'Oh okay' I replied 'is she ready?'

'Bella left a while ago' he stated suddenly the smile was wiped clean.

'Oh' I turned to leave 'well thanks anyway'

'Edward' I spun back too face him 'my daughter has told me that you have been harassing her'

I stared at him for a minute before squinting my eyes and smirking 'What?' I asked assuming this was some weird joke.

'Keep away from Bella. I will only tell you once'

'Are you serious?' I questioned disbelieving.

'Completely'

I nodded slowly, taken aback. Had Bella really told her dad I was harassing her. What. The. Fuck.

I had been sitting in my car just staring at my steering wheel unable to process it. I had never harassed Bella. She was fine and happy when I last saw her. She must have decided she wanted me to leave her alone again.

Fuck. I struck the steeling wheel with my hands.

No way. I wouldn't let her do this. I floored the breaks until I arrived at forks high.

I seemed to have transcended into some trance like state where by everyone around me was a blur. There was only one person who I would register and I spotted her standing outside the art room with her pixie friend Alice.

She was too busy giggling with Alice to notice me until I was standing in front of her.

'You told your dad I was harassing you?' I barked.

Her eyes popped open in shock as she realised her dad's warning hadn't worked.

She picked up her art folder and proceeded to walk into the art classroom. Alice stood still looking me up and down with a confused expression.

'Oh your going to ignore me now' I snapped following her into the art room. Only a couple of kids were in there but each one looked horrified by me.

Bella had already taken a seat; she picked up a stick of chalk and was mindlessly shading in a piece of sugar paper.

'how did I harass you?' I demanded.

She was ignoring me completely. I might as well not exist.

In my trance induced temper I grabbed her chalk stick and hauled it across the floor.

'Tell me' I roared.

Suddenly someone was in front of me, their hands pushing me backward as they resounded my name. I blinked several times before I realised it was Jasper.

'Edward stop' he grumbled while still trying to push me away from the table I was hovering over. Then I noticed her. Woken from my stupor I could now see her accurately staring up at me in unexpected terror.

I stepped back, easing Jaspers relief. I looked around the room at everyone's alarm.

'Come on Ed' sighed Jasper holding my arm 'let's get out of here'

I took one last look at Bella's wide eyes which hadn't stopped watching me before I walked out the door.

'What the fuck happened man?' Jasper asked while patting me on the back 'Are you okay?'

I stalked back to my car, sliding inside I sat back in my chair in defeat. i didn't know what the fuck had happened. Jasper had followed and i could see his eyes watching me.

How had I not realised earlier, it was so obvious. How had I not seen it? I let my sudden revelation surround me.

It was stupid and careless. I realised now that I had unwittingly been letting my OCD spill over on to Bella. All this time, the reason I had been trying so hard to get Bella to believe I was a good guy was because I had let it become a compulsion.

If I didn't convince Bella I was good I was sure that she would tell everyone. Eventually she would turn on me and then my time was up. I had been fervently pursuing this idea that if I could get Bella to believe me, to like me then I was safe.

It was ridiculous, of course it was. OCD was always ridiculous. Bella couldn't stop everyone from finding out, only I could do that however instead I had flaunted it. That performance in the art room was exactly the kind of thing that exhibited how crazy I was under this useless mask. That wasn't Bella's fault it was solely mine.

When I was anxious, my obsessive compulsive disorder would surface. A raging all consuming monster that took over Edward. That day in the pond my anxiety was at its all time high and the first person I set my eyes on was Bella Swan. Maybe then I had unconsciously decided to cling to her, by saving me she had made a deal to keep me safe and protect my identity. A deal with the devil that I only now realised I had to release her from before I hurt her anymore. While I couldn't control my OCD, I couldn't risk unloading my shit on new friends. Jasper understood, he would sit in this car staring into nothingness with me for how ever long it took, no matter what I did because he understood.

'I have to speak to Bella' I said flatly.

'Dude, not a good idea' he reasoned.

'I'm calm. I'm cool now. I need to speak to her one last time'

'Have you been… like…harassing her since the pond thing?' he questioned sceptically.

I just looked at him blankly before he tried to back his way out of it 'yea I know. Of course you haven't. I was just checking ya know'

I stepped out the car and headed back to the art block for a calmer round two.

As if Alice was some psychic, she was already standing guard on the door.

'No way' she announced 'I'll tackle you to the ground if you even think about coming past me'

If I wasn't so somber I'm sure the idea of pixie tackling me to the ground would be hilarious. Instead I sighed and looked to Jasper.

'He just wants a few words' piped up Jaz 'I trust him'

She stared at us questionably before she huffed 'okay, I will ask her'

She disappeared into the classroom.

'She has to finish something off before Mr Varner will let her go'

At least she had agreed to see me but I suddenly didn't want Jaz and Alice breathing down my neck when I spoke to her.

'Can you tell her to meet me in the cafeteria'

She nodded so I made my way to the unusually quite at this time of day cafeteria, to wait for her.

**Bella**

I walked impossibly slow across the school grounds as if I could avoid meeting him all together.

I wasn't sure if I should regret telling Alice that I didn't need her to accompany me, of course I had only said it to appear unshaken by Edward. Now it occurred to me I would be alone with him because everyone else was in class and I couldn't deny that after his outburst I had never felt more convinced that Edward Cullen was dangerous.

I felt this disappointed gloom wallow over me because I was right all along. It was so frustrating knowing that somewhere he had this decent person inside, I hadn't imagined that. Yet staring into the violent black eyes again, I could barely recall one honourable bit of him.

He was like a ferocious tornado unable to control himself as he directed his prevailing temper at me. It wasn't till Jasper stepped in that I saw a glimpse of him again, for a moment he looked lost and young and scared to death.

I felt like crying but not because I was afraid. I just wanted to understand, to know why he was so troubled.

He was hateful and pained. Had I caused that? I suddenly feared that my own cruel lie had pushed him.

I suppose my own less volatile temper had drove me to act the way I had. After Emmett showed me the note that Edward had implemented, I was furious.

I could have asked Emmett to walk home with me myself but I had purposely not. If Emmett knew I was too scared to walk home alone at a measly six o'clock then I would be right back to where I was last year. I had been working so hard to reassure everyone that I was the same happy Bella and now I felt like Edward had undone all that with his thoughtless note. I had asked him not to tell anyone about the attacker, people were bound to ask questions if I was suddenly afraid to walk home.

What's more, Edward wasn't in school so he must have employed someone into writing that note. Did they know about the attacker?

Maybe I was a fool for trusting Edward but I still felt betrayed. So when I woke up the next morning, I had decided that I couldn't deny it anymore, I had to remove Edward from my life.

Something must have stopped Edward from coming into school; maybe another pond needed jumping in or a fight needed starting which meant that he might try to pick me up this morning. I wanted to avoid him at all costs and because I was too much of a coward to tell him I wanted nothing to do with him I decided I would shamelessly abuse the fact that my father was chief of police.

While eating breakfast I decided to casually bring it up.

'Dad' I spoke between a mouthful of fruit loops 'you know that Edward guy'

'hmm yes…Emmett's friend?' he replied without taking his eyes away from the morning paper.

'Well' I stumbled for the right words 'it turns out he's not really a friend of Emmett's and actually he's a bit weird'

He peeped up at me 'How so?'

'He Just keeps trying to be friends and to be honest I don't really want to be' I bit my lip.

'He's harassing you?' he demanded suddenly interested.

'No dad. Of course not. I just have a feeling he will stop by to give me a lift and I wondered if you could suggest he doesn't stop by again.'

'Has he done anything to you?'

'No! God dad don't be ridiculous' my plan was to act as casual as possible so dad didn't get any ideas like this 'I just thought if you acted like a protective police chief father he might not bother'

'Is everything going all right at school?' my dad hadn't asked me that since I had returned to school, I should have known this would bring those sort of suspicions to his mind.

'Brilliant, in fact I should get going' I stood up grabbing my bag which clung to the kitchen chair 'so if he stops by just…I don't know…make him feel unwelcome…whatever it is police chiefs do'

I escaped before I had to actually face Edward myself, I had already stirred up my dads concern I wanted to make sure I had done it for a reason.

And once again cowardly me was standing outside the cafeteria unable to find the guts to walk in and face up to my spineless lie and Edward.

I couldn't figure out what else there was to say, I could try and convince him that I didn't exactly say he had harassed me but had I just voiced the same thing in a lighter tone.

It was cruel to label him that especially when I knew that the last time I saw him he had been trying to convince me that he wasn't as bad as he seemed. To the police chief of all people as well, the small town of forks would love to gossip about the local thug.

I felt to guilty to even go in, no matter what I thought of Edward he had never harassed me and suddenly the things he had done seemed very minuscule and petty.

Suddenly there was a voice to wake me from my reverie.

'You okay there dear' figures I was blocking the way for a rather large lunch lady.

'Oh sorry' I swiftly scooted out of the way clinging to the wall.

'Someone in there?' she asked peeping through the door 'are you meeting that young boy'

'Is he there?' I questioned anxiously curious.

'Handsome, could do with a hair cut?' she asked inspecting him from the window pane in the door.

'Yes, does he look angry?' I probed .

She chuckled 'no, more like upset. Aww poor kid, you having a lovers tiff?'

I shook my head vehemently before rushing to the window to look for myself. His hair drooped miserably down his face, his eyes staring longingly onto the table as he spun his soda bottle round in an invisible game of truth or dare.

'Don't leave him there alone' she smiled tapping me on the back.

I nodded but clung to the wall again just to prepare myself.

She gave me one last look before entering the cafeteria.

There was no escaping it, I just had to face him so I took a deep breath and entered the lunch room.

His head cocked up at the sound of the door, I searched the room simply to stop myself meeting his eyes as I approached.

I finally made it to the table and slid into the stool unable to avoid his eyes anymore however he was once again focused on his bottle of soda.

We sat in an uneasy silence for a while until I had decided what I wanted to say however he abruptly beat me to it.

'I want to try and explain' he choked seeming unusually solemn, he ran his frustrated hands through his hair and then I realised something, for the first time it seemed Edward was nervous.

I waited quietly watching with fascination as a tense Edward tried to find the words to explain whatever was bothering him.

After a long 3 minutes of continued silence I had begun to feel impatient and had unconsciously started tapping my fingers on the table when his hand unexpectedly reached out and grabbed my hand to still it.

He looked at me in surprise as if his movements had been as automatic as me tapping 'See. That' he groaned 'that is what I'm trying to explain' he pulled his hand away and I could feel his frustration.

'It's okay' I smiled lightly.

'Fuck. Okay… I have this disorder.' he grunted as if it was painful to even say the words.

I didn't respond, it seemed like he still had more to tell.

'I can't control it. No that's wrong every so often I can. It just sometimes gets too much' his eyes now met mine 'you've heard of obsessive compulsive disorder right?'

I nodded hesitantly.

He took a deep breath before continuing 'well I have that. That's why I probably seem weird to you. It makes me think things I don't want to and do things I can't always control'

'like the jumping in the pond?' I questioned accidentally, my curiosity getting the better of me.

'Huh?' he responded.

'Did it make you try and kill yourself?' I asked hesitantly.

'No' he snapped 'I told you, I wasn't trying to kill myself' I looked away wishing I had kept my stupid mouth shut.

He sighed 'your right about it being connected but I was the one who decided to jump in the pond. I was having a particularly fucking bad anxiety attack because I had convinced myself that everything would go wrong if I didn't get to school by exactly nine. I know that sounds fucking crazy but it felt right so when I was late I started freaking out. I have this thing with freezing water, if I'm really anxious and I can't calm down, ice cold water does the trick. The not being able to breath as well, if I can't breathe then I can't think about all the shit in my head. I would have got out on my own eventually'

'Oh' was all I could say which seemed monumentality pathetic after he had just told me that 'so what else does it make you do?' I wondered whether I was allowed to press him further or if I should leave it. Somehow I still didn't understand what this meant.

' At the moment my mind gets stuck on things all the time, like I develop these specific thoughts about things and then I have to make sure that they turn out that way or bad things will happen' he looked up at me with this timid look as if he was checking I was still here.

I kept talking so he couldn't read any expression that might be emerging on my face 'you say at the moment…does it change?'

He nodded 'I had this time a while back when I was fixated on being clean. It got pretty bad but now I just feel it slightly' he shrugged it off but it seemed to pain him 'I know I might seem like I am fucking out of my mind but there was a time I was actually worse than this'

'Edward, I don't think you're out of your mind' I replied appalled because I knew there was a moment in our past that I had considered that but as he spoke so honestly about this bane on his life I could tell he was a normal kid just suffering with something he so desperately wanted to control but couldn't.

He scrunched up his eyes 'well I am'

'Why are you telling me this?' I asked wondering what I had done to deserve the right to be told something he so obviously kept close to his heart. These were not stories relayed on a regular basis to anyone, you had to earn them so why had he given them to me who had accused him of harassing me.

'because I finally realised what the fuck I was doing to you and I owed you a explanation for that'

I looked at him blankly waiting for some sort of clarification.

'You had become a compulsion' he paused once again evaluating my expression which I tried so hard to keep light even though inside I was shocked 'for some reason, I had decided that you could keep me safe. If I could convince you that I was good and normal, then I could convince everyone else. I could keep this crazy person inside a secret' I bit my lip, all this time his need to make me a friend had held such importance to his survival 'that's why I was being such an asshole, I had become obsessed with trying to convince you but then failing of course'

'because your disorder kept messing it up?'

'Yeah, when I get anxious I get angry, its kind of a vicious circle'

'I'm sorry Edward' I insisted feeling so incredibly guilty.

'What the hell for?' he demanded looking surprised.

'For what I told my dad' I explained.

'I probably was harassing you' he shrugged.

'No' I exclaimed 'you didn't, I just have a hard time trusting people'

'Well you don't have to worry anymore, I will leave you alone. promise' he smiled softly.

'Can't we just start over instead' I suggested 'I mean we had such a bad start for a friendship, its no surprise it was a disaster' I held out my hand 'hi Edward, my name is Bella'

He looked at my hand sceptically.

'unless you don't want to' I retracted nervously pulling my hand away. He quickly grabbed it and held my hand.

'Hello Bella' he grinned staring at our hands 'you should know it's not easy being my friend'

'that's alright I'm not that easy either' I smiled.

He chuckled condescendingly 'Oh really, what could be so bad about you?'

'Erm girlish mood swings?' I replied.

He smirked 'really. So now that were friends do you think you could keep my OCD to yourself?'

I shook my head 'I am good at keeping secrets unlike you' I said sarcastically.

He looked at me confused.

'I asked you not to tell anyone about that guy attacking me and then you sent that note to Emmett'

'It didn't tell him anything though' he argued

'I know but Emmett will just get suspicious' i sighed knwoing he couldn't really relise how important my secret was.

He raised his eyebrows 'he's a little over protective'

'He is my best friend' I protested.

'Yea he's everyone's friend' he groaned

I chuckled 'you almost sound jealous'

He raised his eyebrows 'Fuck you, I'm selective with my friends. I don't just hang around with mindless beef cakes'

I couldn't help but smile 'so am I the lucky few who get to be your friend'

He rolled his eyes 'possibly. Can I make a suggestion?' I fanned out my hand for him to continue 'we don't tell people about this friendship' it made sense for me to not tell anyone, my dad thought he had been harassing me and Emmett thought he was crazy. I did wonder why he had suggested it though, why did he want me as a secret.

'yea, good idea' I agreed trying to sound enthusiastic.

'we should probably say goodbye then before everyone comes in for lunch' he suggested. I looked up to the giant plastic clock on the wall behind me and couldn't believe it was already twelve o'clock. It had taken even longer for Edward to confess than I thought.

We both stood up 'I better go find Jasper and tell him everything is all right'

'Yea Alice probably thinks you've murdered me by now'

'I guess I've not gone completely unnoticed' he smiled but I could tell there was a sadness behind it. As casual as he said it, he desperately worried that people would discover him.

We parted ways to opposite sides of the lunch hall to wait for our friends and I wondered how two people went about having a secret friendship.


	11. Chapter 11: The colour purple

**_Sorry this chapter took a while. If you've got a minute review._**

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**_Chapter 11  
The colour purple _**

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**Bella **

When I arrived at biology on Monday I guess I had some sort of anticipation built up for beginning this friendship with Edward. So I was a little disappointed when Mr Banner had decided to place us in groups for a project, even more so when I realised I was with Mike and Eric. I knew that biology would really be the only time I would get to speak to Edward thanks to the secrecy of our unusual friendship. Now that Edward had revealed his true self, I was sort of intrigued by him.

So intrigued that while Mike and Eric argued over whether to do a project on beetles or worms, I found myself watching Edward. Now that I knew he had obsessive compulsive disorder I began to question every movement I saw. When Edward closed his eyes for a couple of minutes I questioned whether something was bothering him, when his partner grabbed his pen I waited anxiously for him to snatch it back; all sorts of small movements had me assuming Edward would react even though really I still knew so little about his disorder.

It turns out that he didn't react, infant he blended in perfectly. I stood out more than him. He didn't talk to them often but that didn't stop girls ogling him. I hadn't noticed it before but Edward had defiantly caught the female eye especially Jessica Stanley who was just a little too over enthusiastic to have him in her group. She squealed with glee and ran over his table. She pulled up a stool as close to him as possible and had been drooling over him ever since. Of course I could sort of understand, there was no denying Edward was good looking, I just hoped he had better taste than Jessica Stanley.

After the bell rang, mike stayed behind to talk to me while I packed my bag.

'so how is everything Bella' he began as if he was my very own psychologist.

'Amazing!' I said overemphasising each syllable.

'you enjoying this year?' I knew that was just mike fishing for information. I think he believed that if he was nice enough I would let him have all the juicy details on why I had been away last year.

'Yes mike, I enjoyed last year and I am enjoying this year' I sighed throwing my books in my bag angrily.

'I Just wondered because I know you had it hard last year' he continued not getting my subtle signs to shut the hell up.

'yea well everything is great now, so have a good day mike' he finally got the hint as I dismissed him. He threw his bag on his back and stalked out of the classroom. I fell back on my chair with a huff. Why did everyone but me want to hold onto this?

'looks like I'm not the only one who got stuck with a bad group' I jerked in shock from the sudden voice toppling over my chair, I quickly steadied myself nearly falling to the ground. I looked behind me to see Edward still sitting in his seat now with a smirk, no doubt brought upon by my clumsiness.

'You scared me' I exclaimed holding my hand over my heart 'I didn't know anyone was in here'

'I thought I would say hi' he smiled.

'hi' I chuckled stupidly feeling like a complete idiot as soon as I had said it.

'How was your weekend?' he enquired.

'I've convinced Charlie to let me redecorate my room so we spent Saturday arguing over colour schemes and cabinets. Not too exciting' I shrugged.

'The Police chief argues over colour schemes?' he chuckled.

'More the price of it. What did you do?' I questioned wanting to get off the subject of my embarrassing father.

'avoided my dad by crashing at Jaspers' he said casually as he stood up and began walking towards me.

'why are you avoiding your dad' I stuttered unsure if I was prying.

He rolled his eyes 'we don't exactly agree on my method of coping with OCD' he perched opposite my table.

'you have methods?' I questioned.

'Yeah, its not something you can just shrug off' he said while ironically shrugging.

'Oh. So I guess were no longer lab partners' I decided to change the subject to something a little ligher.

'Not until this shit is over with' he held up his groups mind map unenthusiastically 'I wish I could have just stayed with you'

'you do?' I asked surprised.

'Fuck yeah. I'm stuck with some annoying bitch who just draws hearts all lesson and then a guy who's defiantly high'

I chuckled 'those hearts are probably for you'

'What?' he asked his eyebrows pulled up confused.

'I think Jessica might have a crush on you'

'No she doesn't' he laughed condescendingly.

'Yes she does. Girls can tell these things. She was staring at you all lesson'

'How would you know?' he asked suspiciously. Crap then I realised, the reason I knew she was watching him was because I was watching him too 'Does Bella have her own crush?' I stared at him wide eyed. No! of course I did not have a crush on Edward Cullen. I was simply interested in his new found OCD, how did I explain this?

'Who is it? don't tell me its stoner boy' he laughed. Sudden relief swept over me when I realised that he had never been suggesting I was crushing on him after all.

I rolled my eyes relieved 'yea of course'

'Is there a lesson going on in here?' we both identically shot our heads towards the door to see Mr Jones, our school workshop teacher looking at us angrily.

'No' replied Edward.

'then get off to lunch' he snapped.

I picked up my bag and followed Edward outside into the busy hallway.

'you going to the lunch hall?' I asked.

He nodded and we quietly walked there together, I expected to split once we entered but I could see through the door that Alice was unusually sitting with Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie today.

'looks like were sitting together' I pointed out.

'do you have to get lunch?'

'no, I brought sandwiches'

'I guess ill see you in a minute then' he walked over and slid into the lunch queue while I joined Alice who was animatedly talking to the whole table but I couldn't quite catch the topic.

'Bella!' Emmett boomed as soon as I sat down.

'Hiya' I greeted everyone around the table who all smiled back except Rosalie who barely seemed to notice my arrival.

I nudged Alice's arm and whispered in her ear 'why are we sitting here?'

She whispered back 'I fancied a change' and winked. I didn't mind sitting here after all Emmett was my best friend but I didn't know Jasper that much and well Rosalie would make the pope feel uncomfortable.

Edward returned with a slice of pizza and a coke, he sat down next to Jasper. I realised how stupid I was for feeling uncomfortable when I saw the reaction Edward got as he took his seat. If anyone should feel uncomfortable it was him, Emmett groaned, Rosalie gave him one of her famous bitchy stares and now even Alice seemed to have developed a dislike as she shuffled her chair away from his. I was surprised how unfazed he was, he took a bite from his pizza and held his head high as if nothing had happened. How could he still be so cocky? i was surprised he was so tortured inside because he really was so good at hiding it.

I felt guilty that Alice had now made him an enemy because I knew it was due to me. After my chat with Edward on Friday I returned to Alice and told her that he had apologised and would keep away from me from now on whilst also explaining that Edward had sort of been a bit of an ass to me since we started school. It felt like I was reusing the lie I had told my dad but I hoped Edward would understand. I hadn't expected Alice to hold a grudge, now I defiantly felt guilty even if Edward didn't care. It was unfair for everyone to hate him when they didn't understand what he had to deal with. At least he had Jasper, I was glad there was someone who understood him.

'Oh bells I can't come round tonight' piped up Emmett.

'What? I need help painting, it's the only day my dads on a night shift. I want to get it done before he tries to take over'

'I know soz but rose has got tickets to see Jay Z in Seattle'

I shook my head irritated, I knew my dad would make a mess of my room if he got involved. I had seen the state of the recently decorated bathroom. It was not pretty.

'Don't worry ill do it on my own' I sighed.

'sorry' he repeated but I was too annoyed to sincerely accept it so I took a bite of my sandwich and wallowed for the remainder of lunch.

Observing the table of people that surrounded me was interesting especially watching Alice who seemed so buoyant amongst everyone. I had a feeling that Alice would want to sit here everyday from now on, maybe our twosome had bored her and she was ready for more interesting people. I resented her slightly for being so chirpy and friendly whilst I always felt like a gloomy bore. Maybe I couldn't blame her for wanting more fun friends.

Maybe I should be like Edward, he seemed perfectly happy with Jasper being friends with everyone, even his enemies.

I rushed home after school so that I could make a start on my room, I knew that it would take double the time now that Emmett had abandoned me. I had exactly six hours before my dad got home to paint, wait for it to dry and then arrange my furniture how I wanted it.

I fixed myself some dinner first, I had some pasta sauce from the night before so I turned it into lasagne and popped into the oven. I ran upstairs and pulled on a pair of old sweats and a holey t-shirt. Then I began painting over the lime green that my dad had garishly painted nine years ago. It would take more than one coat of paint to hide its frightful brightness.

I had barely painted one wall when I heard a knock at the door, I groaned and considered leaving it but instead I dropped my paint brush in the pot and stalked to the door.

There in the door way was Edward, a cheeky smile on his face and a paintbrush held up in his hand.

'Edward' I stated in surprise.

'need any help?'

'how did you know?'

'It's not hard to overhear Emmett, dudes like a foghorn'

'you planned this?'

'Well no, I was in town and I saw your dads patrol car in the station. I remembered your little convo at lunch'

'and decided you would be the one to save me' I smiled lightly

He laughed 'that and I'm avoiding my dad again'

'What happened to Jasper? I thought he let you crash at his' i asked hoping he hadn't fallen out with him.

'Turns out Jasper has a date and besides we were both kind of sick of each other. So can I come in?' he smirked

'Oh yes. Sorry' I stumbled out of the way embarrassed that I had left him in the doorway 'come in'

'when is your dad home? I better make sure I avoid chief swan' he smirked.

'I'm sorry about that. Not one of my best ideas' i blushed feeling like an idiot.

He shrugged 'what's one more foe'

'you do seem to collect them. He's home at ten so we should be able to get it done'

'plenty of time, so shall we see this room of yours' he said while looking round my house,

'Oh yes' I was acting like such a ditz, I led him timidly upstairs into my bedroom.

'Wow very…green' he chortled.

I sighed 'I know…hence my impatience to paint it'

He walked up to the paint pot and dipped his brush into it before taking the next wall along without any instruction he began painting.

'I should be paying you' I joked.

'nah friends do this type of shit right' he said unsure.

'unless there's Jay Z tickets' I groaned thinking of my best friends abandonment again.

'Douche' he muttered and I almost wanted to agree but I thought better of it.

We painted in silence for a while until he began humming. Ever so often he would break through and sing a few words before humming again. I couldn't help but chuckle. He turned his head once he noticed my laughter.

'Are you laughing at me?' he demanded with a smirk on his face.

'No, I'm laughing at your singing voice' I joked.

'Fuck you, Esme always says I have a beautiful singing voice'

'Who's Esme?' I asked intrigued by this new name

'she's my step mom' he stated and I tried to ignore the relief that I was sure I felt that it was only a family member.

'oh well she has to say things like that to you, its just a mom being nice' I smirked

'Fuck off' and he began the painting the wall once more. I chuckled again as I heard him groaning under his breath.

I Heard the bell go on the cooker and remembered my lasagne.

'What's that?' he asked.

'lasagne, want some?' i asked kind of hoping he would say no, i didn't think my rushed attempt at lasagne would be my best work.

'sure' he dropped his brush eagerly as he came towards me.

'Wait I just got to finish this bit before it dries' I quickly brushed in swift strokes before I was done. I turned round and was about to step down the ladder when my foot missed the step and I twisted backwards. I grabbed the top of the step ladder to steady myself but in the process had thrown my brush in the air. As I eventually balanced myself I realised I had splattered Edward with purple paint all down his face.

'Oh my God!' I exclaimed swiftly stepping down the stairs 'I'm so sorry' his face looked hard and completely serious. Edward had told me that he had a problem with being dirty, had I just set his OCD off. His angry face told me that yes, yes I had. He stared at me his lips pressed into a hard line. 'don't worry, ill get you a cloth. We will get it all off, I'm so sorry Edward' I turned to run to the bathroom where I could get a wet cloth when suddenly Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me back.

'Do you realise what you have just done' he spoke slowly each word seemed to escape from his gritted teeth.

I shook my head slowly, panic setting in within me.

'Started a war' he growled, abruptly he dipped his hand in the paint pot before flicking it at my face. Purple gunk dotted my face and clothes. I blinked in shock before my eyes met his face, a wide grin covering it, he raised his eyebrows waiting for my reaction.

'Edward!' I squealed looking down at myself, I slapped his chest with my palm 'I thought you were really angry then'

'That's what was so good about it' he chuckled.

'Oh really, well lets see if this is funny' I followed his action and dipped my hand in the pot but he grabbed my waist and threw me onto my bed. I pushed my hand into his face wiping the purple paint across his cheek as he wrestled to keep me still.

'noooo' I screamed as he pinned my arms against the bed.

'say you're sorry' he demanded his face hovering above mine

'NO WAY' I shouted fighting against his hand but he his hand kept me still.

'I won't let you go until you say sorry' I could feel his hot breath on my face and it almost made me want to close my eyes and sleep.

'fine' I surrendered 'I'm sorry'

'Good little Bella' he released me, jumping up from the bed, he started towards the door

'Where are you going?' I shouted from the bed a little flustered.

'lasagne' he replied as he kept walking.

'oh crap' I jumped up forgetting about the meal overcooking in the oven.

We sat down at the kitchen table making our way through a plate of lasagne. Edward had a cocky grin very pleased with himself that he had won our battle of the paint.

'do you have to look so smug' I sighed.

He popped a mouthful of lasagne in his mouth and smiled.

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**

**Edward**

I couldn't explain how it felt. I had never had to reveal myself like that to anyone. Jasper had just always been there so I could never remember a time when I had needed to explain who I was to him. However sitting in front of Bella, I felt the weight of what I had decided to do. I had to tell her the truth, how I had obsessive compulsive disorder and how I had let it spill onto her. I would take every single backlash, if she told the whole school, if she laughed in my face, if she called me a freak I would take it because I deserved it. I had failed to keep myself under control and I had to pay the price. I wouldn't be a coward. Although sitting in front of her brown eyes I couldn't help feeling like a coward, everything I wanted to say would get stuck in my throat and the silence time lag was unbearable.

When I finally managed to confess, I waited uncomfortably for her to react but it didn't come. Her face was as serene as if id told her I bake cookies for a living. I would check every time I continued speaking waiting for some sign that she was freaked out but instead she just asked questions. It was this uncomfortable relief where I couldn't quite trust that she wouldn't at any minute turn on me but also so glad that their was a possibility she was accepting this.

By the time I had finished explaining there was only one more thing I needed to do, it might take some will power knowing my new compulsion but I would promise to keep away from her. Bella seemed full of surprises because even after all I had told her she still wanted us to be friends. I was cautious to agree because now she knew the truth she had more power to destroy me. If I let her down again she could end up taking her revenge on me and telling everyone the truth. Maybe I should have just cut and run but I wanted to know the Bella who was willing to look past all my crazy shit. So I was willing to take a chance.

Just not sure how I would be her friend without the whole world finding out about it. Bella swan was dangerous territory, with way to many bodyguards ready to pounce on anyone who even looked at her. There was a reason behind it, why everyone treated her like she was about to break, I just didn't know what it was. I wondered if while I was confessing my inner demons if she might let me into hers but it seemed like I was just like mike Newton and his cronies left wondering why Bella Swan had this dark cloud over her.

I almost thought I was going to eavesdrop the truth on Monday after biology. I had decided to stay behind to talk to Bella as this would be the only time I would get to speak to my new friend. The concept of having this new friend in Bella was still surreal and I wasn't sure how long it would take for it to sink in that I didn't just have jasper now. This girl had accepted me and wanted me in some way in her life despite all she knew about me. It defied everything I believed about human nature.

Mike Newton the nosey bastard had stayed behind too so that he could bother her with his incessant chatter all of which was employed just so he could snoop into the real reason she had spent part of last year of school. I listened with curiosity but I should have known no fucker would confess their inner demons to mike fucking Newton. The guy was a snivelling turd and she pretty much told him where to get off.

I suddenly felt kind of guilty sitting at the back like a sneaky fucker but I ignored the subject of Mikes obvious probing and managed to cram in 5 minutes of chat with Bella before some ugly old bastard interrupted us.

Bella and her pixie bodyguard friend unusually sat with us today. It was interesting to see that I wasn't the only one who Rosalie gave evil eyes at. She wasn't a fan of Bella either which baffled me because what reason could she have for hating the timid Bella.

I still felt this enormous relief every time I made it through a school day. I dreaded going home but I knew I couldn't avoid it forever. I had spent all weekend at Jasper's because I was too pissed off to go home. I sort of blamed my dad for my episode on Friday where I nearly attacked Bella. The way he had pushed me on Thursday had defiantly made me worse. But now I needed money and clothes and as much as my dad was an ass, Esme wasn't and she deserved to see me.

As soon as I walked through the door, Esme was by my side she held up her arms to hug me but she knew better and dropped them almost immediately.

'Edward, I'm so glad you're home'

'Es, I was only gone the weekend'

'You know how you mom worries' interrupted my dad entering from the kitchen. His posture and face was as stern as Thursday so I guessed he hadn't cooled off to much. Dude needs a bag of weed more than i do.

'well I'm home now. I'm going to take a shower' I wasn't going to let him get to me today for some reason I felt in a damn good mood.

I ran up stairs to my room but never made it to the shower. As soon as I stepped through the door I could tell something was different. My eyes searched the room feeling uneasy, someone had been in my room.

I slammed the door and charged back down stairs.

'Who's been in my room?' I roared.

Esme looked at me shock and confusion spread across he face and I knew it wasn't her. No I knew exactly who it was.

'All I ask is that you leave my shit alone' I shouted in uproar finding my dad sitting leisurely in the kitchen as usual not giving a shit.

He sniggered 'no Edward you ask for a lot more than that'

'what were you looking for huh?' I demanded knowing he would find nothing incriminating in there. I'm a little bit cleverer than that, after all my dad had said it him self, world class liar for a son.

'Oh Carlisle' sighed Esme

'I don't know Edward, some sign that you are not falling apart under this façade' he waved his hand gesturing at me.

'Fuck this' I turned on them both and left where I had only come back in through minutes before. I could feel my happy mood slipping and I wouldn't let them do that to me again. I would not sit in my room having an episode that my dad had caused. No way. So I got in my car and drove around town trying not to feel what I knew was inevitable.

Eventually I stopped pretending and parked on the side of the road, I frantically banged my fists on my steering wheel letting my frustration take over. When my eye caught sight of Charlie's police cruiser and I was reminded of a flippant conversation I had overheard at lunch. Emmett the dick seemed to have let down Bella on a promise to decorate her room.

I wondered if the reason I was in such a good mood today was because of Bella, maybe then she could drag me out of this bad one. Her dad wasn't home and she needed some help. Maybe helping her would help me.

I got out my car and ran across to the handy man store to buy a paintbrush before flooring it to Bella's.

It felt kind of awkward turning up uninvited but Bella seemed pretty happy to see me. We went straight up to her room and started painting until it was time to eat. As she was stepping down the ladder though she accidentally dropped her paintbrush splashing me with paint. It didn't bother me but as I looked up at Bella's terrified expression I realised she was waiting for my temper to erupt all over her. I could have just settled her nerves but what's the fun in that.

I had forgotten how cute she was angry, her trying so hard to be a firecracker and yet she always failed. I wrestled her onto the bed until she said sorry and once again it hit me like it had that night I had saved her, how easy it was to touch her. My hands wrapped round her wrists, my legs straddling her waist. Not single bit of anxiety or compulsion to pull away. I cursed when she surrendered because I wanted to hold onto it but lasagne was cooking and I had freaked Bella out enough.

Over dinner she continued to scowl like a bratty child and I couldn't help but smile at her stubbornness.

'so' I said through mouthfuls of her fucking beautiful lasagne ' I've confessed to being a crazy guy and you have agreed to be friends with thus crazy guy'

'you're not crazy Edward' she interrupted

'my point is, as such friend I think it is only right you make me feel less crazy by confessing something about yourself'

'what like? My own obsessive tendencies?'

'no, no it would only seem puny compared to myself. Just anything. Something no one else knows'

She looked at me and the smiley mask slipped. Had I actually become mike Newton? Was I fishing for information like a sneaky bastard? She blinked a few time before saying 'I'm not interesting enough to have exciting secrets'

'Bullshit. I mean everyone has something. Your just too used to pretending your boring and plain' I argued sick of her hiding behind this idea that she had nothing to offer the world.

She bit her lip and I felt kind of nervous myself, what is she confessed she had suicidal tendencies or was going through a sex change 'well you better keep this a secret' I nodded expectant 'At the end of last year, I was over at Emmett's and you may have noticed Rosalie doesn't really like me. Well she was being particularly bitchy so when I found her sleeping on his bed I kind of shaved her eyebrow off' she took her whole bottom lip into her mouth like a naughty child waiting to be rebuked.

'What?' I shouted 'your fucking lying' I said in disbelief there is no way sweet Bella swan took on the blonde bitch of forks.

'I did' she cried adamant 'she came to school the next morning in the worst mood possible and Emmett couldn't understand what had happened.'

'Bella Swan' I tutted shaking my head in disapproval 'you've got everyone fooled that you're so innocent' she looked at me hesitant, almost nervous that I might run off and tell on her 'give me your hand' I demanded and she timidly held it up to me across the table. I took it and shook it fervently 'never been so proud of you'

She giggled and snatched her hand back 'don't, I've never felt so guilty'

'Why?' I shrugged 'Rosalie had it coming if you ask me. What could she possibly have against you?'

She shrugged 'Alice seems to think its because I'm so close to Emmett'

'Jealousy' I guessed 'maybe she should blame her boyfriend who never stops fucking fawning over you'

She rolled her eyes and picked up the lasagne pot, no matter how much I tried to coax her into joining me in a Emmett bitchathon she never gave in. she poured some suds onto the pot before starting back up stairs. I quickly gobbled down the last few mouthfuls before joining her.

It was already eight so I knew we both had to rush with the painting before Bella's dad returned to a half finished room and me, the guy with the pending harassment case apparently.

By nine forty and very little talking we had finished painting her walls with two coats of purple paint.

I sat back on her bed exhausted but knowing it was all worth it as I watched Bella walk around her new room with a gleeful smile.

'you like it then?' I questioned watching her.

'I love it. thank you so much for helping' she bounced towards me her grin reaching her ears.

'So what do I get for all this hard work?' I questioned. She seemed to gulp just like those cartoons when their nervous 'I mean is it worth a hug?' I expected her to be relieved but instead she seemed to tense up more. I only asked because I was curious, I wanted to know if hugging Bella was possible. Had I become immune to my previous antsyness to touch?

'Yea' she stuttered and Goddamm tiptoed towards me. when had I become the fucking monster again? I only wanted a hug not the removal of her soul. She looked up at me waiting as if I would pounce so I snaked my arms around her waist and pulled her in but she was too strained to really embrace. It was like hugging a block of ice but still I was hugging someone and not freaking out. It was a fucking miracle.

I let go of her and smirked at the way her face held some unknown question as if 'was that okay?'

'I guess I should go. I'm dying for a smoke and it's nearly ten'

'I'll walk you out' she said following behind me.

Once we were outside I fished my cigarettes out, lighting it at my lips I closed my eyes and inhaled the beautiful smoke.

She shuffled her feet and I realised she was cold in the forks night air. I was almost sad to leave but I figured that was because I knew what I was going back to, it was a shame Bella wasn't the type of friend who could put me up for the night.

As if she read my mind she asked 'will you go back to Jaspers?'

'nah I figured I would just drive round for a hour and then go home when the parents are asleep'

'they that bad?'

'No Esme is great…its my dad who doesn't get it'

'What does he want you to do different?'

I ran my hands through my hair just the thought of my dad stressing me out 'he wants me drugged up on pills till I can't think for myself anymore'

'but why would you need pills?'

'err Bella where have you been? Crazy angry shouting in your face. I just know I can handle it in other ways'

'what ways?'

I huffed involuntarily annoyed by this topic not because of Bella but because of the struggles and people it reminded me of.

'Sorry' she apologised looking embarrassed 'I'm prying'

'No, its okay. Were friends its just I don't want to ruin my fucking great mood' I explained.

She nodded smiling lightly and I felt kind of an ass. But hey what's new?

'I should really get off' I stubbed my cigarette on her house wall 'ill see ya tomorrow'

She nodded 'bye, thanks again. I would still be painting now if not for you'

's'okay anything to get away from my dad' I shouted from inside my car as I closed the door.

She waved coyly as I backed out onto the road for a long nights drive unsure if I would go home at all.


	12. Chapter 12: To make you feel my love

**_chapter 12_**

_**To make you feel my love**_

* * *

Edward Cullen

I had the worst crick in my neck as I wrinkled out of my leather seat waking my self up from one of the worst night sleeps of my life. It was still pretty early, the roads a dessert land I glanced at my dash to see it was five o'clock. I groaned knowing there was no way I was going to curl back up and sleep on this uncomfortable seat so I rubbed my eyes awake and drove home.

Parents had obviously given up on any hope that I would come home tonight so both of them were curled up asleep when I got home. I could see through the creek of the door my dad's arm protectively wrapped around Esme and from this distance he seemed liked a decent guy. It was a damn shame he had to wake up the asshole.

I slipped into my room quietly shutting the door, for a moment I had forgotten the reason I had stormed out but there in front of me was my desk table everything in the wrong place. Bastards I cursed before I arranged it back exactly how I like it.

Now I could relax in a warm shower, thank fuck. The hot steam soothing away the reminder of my bad nights sleep. I was so relaxed I thought it about time I took care of little Edward. I wrapped my hands round my cock and gave it a few strokes before something dawned on me. Maybe I shouldn't waste my first orgasm in two weeks on a boring old wank job. Bella Swan had confirmed something very intriguing to me, I was no longer sensitive to touch. Not that it had fucking stopped me before but it makes the whole experience a lot harder if I'm telling the chick to not touch me while I have my dick inside her. My number one rule was stick to doggy, if I'm behind her she can't touch me and there's always something less Romanic about doggy style, I don't even have to look at her. So maybe I should use my new found openness to touch to fuck a girl properly, any fucking position I wanted, I still didn't care for the kissing and shit but if she wants a hug I guess I could do it without freaking the fuck out.

And I knew exactly who could fit the position, Bella had mentioned Jessica Stanley had developed a crush on me. I hadn't noticed it myself but today in science I could see how game she was.

I suddenly felt enthusiastic for school, I had a aim for the day and boy if I succeeded there would be some awesome results for me. I quickly dressed and left to pick Jasper up

By the time I had got to biology I had drawn up a few plans in my mind on how to seduce Jessica. I needn't have bothered because once I was sitting in our groups I realised how easy it was going to be. Bella was right, Jessica was nearly sitting in my lap for just looking at her. A simple smile sent her into a dithering mess.

'so Jess, we should hang out' I might as well get straight to the point, I didn't need to waste time on compliments with this chick.

Her mouth could have caught flies as she blinked at me bedazzled 'yes' she managed to stammer.

'after school?' I asked trying to suppress the smirk.

She nodded like some mindless zombie.

'okay meet me outside at the end of the day and we will go back to mine'

She grinned staring at me, it had never been so easy. In less than ten words I had secured a fuck. I turned back to the board and didn't even need to speak to her again, I wasn't sure if she could even speak anymore.

I waited for Bella at the end of science again because I knew it was the only time I could enjoy the company of my only other friend after jasper. She looked behind her today expectant and then smiled seeming happy to see me.

'How was your first night in your new room?' I asked joining her at her desk.

'amazing, I no longer feel like I'm living inside a traffic light'

'How was your night? I mean with the parentals' she asked concerned, I was amazed how quickly Bella seemed to give a shit about me. She reminded me of Esme, the way she just unconditionally cared about someone who really deserved none of it.

'fine, I just tell them to fuck off'

'Edward' she whined 'you don't really say that'

'hell yea I do. Sometimes you have just got to say fuck off'

She giggled this cute little laugh.

'so I saw Rosalie earlier and I accidentally let it slip about the eyebrow'

She slapped me lightly on the arm before I could finish 'don't even joke about that Edward, do you realise what she would do to me if she found out the truth'

'nothing, girls like that are all about image. She looks like a bitch but shed never step up and hurt anyone'

She shook her head serious 'you think that about people, you think you can trust them, that you know them but you can't really ever know anyone' suddenly it seemed we were no longer talking about Rosalie. Her face held such a sadness and I wished I understood why.

'that's bullshit' I argued 'I'd trust Jasper with my fucking life, I know him more than I know my god damn self most of the time'

She rolled her eyes condescendingly, 'okay what about Emmett, your best friend right? You don't trust him?' I barked unintentionally but angered by her stupid belief system.

'to a certain point but he still lets me down' she shrugged.

'Fucks sake Bella, everyone lets you down at some point' i growled.

'why are you getting so angry?' she pleaded.

'I don't know' I ran my fingers through my hair 'I just think someone like you should be able to believe in someone'

' someone like me?' she questioned.

'Yea, your so nice' I explained, the world seemed like a shitty place most of the time for me but I wanted Bella to have more.

She clicked her tongue looking away and I wondered what I had said.

'I should get to English before I'm late' she snapped throwing her bookbag on her back.

'Okay' I agreed but she was already halfway out the door. Jesus girls are hard to deal with.

I was impatient for the end of the day to arrive. It was a weird mixture of feeling great because i was going to get to fuck a girl for the first time in months but also extreme trepidation knowing that shit like this didn't come easy.

However it seemed like Jessica fucking Stanley had stood me up. I had made sure I was here on time but there was no sign of the bitch anywhere. I was naturally an impatient person but standing here like an idiot while everyone else left school was pissing me off even more. I pulled out my cigarettes, lighting one I let the smoke soothe me slightly until I saw Bella coming towards me. I didn't want Bella to see me with Jessica Stanley, I didn't want people thinking I was dating the chick, this was just a fuck situation. Jessica Stanley was one of the most annoying bitches I had ever met, dating her would be like putting my balls in a vice. I didn't date anyway all that intimacy shit wasn't for me. I should have asked her to meet me discretely by the car, everyone must know I drive the Volvo, it's the only decent car in the lot.

'hey' she waved as she approached 'you're normally straight out' she commented noting the way I was suspiciously hovering outside the school doors.

'Yea I'm waiting for Jaz, he has to speak to the coach' I said scrambling for my best lie which was actually pretty convincing.

'oh, I'm walking home but it looks like its going to rain' she pointed up at the grey rain clouds above us, it seemed like she might be hinting for a lift but I fucking couldn't offer now that I was pretending to drop Jasper home. Then I saw the cut on her arm, it was seeping dark blood and made me cringe just looking at it.

'shit, what happened to your arm' I said pulling her arm close so I could inspect it.

'oh stupid gym' she shrugged trying to pull her arm away, she looked slightly embarrassed by it but I couldn't understand why.

'it's really bleeding' I said while putting some pressure on the edges of her skin, I noticed she flinched 'and hurts it would seem'

'a bit' she admitted.

I let go and riffled through my bag until I found my kit.

'you carry a first aid kit' she giggled before she saw my expression and quickly tried to supress her humour.

'shut up' I chided now feeling like some stupid ass pussy 'my dad makes me, stunts like jumping in ponds can get you in some trouble'

'your dad knows you jumped in the pond' she questioned alarmed.

'yes' I laughed 'how do you think I explained my wet shitty appearance' I joked while cleaning up the shitty mess on her arm.

'oh' she smiled.

'he's a doctor as well, so as you can imagine he worries' I explained. I found a bandage and began wrapping her arm round. I placed the first aid kit on the floor by her feet so I could wrap it tight enough.

'wow he's doctor' she asked sounding all excited.

'it's not that interesting' I groaned then I looked up for a quick second to notice Jessica Stanley sauntering towards us, it looked like she had redone her hair and applied a shit load of make-up.

'fuck' I breathed too low for Bella to hear me before I spoke up 'I have to…err go' I put the piece of bandage in her other hand 'you can finish wrapping this right?'

She nodded confused as I hurriedly threw my bag on my back and began walking away before she could even ask me why the fuck I was walking off so fast or why I was leaving Jasper.

I had a feeling she was still watching me so I subtly motioned to Jessica as I approached to follow me with my finger. She did exactly that as she changed course and walked behind me until we were safely in the car park.

'why the fuck were you so late?' I barked thoroughly pissed off and barely even in the mood to fuck anymore.

'I was held up' she scowled, yea applying your fucking clown make up.

I opened the door and she followed even though I didn't ask her too.

She sat down in the chair smiling at me as I drove out of the school grounds but I didn't meet her eye contact. I lit up again realising this bitch stressed me out more than made me feel good.

'thanks for inviting me round' she said

'hmm' I responded not sure I was so grateful.

If it wasn't stressful enough that I pretty much hated this bitch and that soon I would have to try and fuck her but to add to the worry I had to try and get home before Esme so that I could sneak her into my room. I couldn't let Esme know I was this insensitive pig using some bitch to get myself off and Esme would know there was no way I would be looking for a relationship in this girl or any girl most likely. I started to seriously question why he fuck I had bothered.

When I finally pulled into the driveway I saw Esme's car wasn't there so I had probably made it just in time. I wish I could say that made me less tense but it didn't.

'quick' I urged at Jessica as I shuffled her upstairs.

'what's the rush' she smiled 'we've got all night' her attempt at seduction was failing miserably.

I closed the door behind me and starting undoing my shirt.

She laughed obnoxiously 'Jesus you really can't wait' cant wait to get this over with 'let me do that' she came towards me and starting rubbing her hands over my chest. She was already touching me more than I wanted. I needed to speed this up so I pulled her t-shirt over her head before moving straight to her jeans unbuttoning them 'get them off' I ordered moodily which she once again seemed to mistake for desire as she yanked her jeans off.

I did the same throwing my trousers to the side, she suddenly decided to throw me on the bed and I wasn't the one full of desire, she was. Her eyes looked hungry as she threw herself on top of me.

'fuck' I sighed regretting getting myself into this situation.

'yes' she moaned 'fuck me Edward' her lips seemed to be coming towards me and there was no way I was kissing this bitch.

I flipped her so she was underneath me, I needed to have the power in this situation. I hovered over her holding my self up with my hands but she curled her legs round my hips pulling me closer.

'don't be shy' she whispered.

Her hands wandered to my dick and at least we were moving on to the fucking. I fell on to my elbows grabbing her breast in my right hand. She started moaning but I could tell it was just faked like she had seen too many movies. I was trying, seriously trying to get into this but every time she would rub her hand on my cock I just wanted to slap it away. I closed my eyes, if I didn't look at her maybe I could just be normal and not think about this stranger I was touching. Maybe this was too much too soon, yes I had touched Bella but a quick hug was hardly the same as what I was about to do with Jessica. No matter how hard I tried, the anxiety was surrounding me. I felt blisteringly hot, I was sure I was sweating not that it put Jessica off but I was so close to an episode it was painful. My chest was constricting and the panting was only going to spur this bitch on more. Abruptly she did the one thing I was praying she wouldn't, her lips met mine and before I could even react her tongue invaded my mouth. I pulled myself back but her arms were wrapped around my torso. Her lips and arms suddenly released me and I jerked up looking at her fucking pissed off but instead of at me she was staring towards my door. Shit Esme I thought, but instead to my bewilderment stood Bella.

* * *

Bella Swan

He had basically called me boring, I knew exactly what nice meant it was boring and plain. The opinion that most people had of me and I was fine with it, I was happy to be ignored and waved off as plain, quiet old Bella but for some reason when Edward said nice I was furious. I wanted to be more than nice, I had even told him my Rosalie eyebrow story and yet I was still nice to him. Didn't that win me some interesting points? So I huffed, said nothing and walked away before I let myself get too worked up.

While sitting in English sulking over the nice comment I remembered why he had called me nice in the first place. Edward thought I should be able to trust someone, he was visibly angered by my belief that people should never be fully trusted. I knew what too much trust earnt you, I knew what believing in people, thinking you know them gets you and if I would remember one thing it would be that you can never know or trust a person fully. Maybe being too nice had earnt me that believe system too.

By gym I had simmered down and realised that it wasn't Edwards fault that I was just nice and taking it out on him was pretty fruitless, I hoped he hadn't noticed my mini strop.

I guess I was too much in my head or maybe because I was a useless klutz but while running track I slipped on the rain induced mud and felt a sharp sting on my arm. I looked down to see blood pouring from a nasty gash and a piece of bottle glass beneath me wedged in the mood.

'Bella!' I heard the teacher shout as she lifted me up 'straight to first aid' she ordered 'goddamn tramps drinking on the field again' she muttered as she scooped the piece of glass up with a tennis racket.

I didn't bother going to first aid though, instead taking a detour to the bathroom I washed my arm in the sink until the blood leak seemed to subside. I didn't want the fuss or the embarrassment of having to see the nurse again, I had already seen her 12 times last year and I wasn't about to start that tradition back up. She would always laugh at me condescendingly and say something like 'oh what have we done now Isabella' I groaned as I walked back to the changing rooms. I awkwardly forced my arm though my shirt and then rolled my sleeves up over the cut where a slight line of blood had formed. I quickly left so I wouldn't have to face my teacher or the rest of my class. I walked down to the front of school where I had agreed to meet Alice so I could lend her a could copy of my English notes. Suspiciously she had informed me she would be missing from English and would explain why later. Alice had been behaving weird for a while now so I didn't think much of it. I took a seat on the wall knowing I had ten minutes till school ended.

As the school unloaded their student population I noticed Edward standing unusually at the front door as if he was looking for someone. I guessed Alice would be late so I decided to go and say hello.

He didn't question where my bad mood had gone thank god but of course he noticed my cut which had decided to start oozing blood again. I blushed not wanting to explain my aversion to sports or all activities where I have to co-ordinate my arms and legs.

Sometimes I really can't understand Edward at all, how could someone so volatile be so nice. He pulled out his first aid kit which made his whole bad boy image shatter but then started wrapping my arm in a bandage. It was sweet having Edward wrap my arm, he had this caring lovely side until he abruptly pulled away. It was like he had been called away by someone because he couldn't get away fast enough. I stared at him baffled as he practically ran away from me, he had even left his first aid kit in-between my feet.

'hey Bella' chimed Alice dancing up from behind me with Jasper strangely in toe.

'Edward just left' I said.

'so' Alice scowled.

'doesn't he drop you home jasper?' I asked

'nah not tonight' he smiled at Alice 'al's giving me a lift home.

'Oookay' I replied 'can you drop me home too Alice, its going to rain'

'ermm well I'm actually dropping Jasper on hill avenue, could you walk from there?'

'sure' Alice unfortunately lived further the opposite side of forks.

We all squeezed into Alice's mini convertible, her closest attempt at a yellow Porsche, her expensive dream car.

It was kind of weird, Alice kept looking at jasper and I sort of felt as if I wasn't here. I was glad when we made it to hill avenue so I could escape the freaky atmosphere.

We said good bye to Alice and then me and jasper walked a few uncomfortable blocks.

'so you okay now?' he asked.

I looked at him confused unsure of what he was referring to.

'after Edward went psycho on your ass' he clarified

'oh' I said remembering that jasper was the one to pull Edward from his episode 'yeah no big deal' I tried to soften some of the pressure I had undoubtly put upon Edward.

'Edward is a good guy, he just has anger problems' he said it as if he had repeated the same line a millions times to a million different people. No wonder Edward trusted jasper, he was obviously someone who had always stuck by him unwaveringly.

I just nodded and smiled lightly. I didn't need convincing that Edward was a good guy.

'Speak of the devil' he joked. I looked but I couldn't see Edward.

'what?' I questioned confused.

'Edwards house' he pointed to a grey marble house with wooden panels' and huge open windows. I cringed at the thought that Edward had been in my shabby little house when he lived in this stylish mansion.

'wow' I said stunned.

'I know and the ungrateful shit would rather stay at my house'

'yeah but that's because of his dad' I said without thinking but as soon as it left my mouth I tensed up and looked at jasper. I wish I had something to shove in my stupid mouth.

'yea, how do you know that?' he questioned looking bewildered.

'well I imagine his parents would be quite angry with all the stuff their son does' I scrambled together some incoherent lie.

He nodded unconvincingly.

'I live down here' I pointed down some unknown road, I thought it would be best to get away now before I gave myself away completely 'so see ya'

'okay, see ya later' he said but I was already charging down the road.

I looked back after a minute and Jasper was of course out of site so I could return to the same street before I became utterly lost. I stood outside Edwards again and admired his beautiful house, I wondered to myself which room was his and what it would look like inside.

'you okay there dear?' I then noticed a woman holding a shopping bag had appeared on the drive. She had caramel hair in ringlets and a purple cashmere cardigan on.

'oh yes' I snapped out of my day dream feeling embarrassed and self conscious.

'are you a friend of Edwards?' I then realised this was his step mother, Esme. Should I answer that question truthfully?

'yes' I muttered and unfortunately she heard me.

'oh lovely' she smiled 'come on in'

'no, no I have to' I stuttered.

She interrupted 'Is that Edward's first aid kit' I looked to my hand which had been clutching the green bag, the white scarwlings noted gave it away.

'err yes' I mumbled.

'oh brilliant you have returned it' she linked my arm and lightly dragged me inside their house which was just as perfect inside. Everything looked brand new and so clean.

I followed her unsure into the kitchen where she began riffling through the fridge 'do you like root beer or coke or fanta or'

'coke would be fine' I answered nervously unable to stop myself from looking around.

She picked a long clear glass out of the cupboard and poured the drink inside it before handing it to me.

''Well he should be upstairs if you want to go up' she suggested. I looked at the stairs she was pointing at and then back to her in horror.

'no, no I don't want to disturb him' I cried.

'oh don't be so silly, he's left his bag so he must be home' she pointed to Edwards grey bag which lay outisde the front door.

I shook my head desperately wanting my feet to run to the door. I would look like some stalker weirdo who had tracked Edwards house down and just decided to intrude.

'bedroom at the end of the hallway' she smiled ignoring my very obvious aversions.

I slowly climbed the stairs having given up hope that Esme Cullen would let me escape. This was so awkward having to explain why I was randomly at his house.

I cursed when I saw that the door at the end of the hallway was closed, I hated having to announce my arrival. I knocked lightly but there was no reply. I put my ear to the door but it was silence, after one more unsuccessful louder knock I grabbed the door knob and let myself in.

Abruptly I froze, my eyes wide with shock for just a moment until they noticed me. Edward's shirtless torso seemed to blend into her also shirtless, braless completely naked body. Her leg was hitched around his waist, the only thing keeping his modestly safe was a pair of black boxers where my eyes seemed to wander without permission. I looked back just in time to see the faces which had previously been locked in a kiss were now staring at me. The girl Jessica Stanley seemed simply angry I had disturbed her where as Edward just stared mindlessly in shock. I suddenly became very aware of myself and that I was disturbing two people having sex. OH MY GOD! I dropped my coke, the brown liquid splashing all over his carpet. I looked back up and they both were still staring at me.

'I'm sorry' I stuttered 'I…go. Err….sorry' I shuffled my way out of the door but the door annoyingly timed seemed jammed and as I pulled fervently in my distress I fell backwards. I heard a shriek of girlish laughter before I got up and ran down the hallway just in time to hear Edward shout 'fuck'.

I saw the bathroom at the end of the hallway and threw myself inside. I was met with the mirror which revealed my cherry blushed face. I cringed before sliding down the door until I met the floor I pulled my knees up in shame.

'argh' I groaned while banging my head against the wood.

I stopped suddenly when I heard 'Bella'

'Oh God' I whispered.

'Bella can I talk to you?' he begged banging his hand against the door.

'No its okay' my voice seemed to shiver.

'I'm coming in' he announced.

I gasped in horror as I looked up and realised there was no lock on this door.

He pushed against he door but my body acted like a shield.

'Are you sitting in front of the door?' he moaned.

I pulled myself up and shuffled into the corner folding my arms.

He stepped in closing the door behind him. He still hadn't managed to put a shirt on but he had pulled on a pair of jeans. His belt buckle was still undone though so he held on to the top to keep them from falling down.

He scratched his head nervously and looked anywhere but at me.

We must have stood there for a minute before he finally spoke.

'how come you're here' he mumbled.

'I bought you your first aid kit' I replied which seemed like the stupidest reason ever. He nodded before we fell back into silence.

'You can get back to the sex' I finally snapped sick of being trapped in this awkward situation that I never wanted to be in in the first place.

His head shot towards me 'we weren't having sex' he denied quite defensively.

I scoffed 'I'm not ten years old Edward. The naked girl in your bed is probably waiting' I scowled.

'I sent her home' he mumbled.

I scoffed again and he looked at me questionably.

'When you're done with her she goes? How romantic' I answered sceptically.

'What is your problem?' he snapped 'its only Jessica Stanley'

'oh well treat her how ever you like then' I sarcastically retaliated fuelled by my own embarrassment.

'its none of your fucking business' he snarled. He was right I suppose, it was none of my business and jess wasn't someone for me to look out for 'I can fuck what I want'

In some sort of outer body experience where shame and anger rolled into one my hand met his cheek in a full blown slap.

His hand shot up cupping his red cheek while he stared at me mouth wide open eyes burning into me in shock.

I most likely mirrored his expression but my eyes were filled with hurt tears.

'What. The. Fuck.' he spoke.

I did my usual and tried to make a run for it unfortunately Edward was having none of it and grabbed my wrist.

'No Bella. What the fuck was that?' he growled.

I shrugged nervously.

'You don't know. You just slapped me and you don't know' he roared.

Much like the slap, I couldn't control the wild tears that erupted from within me at that moment. I could see through the blur that Edward now looked at me incredulously.

'how many times do you have to make me question you Edward?' I blubbed 'I'm trying to like you but you make it so hard when you say things like that'

He stared back at me shaking his head in dissaproval before he finally spoke. 'come here' he huffed before pulling me into his bare chest and wrapping his arms around me. I was encased against a naked chest, Edwards naked chest. I was suddenly aware of the unstoppable tears which were no doubt soaking onto him 'I'm a guy Bella, I'm allowed to be a horny pig sometimes'

'I can fuck what I want is not a horny guy, it's a jerk' I muffled into his chest.

'fine, but I've done worse. I can't believe you slapped me' neither could I, I don't know what came over me, except intense rage. Maybe it was disappointment in him again but truthfully I was spurred by something else, something that scared me because I knew how ridiculous it was but I felt what I'm sure was jealousy. I didn't want to be lying in that bed underneath Edward but I didn't want him to be there with Jessica Stanley either.

Wrapped around his arms resting on his chest I felt comfort again because I was the girl in his arms now and although being in someone as beautiful as Edwards arms made me feel clammy and nervous as hell I relished that I was here. I could really take in his scent that day aged aftershave and cigarette smell which sounded so unappealing but on Edward it made my eyes heavy.

'do you have this many fights with Jasper' I mumbled my sobs coming to an end.

'fuck no, we just play Nintendo and grunt over what to eat. Fucker certainly never slapped me' he moaned still incredulous

I pulled away reluctantly so that I could look at his face, there was a slight redness on his cheek of which I felt instantly guilty for 'there's not even a mark' I lied 'stop moaning'

'oh…i don't get a.. 'sorry Edward', just stop moaning' he scowlded like a petulant child which made me smile.

He lifted his hands to my face and wiped the tears from underneath my eyes in one swoop 'you're not going to hold a grudge then' I sniffed.

'no but Bella you can't get angry with me every time I do something you don't like. You're one of two people that I don't have to pretend with'

Hearing him say that made me want to melt, I was someone special to him and he didn't have many people like that in his world ' okay but I'm not going to pretend that you having sex with girls like they are worthless is okay'

He laughed 'well ill tell jasper about my sexual conquests'

I groaned in disgust 'you're proud to have Jess as a conquest'

'well thanks to you miss swan, we never made it far enough. You're what most males would call a cock block'

'is that what you would call me?' i asked.

'no in this case I think you actually saved me' he suddenly held his hand up 'Shh, I think my mom's coming upstairs' it was true I could hear footsteps on their way up 'come on' he took my hand and swiftly pulled me out of the bathroom. We ran across he hall until we were back at his bedroom, we stepped over the coke splattered mess and he shut the door behind him. He went straight to his draw and pulled out a white t-shirt which seemed to hug his chest perfectly.

Then there was a knock at the door 'Edward, why was there a girl walking out of our house a minute ago'

He went to the door and opened it 'lab partner, she needed to collect some notes I'd made' he lied like it was a profession, even I wanted to believe him.

'is that brown haired girl here' she poked her head and then saw me 'oh hello again'

He rolled his eyes 'yes Esme, this is Bella' it seemed I wasn't the only one who got embarrassed by parents.

'are you staying for dinner Bella?' she chimed.

I stayed silent biting my lip, not sure what was right to say.

Edward looked at me and then back to Esme 'okay but can you put your husband on a leash for at least tonight'

She shook her head and I could tell she was fed up of living with the Edward and his father drama. I suppose it is hard trying to be a mother and a wife to two people who refused to get along. Esme seemed lovely and I had no qualms with sitting at dinner with her however Edwards father already made me nervous without ever meeting him.

She left us alone again and Edward shut the door. He walked over to the bed and collapsed on top of it. I stood still and admired his room, only now could I notice the weirdness. His shelves were perfect, every single thing aligned in straight rows, his cd's were colour co-ordinated, every poster on his wall was the same distance apart. It was all too perfect and neat. I felt messy just standing here.

'come sit down' he said patting the bed beside him.

I chuckled 'I don't think I want to after what I witnessed taking place there'

'fuck off and come sit down' he groaned.

I walked over and perched on the end of the bed.

'so how exactly did you find out where I live stalker' he said kicking me lightly in the back.

'I'm not a stalker. Alice gave me and jasper a lift half way home because somebody else was too busy trying to get laid and jasper showed me where you lived' I protested.

'I'm not allowed to give you lifts anymore remember, it might be classed as harassment'

I rolled my eyes 'are you ever going to let that go?'

'no and now I've got slap to add to it' he moaned 'come sit up here'

I looked back at him patting the space beside himself.

I pulled my knees onto the bed and scooted up till I was next to him.

'happy?' I questioned.

'happy enough' he looked to the cut on my arm and picked it up 'how is it?' he asked inspecting it.

'fine' his fingers tickled my arm as it traced around the cut.

'Alice and Jasper are a weird couple don't ya think?' he spoke absentminded.

'what?' I questioned.

He looked up to my face 'I thought you could tell, they're secretly dating'

'no…since when?…how?' i almost shouted horrified that i had not noticed this before.

'fuck knows' he shrugged 'but they're not very good at keeping it on the down low…jasper practically drools over her at lunch'

'how did I not notice this?' I asked sitting up in shock 'why didn't Alice tell me? I can't believe she would keep this a secret from me'

He chuckled 'err Bella' he tapped me on the head 'you're keeping your own secret' he drew a circle around his head.

'only because you don't want people to know were friends' I scowled.

'don't say it like that' he scolded irritated.

'like what' I replied.

'like it's because I'm fucking ashamed or something. I'm the one with two friends remember' he replied with Edwards usual temper.

'oh please everyone still thinks your cool' i scowled bitterly.

'don't pull this bullshit with me Bella' I wrinkled my nose and he continued 'I'm not going to listen to your feel sorry for me shit because no matter how much you try to pretend your boring and nobody likes you. You have it made'

'nice' I muttered sliding my legs to the side of the bed.

'what?' he questioned.

'I'm nice, you said it yourself' i pointed out.

'I knew you were pissed off earlier. What the fuck is wrong with nice?'

'nothing it's what it implies' he rolled his eyes 'nice is boring and plain' i tried to explain

'seriously?' he growled 'this is why girls and guys don't make good friends. I will never understand the female species'

'thanks' I muttered.

'I try to pay you a complement and I get shit for it' he sighed.

'I'm just stating a fact' I objected 'I am boring'

'no you're mystifying' he huffed, folded his arms and closed his eyes and we were somehow done with our argument. I turned back round and we sat in silence for a few minutes before I felt his arms around my waist, he pulled my back down onto the bed until I was resting in his arms 'the only reason I want us to stay secret is because there are too many people who will try and convince you that you should stay away from me and I'm actually enjoying having you in my life' he spoke into my head before resting his lips in a soft kiss on my scalp.

I moved my hand up onto his chest and nestled under his arm, it felt awkward and comfortable at the same time.

I was so comfortable that I fell asleep! I was woken by Edward who was gently calling my name.

'oh god' I said 'did I fall asleep?'

'yeah its okay, my m…esme is calling us for dinner'

'oh right' I felt so embarrassed, had I been sleeping for long?. Had I snored? Oh god had Edward just been sitting there waiting for me to wake up?

I followed him downstairs and we met Esme in the kitchen as she strained some pasta 'hey guys, do you need a top up on your drink Bella?'

Edward chortled remembering my disastrous spill earlier 'yes please' I answered.

'Edward get her a coke' ordered Esme 'so what have you two been doing?'

'talking' answered Edward as he snapped a can of coke and handed it to me 'what's for dinner?'

'linguine vongole' she answered.

'it smells really nice' I smiled taking in the scent of oregano and garlic that wafted through the kitchen.

'Esme is a wonderful cook' I looked behind me to find the new voice that had ringed from no where to see what I believed to be Edwards father entering the kitchen. He had blonde hair and a white shirt, the collar looked like it had been undone after a long days work. 'Bella nice to meet you, Carlisle' he held out his hand to me and I took it feeling his warm firm shake 'such a nice surprise to have a visitor over for dinner' he had such a friendly smile, as wise as he seemed it held no condescendence.

'thanks for letting me stay' I smiled back

'come into the dinning room' he put his hand on my back and guided me into the dinning room where he then pulled out my chair. I took a seat and waited for Edward to join me but it seemed he had stayed in the kitchen.

'so Bella, how do you know Edward?' he questioned sitting opposite me.

'erm well I was his lab partner' I kept looking to the door wishing Edward hadn't left me alone.

'he's settling in well then?' he asked

'I guess so' I strained a smile, I knew that Edward and his father didn't get on so maybe I shouldn't be answering his questions.

'so do you live around here?' he smiled.

'nearish, I live on Belmont street with my dad' i replied watching the door with unease.

'just the two of you?' he asked.

'yep, he's chief of police'

'Charlie is your dad?' he questioned.

'yes you know him?' I questioned confused.

'not personally but his work brings him to the hospital a lot'

'oh yea, I forgot you're a doctor'

Finally we were interrupted by Esme who had obviously roped Edward into carrying some salad as he followed behind.

'what did we miss?' smiled Esme as she placed the steaming hot bowl of linguine on the table.

'oh not too much' chimed Carlisle.

Edwards face seemed hard as he took his seat next to me and I guessed it was because of his fathers presence. I don't know what I expected Carlisle to be like but the way Edward had spoke about him I was sure he wouldn't be the smiley normal father that sat in front of me.

'Are you friends with Jasper too Bella?' questioned Esme as she served out the pasta.

'No' Edward spoke up 'she's just mine' I hated myself for liking the way he said mine.

'They are lab partners' continued Carlisle.

'I thought that girl that was here earlier was your lab partner' Esme said confused

'we have been put into groups now but we were partners before' I quickly said covering up.

Edward's eyes stayed focused on the untouched pasta in front of him, I wanted him to relax but he looked so tense and unnecessarily angry. I reached my hand underneath the table and grabbed his hand holding it in mine he suddenly looked up and met my eyes. I smiled trying to reassure him or calm him. His jaw relaxed and he squeezed my hand before smiling back at me. For the first time I had been allowed to save him.

'great pasta' smiled Edward at Esme while taking a mouthful of linguine.

'yeah thanks its so tasty' I agreed.

Esme smiled to herself bashfully.

'I'm surprised you never mentioned the lovely Bella before Edward' joked Carlisle

Edward let out a gush of air before speaking 'well we haven't seen too much of each other lately have we dad?'

His dad nodded 'I sometimes worry about my son but I see he's making some good friends at that school' I smiled wishing Edward could see what I could. Carlisle was just another caring father looking out for his child.

Esme and Carlisle chatted between themselves until dinner was over, i was relived that the questions were no longer focused on me. After carrying the remnants of our meal into the kitchen, Carlisle suggested that Edward should take me home and once again Edward seemed angry as he barked 'yes i was going to'

Edward led me out to his car and I slid in.

'you can drop me at the top of the road so my dad doesn't see us' I suggested.

'yea sure…look sorry about my dad' he apoligised

'what are you talking about… he's lovely' I tried to say.

He scoffed 'yeah when guests are around'

'Edward he obviously cares about you' i sighed.

'don't Bella okay…just try and stay on my side will you?'

'sides? you're my friend I'm just saying' I reasoned.

We drove the rest of the way in silence until he stopped at the top of my road like I asked. I sat back looking at him.

'I enjoyed tonight' I mumbled but when he didn't respond I popped open the door. Just as I was about to step out he took my hand and I stopped.

'thanks' he whispered.

I smiled lightly 'goodnight' and squeezed his hand before walking down to my house.

* * *

Aww theyre starting to get closer. Thanks to all who put my story on the favourite lists, don't forget to add to alerts so you know when there is a new chapter. Please comment, you're comments make me happy especially the person who threatened to turn into the hulk if i didnt update. =D


	13. Chapter 13: learning to breathe

**Chapter 13**

**Learning to breathe**

**Edward Cullen**

As I sat in his study, waiting for him to begin on what I believed would be another attempt to force me into his way, there was only one person I could think off.

Bella swan was my key, I had assumed or maybe just hoped that I was getting better, miraculously healed but instead it was Bella. It was her touch that I was immune to. When she lay asleep in my arms, when I pulled her into an embrace and when she took my hand at the dinner table, I didn't feel anxiety, I felt comfort. For the first time in years I had been able to be close to someone, to touch them, feel their skin and warmth. When I said goodbye in the car I needed to check one last time that I wasn't imagining it all so I grabbed her hand but once again I felt nothing but contentment. Bella had been my friend for a few weeks and yet I touched her with such ease and yet still I couldn't hug Esme who had been the most loving person in my life. I had never believed in kismet, that was for fucking hippies but how could I not question that fate had somehow brought us to meet, however strange the circumstances.

Maybe I would never fuck a girl the way I had planned with Jessica Stanley but knowing there was someone in this shitty world who could take my hand at the dinner table when I'm stressing out felt unbelievably better.

It was hard with a revelation like this to not let my OCD take rain, I knew how much I feared that I might fuck up and Bella would back away. My compulsion was no longer having her believe I was good, it was making sure I didn't fuck up. There was already so much pressure on me to make it at this school and now Bella's friendship just added incentive.

My dad eventually brought me back out of my reverie as he entered the study, he closed the door behind him most likely so he could shield Esme from another argument. He took a seat in his chair, shuffling a few papers while he decided what to say.

'Edward, maybe I have been a little harsh with you' he started, I almost fell of the chair to hear my dad loosely admit he was wrong.

'Jesus Christ' I said.

He sighed before continuing 'Instead of jumping down your throat about the pills maybe I should have discussed with you your…altered methods and assessed how you were doing at school'

'is this a joke? What's brought this on?' I questioned incredulous. My dad thought he always knew the right way.

'well while you were dropping Bella home, me and Esme had a chat and well were impressed. Bella is obviously a smart sensible girl and to be honest Edward she is a testament to how well you must be doing in school'

'oh I see' I chortled 'how could my fuck up son be friends with that girl'

'In truth, yes a little bit…if you were falling apart I don't suppose Bella would be your friend'

I scoffed 'nice believe system you have there dad'

'I'm not trying to put you down son, your recovery is completely down to you and so is how you go about keeping it together. That's why I'm willing to let you not take the pills but you continue with therapy and you come to me if anything happens. If you dare bottle things up again like last time Edward I will drive you down to mead way myself' mead way was the hospital/school I had basically been imprisoned in for the past few years and my own personal hell.

'okay' I muttered pretty pissed off that he always hung that goddamn threat over my head but at least he was giving me a say. I wouldn't attend therapy but I had that secret covered. While my argument with my dad was over for now I knew how hard I was going to have work to keep him placated.

I went to my room and lay back on my bed, as I nuzzled my pillow I noticed it smelt different. Shampoo, delicious coconut shampoo where Bella had lay her head after one of our many disagreements. I knew I had upset Bella when I called her nice but who could guess its because nice has some ulterior meaning which sends women into horrific moods. For some reason Bella couldn't see what was blindingly obvious, her friends adored her. Emmett would barely let her out of his sight, Alice was willing to take me on to protect her, I had decided that Rosalie was jealous of her and even mike Newton the prick fancied his chances. Here I was clutching on to two friends so I was allowed to be pissed at her stupid disregard for how lucky she was.

I picked up jasper bright and early the next day, lately he had been pretending he didn't need a lift but by now I had worked out that was just code for Alice is picking me up. I had now let Bella into their secret relationship and by her obvious anger I had a feeling it wouldn't be secret for long. I had first noticed when Jasper slipped at lunch.

Alice had begun monopolising the conversation as she usually did, I think most people had learned to drown out some of her ramblings and so they didn't notice but my OCD often made it hard for me to ignore the things I really I wanted to.

'so I was listening to the radio all night for this competition and then they decide to air it when I give in and take a toilet break. So I run in and this stupid girl wins and she isn't even a fan of Muse. They were like…what's your favourite song and it took her 2 minutes before she decided. I just hate it when people like that win'

'well judging by the amount of posters of your wall Alice, no one could be a bigger fan that you' Jasper joked not realising that he had just given himself away.

When had Jasper Hale been in Alice's room I thought. Then I realised I wasn't the only one still listening to Alice's ramblings, Jasper was too because he actually enjoyed listening to this pixie. After that every time they looked at each other, every time they brushed arms, every time they were in distance of each other I could tell that these two people were attracted to each other.

I didn't share Bella's feeling of betrayal that she had not been let in on their big secret. I couldn't give two shits if Jasper told me he was getting it on with the pixie. I didn't even care that I had lost my wingman for finding girls because after the Jessica fiasco I was taking a break from chicks.

I pulled into school and noticed Bella standing outside the front door with a hard expression, I could tell exactly who she was waiting for and I chuckled at the thought of ferocious Bella.

'what?' questioned Jasper stumped by my sudden sense of humour.

'oh nothing. I won't be needing to crash at yours so much now Jaz, me and my dad have come to an understanding'

He chuckled incredulously 'does that mean he's fell for your bullshit again'

I shot him a smile.

'God you're such a sneaky fucker, I don't know how you do it' he shook his head.

'you're not so bad yourself' I replied hinting at his little Alice Brandon affair.

'huh?' he questioned, I should have known the dumb ass wouldn't figure I would know about his secret.

'oh nothing' I grinned

'I don't like you when you're in a good mood' he shook his head and propped himself up on his elbows.

'how do you know I'm in a good mood' I asked

'normally you're too self involved to piss me off' I guess that was true, I spent a whole lot of time self deprecating 'so what's made you so happy…is it your dad finally off your back?'

I don't know what made me feel so contented, maybe just for once nothing was going wrong for me 'yea yea my dad' I agreed.

We went to gym together, Jasper had assured me weren't doing hockey anymore after my fucking disastrous attempt last time. Since then coach had obviously taken a strong disliking to me and I really considered using the OCD card but then I figured even that wouldn't get me out of gym.

It was soccer, I sighed in relief especially when team leaders were chosen as Jasper and mike. It was three aside so i was defiantly secured a place in jaspers group. He chose Emmett after me, while mike chose Tyler and Eric.

Emmett insisted we had a group meeting before we played, the only trouble with being in Jaspers and Emmett's group was that they actually cared about shit like sports.

'okay' began Emmett rubbing his hands together 'no way am I getting my ass whooped by fucking Newton'

'yea we can take them easy, ill be striker, Emmett defence obviously and Edward you can be goalie'

'ha-ha yea no way mike will take me on, he'll probably surrender the ball to me' Emmett chortled before looking at me 'you in Cullen or you gona be busy worrying bout getting your clothes dirty?'

'fuck off Emmett' I retorted rolling my eyes

'he's in' sighed Jasper. Truthfully I did have some want inside me to beat mike, he was such a smug slimy bastard.

'well let's get on with it' shouting Emmett as he took his position.

Jasper met mike in the middle as they rallied for the ball.

Being a goalie was a piece of cake and I understood why they had chosen me for such a role. Emmett kept the ball away from me, his prediction that mike would never take him on was true so the ball stayed up their end. I laid back against the goal post and watched as jasper booted in a goal.

However by the last couple of minutes of the second half my relaxed attitude was tested when Emmett uncharacteristically let the ball out of his sight and to mine and mikes surprise, mike dribbled the ball right past him and was headed towards me. Shit.

I took my position in the centre of goal, waiting for Jasper to snag the ball of him but it seemed mike had developed some confidence and was scooting closer to the me. Shit I was really going to have to try and save this goal. Finally mike lifted his foot and slammed it into the ball sending it towards me. I dived towards it, flying through the air until I eventually collided with the ground. That's when I heard it.

Gleeful shouts of 'yessssssssssssss' erupted from above me and as I raised my head I saw Jasper and Emmett running towards me with their hands in the air.

I looked down at myself in bewilderment to see the ball safely perched in my arms. 'No fucking way' I muttered before Jasper lifted me up off the ground.

'you legend' he cheered patting me on the back.

'Cullen I might not like you but that was a fucking awesome save' grinned Emmett.

Coach blew the whistle signalling the end of the game and Emmett and Jasper erupted into cheers again. I looked around at Mike's glum face and I suddenly felt something, pride. I ran over to Jasper and joined them in their obnoxious celebrations knowing that in some part I had won this game and it felt damn good.

I had obviously gained some Emmett respect because when I joined the group at lunch instead of his usual scowl I received a nod. I didn't give a shit if Emmett had changed his opinion of me but it did perplex me how easy it had been to shave off some of all that residual hate.

Bella wasn't at lunch today weirdly but Alice was, I hoped they hadn't had a bust up because of the Jasper/Alice affair. I guess telling each other about relationships was another girl thing I just didn't' fucking understand. I scanned the canteen in case she had been banished to another table but she was no where to be found. I would have asked but I didn't want to give myself away as easily as Jasper had a few days earlier.

**Bella**

Alice Brandon had been my friend for far too long to keep a secret like this from me. She had a boyfriend and he was Jasper Hale, how could I have not noticed this. I was beyond angry with her because I couldn't't think of one reason why she would keep this a secret with me. A lot of things suddenly made sense though, the sudden need to sit at a table with jasper Emmett and Rosalie for one.

I had planned to confront her, ask her what her problem was but as soon as I saw her approaching me outside the school doors I changed my mind. Maybe Alice was waiting for the right moment to tell me in good time maybe she would reveal everything to me especially if I gave her a little push.

As we sat down in English I tried to conceal my irritation while also doing some unashamedly bad hinting.

'You know Alice, I think you and Eric could hit it off' I cringed at how stupid I sounded.

Alice raised her eyebrows and glanced at Eric before back to me 'are you serious?'

'yes, he's funny and erm…charming'

She chuckled 'oh Bella, you are weird sometimes'

'I think it's about time you had a…man in you're life' I wasn't very good at this girl talk so I think I had resorted to using lines from movies.

'oh you do?' she poked me 'well what about you missy?'

I blushed and shooed her hand away 'don't you want a boyfriend…or do you have someone in mind already?' I had gone straight in for the kill, I held my breath hoping to death I hadn't been to blindingly obvious.

'No thank you' she shook her head adamantly 'trust me Bella, more trouble than their worth'

I gritted my teeth in frustration as she began copying down our teachers scribbles off the board. She had completely and outrageously just lied to my face. Why was she keeping this stupid secret from me?

I huffed and turned my chair away from her. She whispered my name a few times during the lesson but I pretended to be to engrossed in writing. I didn't want her to know I was mad with her but I also didn't want to speak to her right now.

I said goodbye after English so to not make it too obvious before departing for my next lesson. I stopped off at my locker to change books when I got a tap on my shoulder. I turned round to see Jessica Stanley standing behind me both hands on her hips, this time fully clothed.

'Jess' I stated. Me and Jess had been casual friends up until my time off last year, when I returned to school she had become friends with Tanya Denali which had obviously changed her. She occasionally would shoot me a smile when Tanya wasn't around but she had clearly joined the dark side.

'so that was weird yesterday wasn't it?' she said while flicking her hair. I had figured Jess might want an explanation as to why I turned up a Edwards house yesterday.

'Yeah sorry for disturbing you' I apologised and resumed collecting my books.

'I didn't know you knew Edward Cullen' she questioned wanting more information.

'I don't…not really…he just wanted some help with his math work but I guess he forgot we had scheduled a meeting' I stuttered never being good at lying no matter how carefully I prepared.

She chortled condescendingly 'oh for a minute there I thought you were friends' she rolled her eyes 'I can be so stupid sometimes'

I forced a smile.

'You won't tell anyone about us will you?' she questioned picking her perfect pink nails.

'no, why' I replied

She rolled her eyes 'well Tanya kind of already claimed him' she looked behind her before whispering 'but by the way he was ripping my clothes off I don't think she stands a chance'

I turned towards my locker again because I didn't think I could force a smile this time. I had an unbelievable urge to tell her we were friends and that he didn't like her but in truth I had seen for myself that he had ripped her clothes off and it made me feel sick.

I peeped behind me but she was gone. If he started dating Tanya, I couldn't be his friend, I wouldn't be able to stand it. All the spiteful vindictive little things she had done to me and she gets to go out with Edward. It wouldn't be fair. How could I be friends with someone who thought she was good company?

I didn't go to the cafeteria at lunch, instead I went underneath the science block where me and Alice would often meet before she got herself a boyfriend. It was my secret place where no one else knew about and I could wallow in its abandoned emptiness. I was avoiding Alice because she refused to tell me about Jasper and I was avoiding Edward because I didn't like the pangs of jealousy I was experiencing lately over Tanya and Jess. He had every right in the world to sleep with and date who ever he wanted so I had to make sure I reigned in my ridiculous feelings. I had liked that me and Jasper were the only people in his life but it was unfair to try and keep him that way. He had moved to a new school so within time he would defiantly make more friends but I just hoped that didn't make our friendship recyclable.

I made it to maths early so I removed my pen and books and scribbled while I waited for Mr Varner to begin. I heard the onslaught of people enter the class but I kept my head down until I felt someone's hand sweep mine momentarily. I looked behind me to see it was Edward who was now taking his seat, he shot me a crooked smile that almost immediately made me feel slightly better.

Luckily it was an uneventful maths lesson, no Mr Varner or Tanya Denali run ins and when I left the classroom Edward was leaning against the wall waiting for me.

'Why weren't you at lunch?' he questioned like an angry teacher. I was glad my absence didn't go completely unnoticed.

I shrugged 'did I miss anything?'

'ha, with those boring bunch of losers. You didn't have an argument did you?'

I shot him a look 'with who?'

'Alice, I figured you had given her hell'

'oh' I shook my head 'no, if she doesn't want to tell me then she doesn't have too'

He squeezed my waist from behind me 'Bella, don't take it so personal. Maybe she's embarrassed to be fucking that idiot'

I gawped at him 'you think they've had sex?' I demanded.

'shit. Have I just made it worse?' he frowned.

How could she lose her virginity and not tell me. I figured she would tell me before and after but to not tell me at all.

I huffed and began walking towards the exit 'I just don't get it…she used to tell me everything'

'how about I take you somewhere and take your mind off both of our best friends disgusting betrayals' he smirked.

I shrugged 'where?'

'It's a surprise. Some shits gone down that I need to fill you in on'

I smiled 'okay' and then followed him to his car.

'so what's happened?' I questioned him while he drove me.

He smirked 'Emmett happened'

'oh please Edward' I moaned expecting another tale of fights and arguments.

'shush will ya? Let me finish before you go jumping to conclusions. It might actually please you to know that your friend seems to have warmed to me ' I rose my eyebrows sceptically 'I'm serious'

'how have you managed to get Emmett to like you?' I asked disbelievingly.

'hey I didn't say like, he has just toned down some of the hate. It might have something to do with Someone saving a goal and winning the football match for our team' he kept his mouth tight trying not to smirk but I could see that Edward was actually beaming from this accomplishment. It made me smile seeing him light up because I could tell moments of pure glee were rare in him.

'Edward that's brilliant' I replied overemphasising how proud I was.

He shrugged trying to conceal that it meant something to him.

'so does this mean no more punch ups?' I asked.

He chortled in reply. I always found myself looking at Edward and wondering how the happy person I saw could ever be the same person who broke into such murderous rages.

We past a few roads I hadn't been down before until Edward slowed down outside a smallish white house made of wooden panels with red shutters and doors. It was a beautiful, it looked like a family house.

He turned the engine off and shot me a smirk before stepping out the car, I followed suit slightly confused. He headed towards the gate at the side of the house before turning to me holding out his hand. I stared at his gesture sceptically.

'ill give you a lift up' he explained.

'what? I'm not breaking into someone's house' I exclaimed taking a few steps back.

'Yeah Bella I thought we could commit a burglary together' he rolled his eyes 'Just trust me will you, no one lives here'

'It's still trespassing' I cried incredulously.

He took a deep frustrated breath before grabbing the top of the gate and swinging his legs over until Edward was now on the other side of the gate.

'edwa' I began before looking around to see if anyone else had caught him 'oh my god' I whispered to myself. I so desperately wanted to walk away but my stupid inner brain was weighing up the idea that no one had seen Edward jump over the gate and nobody lived here to care if we did anyway. Maybe I had a responsibility to go with Edward just in case he did something bad, maybe I would be doing a neighbourly good citizen thing by following him or maybe I was just too God damned smitten that Edward wanted me there to care.

I cautiously approached the gate as if a ferocious dog lay in waiting, I surveyed the best tactic to get over the fence since I had stupidly refused Edwards lift before taking one last check for nosey neighbours. Then I went for it, I jumped on top of the dormant dustbin and ran up the wall before quite shamelessly flinging my body over the gate. I landed in the most unlady like position on the floor with my legs arched in the air and thanked God I wore jeans. I looked up to see Edward leaning against the wall, his hands in his jeans smirking casually.

'you see that's why you accept the lift' he goaded.

'oh shut up' I groaned brushing myself downwards 'if I get arrested'

'what?' he approached me 'what exactly will you do miss swan?'

I ignored him, walking past until I entered the garden. It was slightly wild, mostly because the grass hadn't been cut in a long time but there were still flowers littered amongst the green. I looked back to Edward but he was admiring the garden just as I was.

'Are we having a picnic?' I asked sarcastically.

'Do I look like the kind of guy who prepares fucking picnics?' he snorted 'come one' he urged as he gestured for me to follow him. We went past a giant tree which split up the middle of the garden but also obscured what Edward had planned to show me. At the end of the garden was another giant sycamore tree which held in its long wild branches a small wooden cabin.

'A tree house' I exclaimed feeling like a nine year old again.

'Edward started climbing the rickety homemade ladder'

'Is it safe Edward?' I questioned.

'We will soon see' he shouted quickly disappearing inside the house.

Once again I blindly followed Edward up the ladder until I was inside the cramped tree house. I sat down on the floor opposite Edward and admired the things left behind from some kids childhood, nickelodeon posters and a few toy figurines.

'Aww this is so cute' I sighed.

Edward chuckled 'okay so imagine, a ten year old me and a ten year old Jasper fighting over who should be the tree house president'

'you lived here?' I asked surprised 'you could have told me when I was having a crisis of conscience'

'Yeah but didn't it feel good doing something bad?' he winked and I couldn't help the smile that crept up revealing that yes it defiantly felt good.

'so why doesn't anyone live here? it's a really nice house and what kid wouldn't want a freaking tree house' I asked looking out at the abandoned garden.

'because we still own it' he shrugged fiddling with his childhood transformers figure.

'why?' I questioned.

'it's the house I grew up in, it would be like throwing away you're baby books'

'hardly the same thing Edward' I disagreed.

He shook his head and took a breath 'I guess I made my dad keep it because…it felt like the last thing I had of my mom…you know my dad started getting rid of things. First it was her clothes, then photo's started disappearing and then when he wanted to move out of the house…it was the last straw' he closed his eyes and the whole moment seemed too intimate for me to be part of 'we dealt with her death in different ways, he wanted to remove all memory and I wanted to cling to it. So I can come here when ever I want and remember her'

'I'm sorry Edward, I never asked about your mom' I admitted never taking much notice that Esme was not his mother.

'She had breast cancer, she died a long time ago'

'but it never goes away' I finished the sentence knowing he wouldn't.

'I'm kind of ruining the coolness of my tree house' he sighed.

'no you're not' I argued 'it's nice to hear things about you'

He suddenly looked at me and I wondered what I had said.

'I wish you were a little more open about yourself' he frowned.

I crinkled my eyes unsure what he meant 'well what do you want to know?'

'nothing in particular, but I have told you about my OCD and my mom and I guess I wondered if there was anything you kept close to your heart' It seemed like Edward did have something in particular in his mind and I suddenly felt a bit self conscious ' just it might make me feel less of a freak'

'Sorry nothing to share' I looked away from his eyes, it was hard lying to him knowing just how much he had shared with me but no amount of secrets made it safe for me to share mine. When I looked back I was thankful to see his focus was no longer on me but staring longingly out the small wooden window 'Isn't it painful being here?'

I seemed to pull him from a thought 'huh? Oh yeah but it's like a good painful. I imagine its like those people who cut themselves, it feels good to feel the pain reminds me I still feel something strong enough to tear me in two'

'Edward, I do have things…things that I keep close to my heart but I can't tell you. I know that's not fair, it's selfish, you let me in all the time but I just can't be like you. I like having someone that doesn't know, doesn't look at me in that way that everyone else does'

'how do they look at you?'

'like I'm falling apart'

'Bella you know I wouldn't judge you. I couldn't give a shit what's happened' he attempted to touch my hand but I pulled away.

'When did your dad meet Esme?' I could tell as our eyes met that he understood I didn't want to discuss it and so he nodded.

'When I was thirteen'

'didn't you mind?'

'oh believe me, I tried. I tried so hard to hate that woman but could you imagine finding anything wrong with Esme'

'She is lovely' I agreed.

'you know you never told me why you weren't at lunch today?' he squinted his eyes. I thought I had cleverly escaped his questioning earlier but obviously not.

'I was hiding because I was angry'

'Bells, don't be pissed off at Alice, she will tell you eventually'

'its not just Alice I was angry at…I was kind of angry at you'

'what?' he exclaimed.

'It's not really your fault but Jess told me that Tanya Denali had claimed you and I sort of… I hate Tanya. She's horrible and the thought that you would like her made me furious. I know that's stupid and I don't have the right to question who you date but I couldn't help it' I finished my hurried ramble and peeped up to see Edward scratching his head.

He let out a low laugh 'I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks Tanya is a pissy little bitch'

'what?' I breathed relieved.

'She's the blonde in Maths right? God she never shuts her fucking mouth. I would never date her just like I would never date Jess. I have some taste you know'

Now I chuckled 'sure you do'

'I do. I've never had a girlfriend for the simple reason that girls are annoying'

I was surprised to hear Edward had never had a girlfriend, that just seemed impossible. I bit my lip 'Maybe you just haven't met the right girl yet'.

'Maybe' he smiled. He pulled himself up from the floor 'I should get you home'


	14. Chapter 14: Trust

**Chapter 14**

**Trust**

**Edward**

'Secrets out' I couldn't help feeling a little uncomfortable sitting on Jaspers bed knowing what had probably taken place here with the pixie.

'huh?' he mumbled as he strummed his guitar.

'I know about your woman' I shouted over his music.

'My what?' he shouted back.

I jumped off the bed and approached Jasper, grabbing his guitar off him 'I said I know about Alice'

'What about her?' he ruffled his eyebrows in the most unconvincing cover up I had ever seen.

'Come on Jaz, its me you're talking too' i cojoled

He stared at me for a moment before succumbing 'fine, how the hell did you know?'

'Erm the dribble hanging off your chin whenever she's in the room' I joked.

'Really? Am I that obvious?' he asked in surprise.

'Nah not to most people but I don't get it, why are you keeping it a secret?' I questioned.

'We've only been dating 3 weeks, it's not really a secret, we just haven't gone public yet' he shrugged.

'oh…well maybe its time to go public' I suggested.

'why?' he replied.

'Girls, that's why. Girls have these rules Jaz and one of those rules is don't keep secrets from your best friend' he looked at me like I had just stepped out of crazy town 'Bella knows about you two and she's kind of pissed at Alice. so you know... maybe you should just convince Alice to tell Bella'

'Wait a minute….back up…why do you care about Bella? No actually why are you even talking to Bella? Last time I saw you talking to Bella, you were ripping her head off in the Art room'

I sighed 'Were sort of friends'

'Friends?' he questioned sceptically.

'yea what's wrong with that?' I replied

'Come on Edward, you don't exactly do friends' he argued.

'Bella's different' i shrugged.

'how so?' he questioned.

'She knows about the OCD' i admitted.

'you told her?' he exclaimed.

'Yea, after I went ape shit in the art room I felt she deserved an explanation'

'Jesus and she's cool with it' he continued.

'It's not a disease Jaz' I uttered.

'I know, of course not. I just mean girls are weird about shit like that' he tried to act calm but the fact that i had let someone new into my world shocked him.

'well as I said, Bella's different' I repeated.

He raised his eyebrows 'Cool, so you two just hang out?'

I shrugged 'yeah, I took her to the tree house the other day'

'You really took her there?' his voice rose in surprise.

'What's the big deal about that?' I asked.

'Edward, it's your moms house. You don't take anyone there' he said amazed.

'Bella's not anyone. I can trust her' and as I said it I knew that I really believed it. I no longer feared that Bella would let me down.

'Obviously but you should watch what you're doing around her, Bella has a lot of people looking out for her, she's pretty fragile'

'thanks Jaz but I think I can handle it' I snapped angry that he of all people had to warn me off 'I have to get going but can you try and persuade Alice to tell Bella, its for her own good trust me'

He nodded reluctantly picking his guitar back up.

Once back home, I went to chill out in my room, I was half way through a film when I was called downstairs by a frantic sounding Esme.

' Edward, come to get the phone' Esme looked worried as she held up the telephone to me.

'Hello?' I answered.

'Edward? Its Bella' Bella's voice sounded unusually frenzied.

'Bella, how did you get my number? Are you okay?' I asked letting some of Esme's worry creep up on me just by the sound of her voice.

'I…think…I don't…shouldn't speak to you anymore' she whispered a sob seeping in at the end.

'Bella? What's wrong?' I asked panicked.

'Not a good idea' I could hardly hear her through her breathless cry's.

'Bella? Speak up. Tell me what's wrong. Remember what I said you can tell me anything' i tried to persuade.

'I'm not good' she suddenly took a deep breath and then barely even audible she whispered 'for you' before the dial tone ringed as she hung the phone on me. I stared at the telephone and Esme who had been watching in awe.

'Is everything okay?' her eyes rose.

'Just don't mention this to dad please. Ill be back in a bit'

I grabbed my coat and keys.

'No Edward, tell me whats going on... I might be able to help' but I was already out of the door and in my car. I had only once heard Bella's voice like that and it was after she had been attacked, that night when I found her screaming was edged in my brain. I dreaded to think what was wrong with her and why that meant she didn't want me around.

I had sped slightly until I was outside her house, chief Charlie's cruiser wasn't in the front yard which at least meant I didn't have to explain why I was harassing his daughter again.

I knocked a little hard and fast on the door, impatient to see if she was all right.

'Bella' I shouted when there was no reply.

I knocked again roughly 'It's Edward'

'why have you come here?' finally she replied her voice sadly monotone from behind the door.

'Let me in' I ordered frustrated slightly by the scary unknown.

'Just please go away' she sounded drained.

'Have I done something?' I begged.

I heard a sob 'No'

'Bella open up please' I tapped the door 'you're scaring me, let me just see that you are all right and then I will go'

'I'm fine' she mumbled.

'Then let me see it for myself' I argued.

The sound of a lock unbolting and then the door slowly creeping open until Bella's flushed tear stained face appeared.

'Bella!' I exclaimed pushing the door wide so I could see her fully.

'Now go' she ordered backing away from me as I tried to embrace her, something I found so natural and yet she wouldn't allow me. I shut the door behind me.

'You promised' she shouted.

'if you were all right, you're clearly not' I argued.

She threw her hands up to her face shielding herself 'why can't you just be horrible to me like you used to be' she groaned kicking the wall.

'Why would you want me too?' I asked.

'So it isn't so hard to tell you that were not good for each other' she replied.

'Really and why have you suddenly decided this?' I reasoned with her crazy logic.

'I just have' she mumbled looking away.

'You were just lying in bed and you suddenly decided you hated me' i stated.

'No!' she grabbed her hair 'I don't hate you Edward, I'm doing this for you' her frustration was clear.

I took her hand and lead her to the couch sitting her down 'Bell's, you don't make any sense. Just explain it from the beginning'

I wanted so much to wipe her eyes but I knew she wouldn't let me 'I can't, he' she shook her head 'I just need you to know its best for us both'

'He?'

'What?' she looked up confused.

'You said he' I pointed out.

She looked straight into my eyes realising before exhaling.

'Bella who? Your dad, Emmett. Someone found out about us being friends?'

'Someone was told' she replied solemnly.

'Who? Who did you?' then the horrible dawned on me, only a couple of hours ago, I had told someone. My best friend though, Jasper who I could trust with my life, he couldn't bring Bella to tears, why would he?

'Jasper?' I whispered feeling ashamed to even say it.

She only had to look at me for me to know it was him.

'What?' I stood up abruptly 'he spoke to you'

'He was right' she sniffled.

'right about what? Tell me everything he said Bella. I want to know everything now.' I demanded.

**Bella**

I must have been reading or was I tidying my bedroom. Funny how quickly I forgot.

I answered the door anyway to find Jasper standing there, he almost looked as if he had accidentally knocked my door but now I know he had every intention to visit me.

'Jasper' I greeted him surprised that someone I had barely spoke to before was standing at my door.

'Hi Bella, can I come in?' he asked unsure.

'Erm, yeah is everything okay?' I asked moving out of the way of the door frame. He didn't answer me, instead he went straight into the kitchen. He stood awkwardly seeming unsurprisingly uncomfortable in my home.

'I know this must seem a bit weird' he began.

'Well kind of yeah' I laughed lightly.

'it seems we have a mutual friend' Alice? Had he come to discuss Alice with me 'Edward told me about your friendship'

'Oh, Edward' I said surprised 'Yeah we've sort of become friends' I thought we were keeping our friendship a complete secret but i suppose Jasper is his best friend.

'and you think that is a good idea' he spoke sternly taking me by suprise.

'sorry?' I asked wrinkling my eyebrows with how serious his tone had turned.

'I don't want to be mean Bella but we both know your history with guys' he said it so matter of fact.

I stared at him for a moment in disbelief 'Guys? One guy'

'Well James had to transfer schools, he moved away. This is Edwards first chance for a normal life and you could ruin that for him' I thought i was misreading the passive agrresive tone but he was genuinly being horrible to me.

'What happened with James, it wasn't my fault' I choked back the tears that I knew were erupting but i desperatly didnt want to cry in front of him.

He looked away as he said this as if he knew it was cruel to say 'Some people say you lead him on'

'That's not true, it wasn't like that' I protested utterly frustrated.

'It doesn't matter to me what went on but I'm asking you to leave Ed alone. He's not good for you either, he has issues. Ones that I doubt you can cope with. Everyone knows you're not the same, Edward could do something innocent and you could blow it up into something big' he spoke as if he knew everying about me, as if he had been there that night.

I shook my head ferociously in horror 'I'm not like that, what James did wasn't innocent, you don't understand'

'I understand that whatever went on ruined James life, Edward is my best friend Bella. I'm just trying to keep his life here easy and you complicate that. It's best for both of you' he didnt care what was best for me.

'I was just trying to make a new friend' I sobbed.

'You have Alice for a friend and Emmett' he replied. i felt like such an idiot.

I wiped my eyes embarrassed 'You're right, I'll…leave him alone'

'I'm sorry Bella, I didn't want to upset you. It really is for you too. Edward is too volatile, maybe you could be friends with someone like Mike Newton. He's a simple guy'

I closed my eyes 'No, I don't want any more friends, I have enough' Mike Newton couldn't compare with Edward. No boy had made me feel as safe as he had.

He sighed 'So just ring him up and say you don't want to be friends or something'

I nodded.

'Great' he smiled 'I'll let you get back to…'

'Wait, I don't have Edwards phone number' I interrupted stopping him from his swift exit. Now he had achieved what he came for he couldn't wait to leave.

He riffled through his pocket until he found a stick of gum, he discarded the gum in his mouth before scribbling the digits down on the wrapper. He passed it to me 'Thanks Bella'

I nodded staring at the numbers, I stayed glue to the spot hearing the door slam behind him. Almost immediately I burst into tears, the digits becoming a watery blur as my tears stained the wrapper.

So this is what people thought of me. The subject of a thousand whispers, every rumour and speculation believed to be fact. After everything that happened, I was the bad guy, I had brought on my own downfall. I was unknowingly wearing a Scarlett letter that everyone could see but me. And even though I knew it wasn't my fault, Jasper had me questioning myself. Did I lead James on? Was I some tart like Jessica who flaunted myself.

It didn't matter now, no one cared what I had to say. Jasper warned me off his friend like a disease.

Now I had to tell Edward I didn't want to know him when in reality I had never wanted to know him more. He had been so lovely to me, so caring and he knew nothing of what had happened. It scared me that if I refused, Jasper would warn him, tell him what had happened with James and suddenly it would be Edward telling me he didn't want to be friends except he would mean it.

If this had happened a few weeks ago i wouldn't have cared but we had finally found where we stood with each other. I hated cutting him off after he had taken me to his mom's house and once again let me into his life and now I would repay him by telling him I didn't want to know him. It killed me but i knew it had to be done.

I grabbed the telephone and deciphered what was left of the scribbled numbers.

Edward stared at me, he had rubbed his head so much a red mark had formed. The silent response was killing me. I picked at my sleeves feeling uncomfortable under his gaze.

'fuck' he suddenly shot up from the seat making me jump and began pacing up and down the room.

I watched him nervously.

'I'm sor…' I began

'don't' he pointed at me, his face furious 'Don't you dare say that word'

I closed my mouth and resumed picking my sleeve as he resumed pacing up and down.

He eventually sat back down again with a slump holding his head in his hands.

'Will you say something' I begged anxious. The silence kept eveything unknown. Was he angry at me?

He closed his eyes and stood up 'I'll be back in a bit, will your dad be home?'

'I… I, I don't know…where are you going?' I asked in shock.

'I'll come round, ill be back' and he was out of the door before I could say anymore. I stood still blinking, everything had happened a bit too fast.

**Edward**

I raptured my fist upon his door like a mad man. I felt slightly like I had gone mad, that or I was living in the twilight zone.

'Wow, two visits in one day. I'm a lucky guy' he smiled but I knew him well enough to see it was a nervous smile, he was hiding behind it. Except I obviously didn't know him well enough because in front of me was clearly Jasper who I had known my whole life, trusted and held in the highest light however now it had all changed. In the matter of an hour, Jasper had become something I didn't recognise.

I walked into his house, I took a quick look around noticing he was clearly home alone before turning to face him. I still didn't know what to say though, I still couldn't process the words or his actions so I just stared at him as if it would all become clear.

'Dude, what?' he asked already knowing.

I shook my head 'Explain it to me'

He blinked a few times as if he was trying to get the story right in his head 'Bella?' he asked and I nodded 'I was just protecting you'

'From the dangerous seventeen year old girl' I stated coldly.

He huffed 'she's been through a lot'

I nodded 'so you decided to go round there and make her feel worse'

'Obviously you're pissed off' he rolled his eyes.

Suddenly I had my hand round his throat, his back pinned up against the wall and no time to think that not in a million years had I imagined that I would be doing this to my best friend.

'you have no idea' I roared

'you don't think its slightly dangerous, the guy with the OCD and uncontrollable temper being friends with the insecure girl who could break any minute' he choked out.

'It's none of your fucking business' I tightened my grip

'I'm basically your brother Edward'

'You used to me my brother, now you're worth shit' I let go of him and walked away.

'Over some girl you barely know' he stated in shock.

'She barely knows me either and yet her loyalty kicks the shit out of yours right now' I shouted.

'Fuck you Edward, I've stuck by you through everything, Bella is crazy'

'Funny, people used to say that about me' I chuckled darkly. Jasper would have never considered calling me crazy because he knew me but it was so easy to throw that at Bella.

He groaned.

'I bet your girlfriend would love to hear about your opinions on her best friend' I continued.

'Even Alice would admit that the two of you together is a bad idea' he argued.

'Looks like both of us have got shitty friends then' I replied knowing that we were right to keep the two of us a secret. The world was full of assholes that thought they knew better.

We both stared at each other for a minute in silence.

'I guess we've said it all then' I said bitterly.

'You've said it all' he shook his head.

I turned on him slamming the door behind me leaving my best friend as an enemy.

'Quick' she pulled my hand up the stairs before my fist had even knocked the door 'my dad rang to say he would be home in 5 minutes, he's picking up a pizza' She almost flung me into her bedroom 'sorry' she exclaimed, lights suddenly lit up her window 'see he's home, stay up here please. Ill try to be quick' and she was out again leaving me alone in her purple room. I heard voices downstairs but I couldn't make anything out. I walked round her room looking at her stuff, photos and books. I laid down on her bed stretching my feet out, I probably should have been a bit more worried that chief swan was downstairs but I trusted Bella.

My boredom eventually got to me so I found a book from her shelf, I read up to chapter 2 before I heard the door slowly open. Bella's head popped from behind it she looked worried.

'sorry I took so long' she apologised before coming in, she was holding a plate of pizza 'I thought you might be hungry'

I smiled at her taking the plate, I actually wasn't hungry so I placed it on her side table. She sat awkwardly at the edge of her bed.

'Where have you been?' she asked.

'I went and saw Jasper, I think it's safe to say our friendship is over' I admitted.

'No!' she exclaimed pulling her knees up on the bed so she could face me 'You cant do that, he's too important to you. Please Edward, go make it up to him. Everything he said its right, you don't know what happened to me'

'Well maybe now would be a good time to tell me' I replied hating that I was the only one left out of the loop.

She shook her head 'I don't want too'

'you think I wanted to admit my OCD to you' I complained.

'Of course not' she mumbled.

'I told you so you should tell me' I didn't like pulling that card but I needed to know.

'that's not fair Edward, I never asked to be let in' she argued.

'No because I just let you in without question' I didn't want to give up this time, i wanted to know.

She scowled at me.

'I would rather hear the truth from you than lies from a stranger' I reasoned.

'So what exactly did you say to Jasper' she said changing the subject.

I sighed 'Not much, just revealed him to be the dick that he is'

She grabbed her hair 'I can't ruin your friendship, I wont be responsible'

'and you wont, Jasper did this'

'Edward please. You will regret this maybe not now or tomorrow but eventually'

'No' I snapped 'it's my choice Bella, he treated you like shit'

'So, its only me' she argued.

I gritted my teeth trying to not get angry with her 'Is that why you just called me up and ended it instead of actually telling Jasper to fuck off'

'I didn't think you would choose me over Jasper' she bit her lip.

'then you need to realise how much I care about you' I touched her hand across the bed 'and if you give a shit about me, you will tell me about James'

She stood up 'No Edward, stop pressurising me' I didn't understand why she couldn't tell me but I knew I couldn't force her.

'I'm sorry. I just hate that I cant help you' i groaned.

'I don't need help anymore, I'm fine now. The last thing I want is another person unnecessarily worrying about me' she cried.

'fine, but can I worry about how the hell I'm going to get out of your room and home' I smiled and so did she.

'lets hope your window jumping skills are good' she giggled.

I approached her window, sizing up how exactly I was going to do this 'I think I can manage this' I said lifting her window.

She abruptly grabbed my hand 'before you go, if you change your mind about Jasper then its fine with me'

'I wont' I replied before jumping out the window, I slid down the tiles of her side roof and then jumped to the ground with a thud. I looked back to see her watching me from the window.

I had made the right choice.


	15. Chapter 15 Part one: Truth

_Thankyou anyone who has added the story to favourites or alerts and especially those who leave me little comments. I get so nervous reading them but you are usually nice so thanksss. Beledx _

**Chapter 15- Part one**

**Truth**

**Bella**

'Do you realise this is the second week you have spent a Saturday night watching me do my homework' I said watching him from my desk.

'I do realise that' he smiled, his legs stretched out on my bed 'really you should be entertaining me'

I chuckled continuing to write but finding that Edward on my bed was a major distraction. I felt guilty him sitting there, he should have been out with Jasper. I felt a lot of pressure being the only person in his life besides his family.

He spent his lunches out smoking except for twice a week when we would eat lunch together under the science stairs. That's when Alice ate lunch with Jasper and didn't notice that her best friend was missing. Although he didn't seem to mind, I figured that it must be hard. He had always spoken about Jasper like he was the only person he could trust and I had taken that away from both of them. I dreaded to think of what Jasper thought of me now.

'we should go out somewhere' he interrupted bringing me out of my reverie.

'We can't, were the bonnie and Clyde of forks hiding out from the world' i reminded him of our secret status.

He stood up and hovered over me 'well bonnie, I think its time we got you some air' he said in a Texan accent lifting my hands above my head.

'Edward, I'm nearly finished' I moaned pulling back.

'It's Saturday night, your geekish tendencies are driving me crazy' he groaned pulling me off the chair.

'fine, where are we going to go?' I replied giving in.

He pushed me onto the bed 'No where' he smiled evilly 'but I want your full attention'

I rolled my eyes 'Fine! No more English homework, you've made your point'

He lay next to me putting both arms behind his head 'What time is your dad back?'

I shrugged 'ten?'

He looked at me 'I'm not climbing out that fucking window again'

I chuckled 'If you're not man enough'

'fuck you, maybe you should start coming round my house, my parents love that we are friends' it was true that his parents seemed to be the only ones who liked that we were friends.

'the only people in forks who do' I sighed.

'we should run away to somewhere sunny, start a new life' he joked.

I laughed 'California seems nice, we could spend all day on the beach'

'Grab you bikini, ill get the car started' he smirked.

'On seconds thoughts I like Alaska' I grinned.

He tickled my stomach so I rolled over 'Get off' I screamed. He stopped tickling, instead pulling me into his arms.

'Should we order a pizza then seeing as we are unable to leave the house together?' he groaned.

I shrugged in his arms 'I could cook for us, I'm kind of sick of pizza'

He ran his hand through his hair 'No. Put your coat on' he sat up suddenly 'fuck this, were going out'

'but' I stalled.

'don't talk me out of it, if we see someone then we deal with it' he was already out the door before I could protest.

I kept looking up from behind my menu, at Edward and at the small Italian restaurant that held three couples and a family. The food looked delicious, classic Italian dishes that you could smell from the kitchen yet all I could think was it was too quiet.

'Too much to choose from' I chuckled awkwardly.

'Yeah' he agreed 'so you've never been here before?'

I shook my head 'no but it seems nice, I think ill go for mushroom ravioli'

'cool, I'm still undecided' he shrugged.

I smiled back placing my menu on the table. He scanned the menu a few more times before the waitress joined us, her eyes glued to Edward as she asked us if we were ready.

'Mushroom ravioli and lasagne' he smiled back at her and I suddenly felt very insignificant. I smoothed down my fridge which I had a feeling had frizzed itself up. She took the menus all the time smiling with glee as if being ordered around was her dream job.

I took my coke straw into my mouth and chewed nervously at the tip.

His attention was suddenly on me again as the waitress became lost from view 'Looks like we might just survive without being caught'

I nodded 'Were there girls at your school? The one that your dad sent you to'

He chuckled and then winked at me 'yeah'

'What does that wink mean?' I said rolling my eyes.

'A year without girls, I would have never survived' he said proudly.

'Oxygen, food, sleep oh yes and girls. The four things that keep us alive' I replied sarcastically.

He rolled his eyes.

'Did everyone have OCD?'I asked.

'Hell no. There was all sorts of crazy up in that place. Personality disorders, extreme phobias, depression'

'Were you in a bad state?' I asked.

'When I arrived, lets just say I had pretty much lost it for a while but I eventually got myself back' he seemed to be reassuring himself more than me.

'So you think your dad and Esme made the right choice sending you there?'

'I don't know Bella, don't you think its kind of hypocritical asking me all these questions when you don't share shit' he snapped suddenly becoming defensive.

'Sorry you are usually happy discussing these things' I bit my lip knowing he was right.

He ran his hand through his hair 'I don't think its ever fair for anyone to just send their child away when things get a bit difficult'

**EDWARD 2008**

Esme stroked my red scratched arms gently crying in silence. I was weak, too weak to care at this point whether she should be touching me or if she was clean or if this bed was clean. I could barely keep my eyes open any longer but I still peeked at her. The sadness in her face that I couldn't quite pin point to any specific feature.

I finally succumbed closing my aching eyes not sure if I was asleep.

'It's not his fault' Esme sobbed in a whisper.

'I just wish he had told us what it had come too' my dad must have rejoined us, he sounded as tired as I felt.

'He wants to be normal Carlisle, he doesn't want to come and confess that he's lost himself. It's embarrassing for him'

Esme was right. How was I supposed to approach them and explain? people are polite but they never understand. It never quite makes sense to normal people.

'I don't care, look at him!' he was angry with me not Esme.

Esme grabbed my hand 'I hate it, the thought that he has been suffering alone'

'He needs sleep and food and' he paused.

'Help' Esme continued 'We both know he needs more than us. He can't control it on his own'

I wasn't scared when they first suggested help. At that moment, I was so tired and hurt all over that help seemed joyous.

**Carlisle -12 hours earlier.**

**The night before Halloween. 2008**

'Hello' I answered the phone which had annoyingly interrupted mine and Esme's night together. I had assumed it was the hospital which always seemed to interrupt me at the worst moments such as tonight when me and Esme had the house alone and she had cooked me a romantic meal.

'Dr Cullen?' a girl replied.

'yes how can I help?' I asked.

'Edwards father?' the young girls voice was slightly shaky.

'yes'I replied unsure.

'could you come help me please?'she was panicked, i had heard enough panicked patients in my time as a doctor.

'What's the problem?'I questioned calmly.

'Edward is…there is something wrong with him' until I realised this was about Edward, then it was me who was panicked.

'Where is he now?' I questioned.

'Locked in my basement' she stated matter of fact.

I had no choice but to drive slowly, the roads were full of small children trick or treating for candy up and down every street. The girl, who had called herself Becky and lived a couple of streets away had informed me that she barely knew Edward however now he was locked in her basement like a serial killer quite apt for this time of year. She had also told me quite panicked to look out for the house with the green glow skeleton and there it was in front of me as I ran up to her front door.

'Becky its Dr Cullen' I informed her as I knocked.

She must have been sitting by the door as it immediately shot open, a scared sixteen year old looking back at me.

'I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do' she explained tears staining her cheeks.

'He just turned up' I asked confused.

'He is in my chem lesson and we sat next to each other once but that's it so when he turned up saying he was worried about me it was weird but I let him in. Then he started shaking and telling me I wasn't safe'

'Edward?' I asked confirming. I knew Edward had OCD but Beckys description seemed so far from my son that i could barely believe it.

'Yes, I told him to calm down but he just kept talking about all these horrible things. How he had to stop my death and then he showed me his arms' she rambled hastily.

'I think I should go see him' I suggested wanting to be near him.

She nodded leading me to the basement door, she pointed wearingly at the lock 'I'll go sit in the living room'

I nodded before unlocking the key and taking the stairs down, it was dark except for a small lamp that barely lit up Edwards face.

'Son?' he looked at me and it seemed as if he had been crying but then I decided it was sweat or possibly both.

'Is she up there, does she realise what is coming for her? She is a nice girl dad she shouldn't be hurt' his eyes seemed to chase the walls as he spoke.

'Who is coming for her Edward?' as shocking as it was seeing my son barely unrecognizable, this wasn't completely unexpected so I played along.

'Something bad' he stated already seeming unsure of himself.

'and who told you that?' I questioned.

'What? I don't know…I…'he paused obviously confused.

'How do you know that Becky is in trouble?' I asked.

'I…' he stared at me.

'Maybe you thought about something bad and then your imagination got away with you' I suggested hoping he would realise how ridiculous this whole thing was.

'No…no it was' he shook his head unable to make any sense of anything in his head.

'Edward when did you last sleep' I noted his blood shot eyes.

'I can't sleep' he shook his head 'I can't stop thinking'

'Okay Edward, maybe that is why you have confused yourself' I touched his shoulder needing to help him but not exactly sure how too. People assume that because i'm a doctor i should be able to treat anyone, help anyone but this was beyond me. The one time my education should have been able to help my family yet i couldnt.

He hadn't blinked since I had been down here, his mind was on overdrive.

'Can I see your arms Edward?' I asked remembering what Becky had said. I rolled up his sleeves unveiling the red raw rash. I closed my eyes for a second in disbelief taking a deep breath.

'How have you done this Edward' I asked already knowing.

'contaminated' he spoke so simply as if it was obvious.

'You have been cleaning yourself?' his arms evidence of the compulsive scrubbing that in his mind would never make him clean enough.

How had it got this far without me noticing? What kind of father doesn't notice this?

I put my hands on each side of his head 'It's okay now Edward, we will sort this all out'

**Bella**

'Looks like your dads home' he said turning the music down slightly in the car.

I nodded 'oh yea'

'I'll see you at school then' he replied.

I had a feeling that discussing being sent away had put him into a weird mood which had then ruined the night. I wished that I had never asked.

'this was nice, getting out. Felt sort of normal ya know?' I said.

'Yeah I know what you mean. you make me feel normal' I hoped he meant that. I hoped I could make him feel somewhat normal.

I smiled 'were both weird together'

'No were both normal together' he replied.


	16. Chapter 15Part two: Truth

**Chapter 15- Part two**

**Truth**

I sat opposite, our eyes digging into each other uncomfortably. Every time I looked away I felt a urge to check if he was still looking at me and he always would be.

Alice spoke so quickly that I didn't fear she would notice the sour attitude in the air between her boyfriend and me. Mondays were suppose to be me and her day but it seemed Alice had invited him along to lunch today as well as Tuesdays and Thursdays where he just conveniently seemed to sit next to us.

She danced off to get an apple and I cursed that I would be left alone with him.

He checked she was gone before he spoke 'you will be happy to know she is going to tell you about us'

'now?' I asked surprised.

'Yes, that's why she's speaking so fast and cant keep still, So if you can try and pretend that you are happy for her' he spat.

'I am happy for her. I don't plan on interfering in your relationship because I don't know anything about it' I bit back.

'Nice dig' he smirked.

'you should know that I have tried to convince Edward to call you' I said.

'Well done that makes up for the fact that you told him' He rolled his eyes.

'I had to tell him, he turned up at my house. It was obvious I hadn't just decided out of the blue that I didn't want to know him. I begged him to choose you Jasper but he's hurt' I argued.

'You think I'm an asshole right?' he questioned.

'I wouldn't say I'm your biggest fan but I know you didn't want to hurt Edward' I knew that deep down Jasper had good intentions but proving that to Edward was harder than it seemed.

'You two are getting along' Alice plopped herself down smiling.

I smiled back reassuringly.

'might be a good time to tell her your news Alice' coaxed Jasper.

Alice gave Jasper a pointed look before closing her eyes.

'Okay I'm just going to come out with it' she placed her palms down on the table 'me and Jasper are dating'

'wow that's great' I over exaggerated for effect not wanting to seem even a little bit resentful.

'you think?' she smiled happyily.

'Yeah Alice, you two are perfect' I grinned.

She took his hand and proceeded to tell me all about how they had got together while Jasper just stared at her happily content in her glee.

After ten minutes I decided to interrupt her 'Alice sorry I have to go meet Mr Milo about something. You can fill me in on the rest later'

'Oh yeah sure' she looked a little disappointed but I had heard all I could stand.

I smiled 'See ya Jasper' grabbing my coat I walked away speedily. Hopefully I would be able to find Edward and have lunch with him rather than hearing about my best friends love life. Was it wrong to be jealous of her for simply finding someone who could love her back?

'Bella' I stopped turning to find Jasper had caught me up holding my blue scarf.

'oh thanks' I replied taking it.

'I hope you realise you mean something to him. He is risking himself for you I hope you appreciate that' he spat making sure he had his last spiteful word.

'I'm not going to hurt him' I stated knowing that I couldn't.

He gave me a stern look of disbelief before he turned back to meet at Alice back at the table. Alice watched with a definite suspicion at watching our exchange so I quickly smiled.

Edward wasn't outside smoking like I had expected so I sent him a quick text asking him to meet me under the stairs.

'I thought it was a girls lunch' I turned to see him walking up behind me.

'Sorry, were you busy' I apologised.

'no of course not' he sat down next to me 'What's up?'

'Can we go somewhere?' I asked nervously.

'Yeah sure' he took my hand 'you wana go for a walk on the field?'

'No I mean can we get out of school and go somewhere private' I begged.

'Now? We still have half a day left' he said shocked before he seemed to realise my urgency 'We can go to my mom's' he reassured me and I simply nodded.

We walked speedily out to the car park while it was still lunch so it didn't look suspicious.

**Edward**

I rustled through some draws before retrieving some candles 'We don't have any electricity'

It was getting dark outside, a clear sign that a forks storm was on its way.

I came and sat beside her where I had laid a couple of cushions and a blanket. An empty house like this wasn't very homely.

I had this feeling that something was wrong, it wasn't in Bella's nature to skip a day of school.

I wrapped the blanket round her shoulders, the lack of power in my abandoned house left us sitting in a gloomy cold house.

'So why are we here?' I asked feeling like she needed a little coaxing.

'I want to tell you everything' this was kind of out of the blue after all of her refusals.

'You don't have to do that, I know I put pressure on you' I suddenly didn't want to know and especially not because I guilt tripped her.

'I want to' she swallowed and I knew exactly how she felt having been in this position. Sometimes you want to share but the fear takes over. Will that person understand? Can I trust them?

When James moved to Forks high he met Alice first. I was never good at first impressions really. Too shy and quiet. So it was through Alice that I first met him. I liked how friendly he was to everyone.

He had been in Forks for 6 months before it happened so I thought I could trust him. I didn't' think I had to worry about a teenage kid in my year. You worry about grown men but not sixteen year olds.

It was such a normal afternoon.

We were walking back from lunch me, Alice, Emmett and James.

Me and James trailed behind whilst Alice and Emmett chatted in front.

'I think you should skip PE and come hang out with me' he smirked at me.

'Oh really? Well I think you've got French and Miss Petty will kill you if you don't show up' I joked.

'Come on' he took my hand 'lets just find an empty classroom and hang out for an hour' I wanted to go with him. He didn't really need to convince me but I liked that somebody wanted to hang out with me. Just me.

'I don't know' I tugged on his arm pulling him forward and he pulled back 'PE is a very important subject. I might miss a valuable lesson in…'

'See! You can't even think of anything' he grinned and so did I laughing. I went with him happily.

We sneaked off without telling Emmett or Alice and began peeping through several windows until we found an empty hut. It had this musky sweat smell and was horribly humid. I wouldn't forget that smell.

'Even the girls changing rooms don't smell this bad' I groaned.

'Regretting coming with me already?' he smiled.

'Nah not yet' I repliedsmiling.

He sat next to me on the desk 'Beautiful'

'Huh?' I looked at him.

'Bella means beautiful' he smiled and I moaned embarrassed.

'ergh my mom should have really thought about the fact that her baby might not grow up to be beautiful. I mean I could have turned out looking like a troll' I spoke fast because I think I was nervous.

'You turned out beautiful though' he replied and I blushed.

Its weird how quickly you can feel comfortable and happy but then the simplest of things can make you feel on the edge, makes your skin crawl.

He ran his hand down my leg and I met his eyes. There was something different about him in that moment. He had never looked at me quite like that and defiantly never touched me like that.

I crossed my legs and smiled 'It sounds like I'm missing Netball' I could hear the shouts from the field of girls running around as I looked out the window and i suddenly wished i was with them.

'Don't be shy beautiful' he leered.

'Bella. Were not in Italy now' I joked.

He got off the desk and stood in front of me putting both of his hands over mine. His face was uncomfortably close to my own, so close that I could smell the spearmint from his chewing gum.

'James what are you doing?' I asked unable to pretend anymore.

'I just want to move us along a bit' he coaxed.

'What do you mean? were friends' I replied trying to force a smile. I assumed that if i kept it friendly we could just walk out, carry on and be friends.

'We can do better than friends cant we?' he tried to kiss me but I turned my head before pushing him away from me. I stood up.

'I'm going James. You're being weird' he grabbed my hand and brought me into an embrace.

'Stop being such a fucking tease' he said through gritted teeth anger seeping through the calm façade from before.

'Stop being a Jerk' I replied trying to pull away. Even though I was uncomfortable and nervous, I didn't understand how serious it was yet. It was still just James and maybe I was starting to dislike him because he was clearly an ass but nothing bad was going to happen.

Until he grabbed my wrist and twisted it. Immense stinging pain ripped through me as I cried in shock. That wasn't okay. That wasn't just James my friend being an ass.

'Just stop being a bitch and kiss me' he hissed.

'James?' I exclaimed. What had happened to my friend?

His lips met my neck and he began skimming it with horrible wet kisses. I pushed on his chest but I felt so feeble all ready. My body had shut down. I couldn't seem to move properly. Shock I guess.

By the time his hand was moving under my shirt I was lying there like a dead fish just sobbing. Frozen by terror and disbelief. How quickly two friends had turned into strangers.

'Please stop' I managed to mumble and in response his fist met my cheek. I didn't speak again.

He had just unbuttoned the first button on my jeans when the door opened. I closed my eyes and I knew it was over. I was saved.

MR Brian was the teacher. I don't know how but he knew straight away it wasn't just two students getting it on. He knew I was being attacked. Maybe James looked guilty or I looked distressed.

He grabbed him and threw him to the floor pinning his arms behind his back like a cop in training.

'Can you go get someone?' he asked but I just lay there watching through a blur. So he brought James to his feet and led him outside. I was alone then, it might have only been 5 minutes but it felt like a lifetime until Miss Cox came in, the PE teacher who's lesson I had unwisely skipped.

She gave me her jacket and sat with me. Her face would be memorable because it was the first person to give me that 'I'm so sorry' face, the face that I would see on a hundred people afterwards.

'The face that you're giving me now' she suddenly said.

'sorry' I shook my head 'It's just hard hearing that happened to my you' It was a mix of feelings anger, sadness, frustration that I didn't know her then 'How could Jasper say those things to you? Knowing everything that happened'

She shrugged sadly 'well he was sort of right when you think about it. I went with James to a room on my own. I liked him, I liked that he wanted to be with me alone. I was naïve to think we were just going to hang out.'

I shook my head 'Next you will be saying he had the right to punch you'

She sighed 'Of course not but…I put myself in that situation. Yes James was wrong but maybe I did lead him on'

'Bull shit' I shouted banging the floor with my fist. 'Every girl who has been raped could say that. It doesn't give the guy the right to do it. There is no excuse Bella'

'I wasn't raped' she argued.

'Not completely but the guy touched you when you asked him to stop and If sir hadn't come in then…'

'No' she cried.

I rubbed my forehead 'attacked, raped. It doesn't matter which word bells. You went through something really bad which wasn't your fault'

She looked at the ground tracing the lines on the floorboards.

'why didn't you want to tell me? Was it just so I wouldn't look at you differently' I asked.

She shrugged 'I thought it would scare you away. You would think I was some crazy girl leading boys on and then getting them in trouble'

I closed my eyes. How could my Bella me this messed up and I didn't realise it.

I took her hand 'Please don't think you could scare me away. You've dealt with the fact that I am a crazy idiot who could have a mental breakdown any day and all I have to deal with is that my best friend thinks she's responsible for something that she could have never changed'

She half smiled 'best friend?'

'well seeing as my old best friend turned out to be a complete asshole I guess I have to promote you' I smirked.

She chuckled sarcastically 'oh thanks'

I kissed her knuckles 'thank you for telling me'

'How much did you already know?' she asked.

'Surprisingly not a lot. Bits and pieces but I never expected…' God I wish I had been there. I could have kicked his ass and comforted her. Then maybe she wouldn't still be so broken inside. She liked to pretend she was better and was unhappy that everyone still cared so much for her but its because they could see what she couldn't. she wasn't over it completely 'did you see someone? I mean it must have been hard moving on from that'

'I saw a therapist for a year and took time off school. It was hard to go back'

'I can imagine. Jesus' I sighed.

She suddenly lay her head on my lap and closed her eyes. It was unusual for Bella to be forward. I stroked her hair wanting to know how i could comfort her.

'Did Emmett kick his ass or anything?' I asked.

She opened one eye and looked at me 'No why?'

I shrugged. Damn.

'He spent 20 weeks in a young offenders before they let him continue at school out of state' she explained.

'you know when you were being attacked by that guy in the science block? Did that have a connection or are you just really unlucky?' I asked thinking it was kind of strange.

She was quiet before she decided 'Unlucky I guess. Can we talk about something else now?'

'Yeah sorry. I'm going on. It's hard to process' I shook my head.

'Alice told me today about her and Jasper' she said flatly. A few weeks ago she would have been happy for Alice and so would I but not anymore.

I tutted 'did you warn her she was dating a dick?'

'Edward' she moaned 'one day you are going to have to forgive him'

'Why?' I questioned adamant that he was forever staying out of my fucking life.

'because you don't throw away a seventeen year old friendship' she sat up.

'Do we have to go over this again?' I rolled my eyes.

'until you realise you've made a mistake, yes' she said sternly.

'Stop telling me off' I wrapped my arms round her waist and she couldn't help but smile.

I wasn't regretting it yet, not whilst I had Bella and now that she had felt safe enough to reveal herself to me I knew we were going to make it. We were friends for a long time now.


End file.
